~*GRINS*~

Woohoo. Went to DISH and watched the AKAfellas again (this time with my college friends... last week was with high school friends...). I swear, all my newbie friends are pretty much impressed by their performance. Very good, very good! My quasi-fanaticism is justified! Haha. I remember my Rockwell Ryan dayz... I went to every gig they had while he and Dain were here in the country. 'Such fun watching the talented musicians I luuuuuuurve.

So I came prepared last night armed with 128MB worth of MMCs and two Li-Ion batts coz I intended to take more of vids rather than pics. It's a LOT more fun to watch em again and again and again on Quicktime (*yey*). The vids I took last week kinda sucked coz the sound system was bad and I was right smack at the blasting speakers. Now the ones I took last night were way better, except for some occasional hand of an oblivious diner and a waitress passing by who's, uhh, oh well, doing her job (fine, fine!) violating a few seconds of my video screen.

Okaaay. So I really have to buy more PC memory. There's only 2 gigs left of my hard disk.*ackkkk* 'Gotta back-up and burn stuff so I can free up some space. My mpegs and movs are eating up my space. Note to self: Buy like 40 GIGS of new memory. Save up, save up! Ahhh. The DVD drive's another story... But I digress...

So ok... thanks to Rose & Rick who patiently waited for me til I finished with my hugs (and picture-taking!) with Robi & Reubs and til I finished chatting up the AKAkadas. I was like down to 2 pictures worth of remaining space on my digital cam at the end of the gig... so who better to spend them with?.... BUT OF COURSE! So I asked Teena to take my pics with Reubs & Robi. *yey*

Hmmm... So this is how I look like when I am ACTUALLY happy! When I saw my pics, I was like, ewww yuck! Wipe that stupid grin off your face honey! *teehee* So these are actually what's known as grinning from ear to ear. *wahahah*


Image model Reuben talaga oh...*sigh*



*Awww...* Robi the huggy-wuggy fuzzy snuggly teddy bear that he is!



You got me lifted, shifted, higher than a ceiling
And ooh wee it's the ultimate feeling
You got me lifted feeling so gifted
Sugar how ya get so fly?
Sugar sugar how ya get so fly?
Sugar sugar how ya get so fly?

~ Sugar, Sugar by Baby Bash featuring Frankie J

~*SHINING, SHIMMERING, SPLENDID*~

Ahhh. At long last, our househelp finally found time to clean my room! Good gawd, after ten years (okay, exaggeratin' here. maybe like 3 mos.?)!!! I'm asthmatic so I have a convenient excuse as to why I can't bust my ass off cleaning my own room. I used to vacuum it myself but with so many DVDs to watch, so many time to waste online, so much snuggly sleep to catch, well, I'm just too lazy to sweat it out.

I was like walking amongst dustballs and the parquet was starting to look like a sandy beach... I just ignored 'em to death, picked up and threw a coupla dustballs along the way. I didn't wanna command her to clean up my room coz I know with her slowpokeness (*eek* is there such a word? oh well, who cares...) she just has enough time for the daily doodads like washing dishes, cooking, laundry, ironing and stuff.

Oooh. Now my parquet is shiny! Kewlness.

Okay this is starting to be boring...

SHAPE-SHIFT: Highlight of the Day: *woopie* I got a "LIFE WITHOUT ME" DVD today! I was surprised to see that somebody thought of pirating that artfilm of Scott Speedman. Well I guess thanks to the unexpected success of Underworld, Scott Speedman stuff is finally comin' out on el cheapo DVDs. Heck, even that old Dark Blue movie of his is sooo out there at Makati Cinema Square!

I wish that there'd be a demand for Gael Garcia Bernal stuff so that the DVD pirates will start putting out all those other artfilms and stuff that he came out in. Dang, dang, dang! I still can't get hold of that oh-so-ever-elusive El Crimen del Padre Amaro DVD... it's still out of stock.... and I swear, I can just smirk at the ignorance of some salesladies who don't have a clue when I ask if they have Padre Amaro. They give me a momentary blank stare and just say they don't have it simply because they just don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Ahhh, regrets, regrets!!! I should've bought it when I saw it months ago! I wanna have my own copy of the DVD even though I've seen it already. That artfilm made me cry. It was so well-made, such a thought-provoking plot -- I think it got Best Foreign Film from the Academy. But of course, I think it's also majorly because he's hot. *teehee*

I just wanna get hold of as much Gael stuff as I can. I started to appreciate artfilms because of him. Plus, I only have the patience to read the subtitles and go through 2 to 3 hours of artsy fartsy direction and cinematography if he's on screen 90% of the time. I swear, he is such an intense actor. And did I already mention that he is hot, hot, hot?! One day, I hope he'll get an Oscar like that Pianist dude did. I wonder if he's still with Natalie Portman... lucky lucky gal.

*'just thought of Gael in Y Tu Mama Tambien* Oooh. Splendid. Yuuummeeeh.*wink*wink*

~*QUICKIE UPDATES*~

Okay. After I've cursed village photos to pieces, I have migrated my blog images and moved it to ripway. I just hope ripway doesn't pull a selfish stunt like what village photos did. *#%@!

That forlorn "heartbreak" artwork in my Sept 20 '03 blog can be seen by the worldwide webbies again and my lil tribute to Rockwell Ryan (which he sooo appreciated his MB! *woohoo* I luv him for that! Yey!) last Oct. 18 '03 is on display again.

Whew. Ok. 'Back to listening to Chico, Del & Brad. Oh, and back to, uhmm, work. But of course. Ackkk.

~*SUGAR RUSH*~


Hmmm. Watched the AKAfellas last night @ Dish. My friends and officemates think I'm crazy. *teehee* So what? Who cares? Big deal! I luvvvv the AKAfellas so don't think I'm crazy when you ask what's my G and I say I'm watching them AGAIN. I am a freakin groupie and I ain't got no shame about it! *woohoo*

They make me happy. They really do. I mean, I am not as messed up as I was before. If I were to acknowledge them for anything, I'd say they made a difference in my life by bringing back the sunshine in it. Yeah. Their gigs are such a joy to watch (",). I get entertained, I laugh, and I forget I have these stupid love problems I keep ranting about in this blog. It's so nice, right? They have no idea how they (and their music) touch the lives of so many people in so many different ways.

Well yeah I have crushes among them, but hey, it's just a lil crush ya know. Like a lil something to smile about. That's all. And to think I am *ackkk* older than them. *teehee*

Awww. They're my sugar rush. Yey! I have enough to last til the next gig.

And gee, I always miss Robi talaga. As in! He's just sooo uber-lambing! I was waiting for him outside Dish coz I really wanted to greet him. Kahiya lang earlier, inside I saw him but he was sitting with his beautiful GF... it's gonna be rude naman if I intrude in their personal space... so I just waited and hung around outside. And so finally I saw him walking out and I was like: "Robiiiiiiii!!!!" with matching wide smile and open arms. And he went like: "heyyyyyyy!!!" with matching smile and open arms din. So like I beso'ed him as alwayz and kala ko beso lang our greeting eh he said "hug, hug!". Edi hug naman ako dba. *nyahaha* It's like we sooo missed each other and haven't seen each other for a long time that's why a hug was in order. So cute. *teehee* As I said before, he reminds me of a snuggly-wuggly, warm, fuzzy, huggable teddy bear. It's sooo him. Super lambing forever talaga. Wala lang. There. Sugar rush #1.

Sugar rush #2: I thought I'd never get to greet Reubs coz I didn't see him outside. It turned out he was hanging around inside Dish na pala after the show. So from the rest room, I passed by him and I greeted him with a beso-cum-hug. Haha. He was busy sitting with the chicks. Haha, it's sooo him! He was cute like a little kid when he excitedly said "Didja see my new hair?" while pointing out his anime-inspired mohawk whatchamacallit hair style... all gelled up and gathered to a spike in the middle. He reminds me of the dragonballz. *teehee* Man, he's like startin' to be kinda buff now. I see a better abs and biceps in the making. *wooohoo* Yey!

Sugar rush#3: DJ Myke's funny antics on stage! The cockroach thing. And the kuto thing. Winner as always.*grins* He is just a natural comic, I swear! DJ Myke + Robi=LOL all the time.

See, now these are why I always wanna see them... They keep me off being depressed. Man, I'd hate to be the sad bitchy drama queen all the time. *teehee*

Wo-oo-ooh, nanananana, can't you see I'm happy now. (",)

~*RESOLUTION*~


I am standing at the edge of tomorrow. I do not know what to feel about it. But I wish today was over already. I look forward to closing this heavy book. I am so tired of it. I am so tired of blogging about it endlessly. I wish my feelings can just stop. Halt. Forget. Move on. Pretend it never happened. It was just a nasty dream. I do not want look back in anger and heartache. My soul is too frail for such a massive, oppressing feeling.


I'm so tired of being here...
... If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Coz your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

~ My Immortal, Evanescence



I wonder if this sick cycle is gonna stop. I wonder if I shall live to see a better day. Bliss. I miss the bliss of being heady and reeling in the carelessness and foolishness of that so-called love.

Wow. It's almost been a year since I saw Two Week's Notice. Look at that. That was a damn stupid thing to do -- to watch that stupid movie and to sit stupidly beside him. Oh f#%@ it. Total B.S. That totally shattered my belief in saccharine, sickeningly sweet, too-good-to-be true tales about falling in love. Now when I remember it, it's just plain sickening. Revolting, even. Of course, that's my defense mechanism talking.


How could you make me take a start
then just leave me here hanging
Can't even say how I'm feeling
How can you make then break my heart?

Listen just hear my voice
Can you hear all the tears
that I'm planning to hide for the next thousand years
Just as long as you know that I love you

How can a blind man find the light?
How can I find our kind of right?
How could you take away my sight?
How could you lose me in the night?
Then you took away the heart in me
now I'm losing this fight
No, I will never ever be the same

~ The Man I was with You, Jimmy Bondoc



I have come to a resolution (ooh, how apt for the new year). I will not communicate with him ever again. I will not talk to him, text him or dare to ever hang out with him. I will avoid him like the plague. There. I resolve to shut him out of my life forever. In fact, I will try to blissfully (albeit bitterly) deny his existence. Who? Huh? Who? Oh sorry, I don't know him.

If this is what it takes to sleep peacefully again, to be truly happy again, to not feel this tormenting, aching feeling ever again, then so be it. His replies to my stupid texts are so nonchalant anyway. It's foolish for me to even try to bring him back. Foolish. Anyone who knows our story would just shake their head and tell me to stop, just let go and move on.


You came and got things today,
I packed your car, I watched you drive away
I cried so many tears that day,
It burnt my face, it felt like acid rain.
I know I can't keep lying to myself,
I said I'd be content with someone else,
I know I never have to face the pain

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.


It's gonna take a little time to stick in my mind
the fact you're gone for good.
Cause when you said you're leaving me, I heard it before,
I never really thought you would
Maybe I should be glad that you've gone away
I know the pain would not be here to stay
If I can only fool myself maybe, baby,

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.

That I won't cry, I'm moving on.

I know it's hard enough, to fall in and out of love,
But when something is gone,
to keep holding on
will only break your heart.
So I won't play the fool by begging you to stay
I wanna keep it inside, til you're out of sight,
Maybe that way,

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.
Me and you.

And we both know we're through.

~ I Won't Cry, Profyle

~* SWING, SWING *~

Argghh. I haven't been in an AKAfellas gig for a long time now. 'Not distracted anymore!!! Haven't had my sugar-rush 'fellas lately. And so in random moments of stillness, his memory haunts me. I still miss him terribly. I don't know if he knows it. Well I texted him tons of times when I was in Baguio and we had a pretty decent chat but... NOTHING.

Leaving is sad when he didn't even know you stayed.


I recall when you said that you would never leave me
You told me more, so much more like when the time you whispered in my ear
It was heaven in my heart
I remember when you said that you'll be here forever

Then you left without even saying that you're leaving
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday
And I prayed that you would stay
But then you're gone and oh so far away

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within
I have learned to live my life without you
Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dream you'll come and touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreaming til my heartaches end.

~ Til My Heartaches End, Ella Mae Saison


I pretend to be okay with it. I pretend that I have forgotten. I pretend that I don't wish, in every breath I take, that he will come back.


Saying goodbye
Is never an easy thing
But you never said
That you'd stay forever.
So if you must go,
Oh darling I set you free,
But I know in time
We'll be together

I won't try
To stop you now from leaving
Coz in my heart I know

Love will lead you back,
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms,
Where you belong
I'm sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again, it won't be long,
One of these days our love will lead you back.

One of these nights,
I'll hear your voice again,
And you're gonna say,
how much you missed me.
You'll walk out this door,
But someday you'll walk back in,
And darling I know
I know this will be.

Sometimes it takes,
Sometime your on your own now
To find your way back home...

~ Love Will Lead You Back, Taylor Dayne


I don't want to wait in vain for his love. My mind is willing, but my damn stubborn heart is weak.

And so I pretend that I am happy and content. Everyday, I sing a lonely song in a happy tune. I make sarcastic remarks, I laugh at the hilarious, I post fun cutesy stuff on the message board, I scream cheers... But I sing a lonely song in a happy tune.


Days swiftly come and go
I'm dreaming of (him)...
... Emotions they stir
The sun is gone
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise...

~ Swing, Swing, All-American Rejects

~* CRAZY LOVE *~

It's freakin' halloween. I don't wanna get all scared so I'm bloggin' to feel dramatic and everythin'... anything but feel scared outta my wits!!!

Dang. I miss him. I wish I could call him and say that I feel so damn scared coz I had to eat and overhear the scary hullabaloos that were on Magandang Gabi Bayan. I hate hearing scary stuff, especially if it is actually Halloween. Acckkkk. Hate it, hate it. I wish he was here to say something funny or sweet to me. Anything to make me feel better and "un-scare" me. But, asus! He ain't here. Not now, not ever. So f*@# that idea. Kapeesh. (?)


Tonight I'm gonna break away
Just you wait and see
I'll never be imprisoned by
A faded memory

Just when I think I'm over him
This broken heart will mend
I hear his name and I have to cry
The tears come down again...


I couldn't shake the feeling of missing him that day I had those dreams. So I texted him and asked if his hand was alright. So he said he was fine. He still sez "po" to me. Hayyy. He asked how I was. I did not want to say the usual "I'm fine" reply coz I was NOT fine at all. Soooo not fine. I just said I was OK and that the dream just got me worried, that I just wanted to know if he was OK. So he said he was fine (again) and he said thanks for the thing (the blogs! ackkkk!). "I'm so sorry," he said. I told him that it was OK. That I already understand why. That it was already forgiven and forgotten. That he shouldn't feel bad about it. He asked, "Really?" I said " Yeah. Really."

"So can we go out sometime?", he asked. I was like "Huh?! WTF was that question about?! Way too weird for me!" So I asked flatly: "Why?" "Barkada gimmick" daw. Ahhhhh. Okaaaaaayyy. So I said OK.

He said thanks and I said "You're welcome. Thanks for everything." Now that "thanks for everything" carried a big meaning to me:

I was saying thanks for everything that he had given me in this life. For it was in him that I have felt the truest bliss and contentment at one moment in time. For I never thought I could ever be happy with just knowing that I was loved by this person. For once I have known what it felt like to love and be loved by someone that your heart ached in a good way. At a certain point, our honesty and innocence were beautiful. Conversely, in a sad way, he had taught me how not to love too much the next time around. He had made me test my capacity of bearing pain to the hilt. He had made me pray harder and talk to God more when he left me. He made me question my faith in God, Love and Fate. His leaving had forced me to become a braver person who would not be afraid of being alone.


So that's why I said thanks for everything. So never underestimate me when I say cliches like that coz I don't just say it out of nowhere. I say it with heart.


Sometimes people come into our life to serve a purpose. If someone hurts you or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to.


He said "Same here." Gee. I do hope it was the same for him. "Sorry also," he added. "You're forgiven already." He thanked me again for that. I said: "Ok. You're welcome. You deserve all the peace and happiness. I don't want to deny you of that." He said: "Thanks for understanding. Thanks."

But you know what? In the darkest of nights, sometimes I think I still don't fully understand him. But in some weird way, I do understand him. Crazy, isn't it?

Looking back at every guy that walked in and out of my life, there's this one thing I realized: I am a catalyst for guys' sudden need to re-examine themselves. When they know that I like/love them, they ask themselves why. And then they come to a conclusion that they are not good enough for me. That they cannot possibly make me happy. They suddenly realize various inadequacies, shortcomings and/or hang-ups which they need to resolve by themselves. They tell me that I should not love them, they tell me that I should find somebody better than them, that I deserve somebody else but them... 'Sucks doesn't it? But come to think of it... I can give you concrete examples of this "i-am-a-catalyst" theory of mine. I can count about three instances to support my claim.

But enough about that.

So I turned down and cut short whatever you call it that was starting between me and T2. It all comes down to that dream. That was what made me realize that I was just trying to convince myself real hard that I should come back to him. Like coming home again. I felt it was inescapable. I even think he's probably my karmic partner... like we have to resolve something among ourselves in this lifetime that's why we keep coming back together in this road again. I really willed myself to try again. But God knows I just can't. If he was home, how come I was not happy when I was with him? How come my heart did not bounce when I saw him again? How come when our hands touched I did not feel any good aching for him? How come I can't make room for him in my already-planned weekend? The answer was clear. I simply was not in love with him.


Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't love, it's loneliness.

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't love, it's loyalty.

Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't love, it's pity.


I did not want to hurt him badly so I had to say it then: "I'm sorry that I make you feel bad; that I can't be the person you want me to be; that I can't give you back the same love that you're giving me. I did try. God knows I tried hard. But I just can't." "I'm not saying things just to hurt you. I believe in saying the truth. I'd rather be brutally honest than be fake and fool somebody. The truth may hurt but it will bring peace in the long run."

So there. We had a discourse about all that drama but we ended okay. At least we both know where we stand. No expectations from anybody because we have drawn the line where it should be.

I had that chance to be loved again and I refused it. I felt it was unfair to be with someone because he was simply just there. He deserved to know the truth. It hurt him but I know it will set us both free. I have chosen this path. I'd rather be miserable being alone than be miserable feeling trapped in a relationship. Enough about doing what I think is right. This time I did what I think I wanted. I will bravely do this stint. I chose this. I chose to be alone and still carry the torch for someone who doesn't love me anymore. I'm OK but sad at the same time. I feel so "zen" about genuinely forgiving him and giving him his peace. It is such a liberating thought. But it remains to be sad.


"Maybe getting over someone you're in love with isn't impossible. Unless, maybe you don't actually get over it... maybe you just learn to live with it." (Felicity)


A friend asked me why I gave up on that chance. I reasoned, "Why not? I have experienced being truly happy with someone else, why would I go back to something that is far less than that?" She said it was wrong for me to set these benchmarks; because it would then be very difficult for me to love someone else again if I keep referring back to HIM. True, true. I know that. But I am damn stubborn. And I am a damn perfectionist--it is both a gift and a curse. I theorize that it may be the reason why I am always miserable. I just refuse to settle. Love is too major a thing to simply settle upon. It is a powerful force of life. It can be life and death itself. It should be taken seriously. It should be something thoroughly thought about. Give me life or give me death. I know what I want and if I don't get it, then too bad for me. But I refuse to get a substitute for love.


There are too many mediocre things in life and love should not be one of them. (Dream for An Insomniac)


I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you don't feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't.

~ I Can't Make You Love Me, George Michael