~* THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES *~

I was just watching Wicker Park the other night and that last scene at the airport with Coldplay's The Scientist playing in the background brought me to tears. I dunno. It must've been Josh Hartnett's oh-so-pained/tortured look when he was standing right behind Diane Kruger and the fact that The Scientist was playing. I soooo super-love that song. As in.

So anyway, one minute I was crying because of the movie and the next minute, somebody opened the floodgates. You know how sometimes you start crying because you are so sad and in pain like somebody has literally crushed your heart to pieces? It was something like that. And then later on, after much drama, you cry again not because of the hurt but because of silent rage kept inside your heart. You don't know whether you still love the person but you hate them at the same time for messing up your life big time *AGAIN*. I find myself clenching my hands whenever I remember. I clench my hands in hate, resentment, anger, heartbreak and pain. I clench my hands in utter frustration at how unbelievably unfair life is. At how unbelievably such an asswipe he is.

I read again what I posted earlier this month pre-*nasty* news:

And so now, even if somebody has *yet again* walked out on me, I do not feel hatred towards him. I do not feel utter desperation regarding the situation. Nor do I blame myself or wonder about my worth. I guess maybe this time it's because I had known the reason why he left early on and quite straight from him as told by a friend. I perfectly understand his reasons. It's a valid one and not some lame-ass excuse conjured for the sake of making up tall stories. I respect him and the things he wants to do with his life without me. In a weird twisted way, I admire him for his maturity to stop short of his tracks, step back, look at the big picture and gauge how ready he is. I know that it is not being selfish but being selfless in a way, such that he does not want to drag me into his life when he has personal issues that he must deal with himself.

I'm trying to convince myself that I should be braver and stronger now, shouldn't I because this was almost exactly what happened to me before?! Been there, done that. Been to hell and back.

I have done it last year and I am still alive now, aren't I? I should not be afraid coz I was alone before he came, right?

Ahhh. The lies we tell ourselves...

"Men are not complicated, although we'd like you to think we are, as in 'Things are really crazy right now. I've just got a ton of sh*t going on.'... And sadly, we would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, 'You're not the one.' We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both--or even worse, cry and yell at us."

"I know that guy you are dating... He's that guy that's so tired from work, so stressed about the project he's working on. He's just been through an awful breakup and it's really hitting him hard... He has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can't get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about... God, he is so complicated... HE IS A MAN MADE UP ENTIRELY OF YOUR EXCUSES."

~ from the book entitled He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo