~* I DUNNO IF THIS IS GOOD OR BAD... *~

*WARNING: incoherent/random thoughts up ahead... this post may not make sense but I just find comfort in seeing the words on my PC monitor.

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I am so scatter-brained these days. I'm restless. I'm anxious. I feel fidgety. I feel "sabog". It's like I'm floating. Like an out-of-body experience. I feel like wandering aimlessly onto an empty long quiet road. I seem to have lost my sanity overnight. I don't even feel I am fully HERE right now. I feel lost. It's like i'm crashing into something I cannot even see. It's like tossing and turning while trying to fall asleep... but I sooo wanna keep awake because I want to think, think, think and overanalyze the shit out of certain things.

Did I unconsciously send out a wish to the universe that I want this to happen to me? Is this upheaval in my life my own doing? Ahh. God is such a tease. He likes to give me "previews" of things that I am not even certain if He is EVER giving to me. I have been resigned to the thought that He won't. Maybe not in this lifetime. I want to think that the glass is half-empty rather than half-full so that I won't feel sorry for myself if it NEVER gets filled up EVER. They say "expect the worst" didn't they? I've set myself up for disappointment so that there will be less tears and less pain when the thing I fear most actually happens. What's the point of "positive thinking" if you're just bound to be hurt anyway? It would break your heart more if you put your eggs in one basket and if you have been on a "close-your-eyes-while-fervently-praying" mode and then nothing really ever happens. I would at least try to be very very brave as if my life depended on it. My lips might quiver a bit with fear and I might get teary-eyed as I hold my tears back. But I swear, I will try to be very brave til the end of this all.

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I stay awake and I want you by my side...


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Smashing Pumpkin's Landslide is on loop mode right now...

Mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

I took my love and I took down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in a snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down.


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Arggghhh. This is torture. I wish I knew how this ends. If this turns out to be another battle, I'd rather walk away right now.

Gaaah. I am friggin digging my own grave YET AGAIN. Good job, Self! Good job! *smell the burning sarcasm* Tsk, tsk. You even freakin' downloaded the song from Kazaa the other night. TSK, TSK!!! Crazy, crazy girl. I have been listening to the song over and over. Even singing to it. Oh f#@%. Screw PLAN A of NOT falling into the pit of crapdom. I am stupid, sorta uncontrollable and blind when it comes to these things. So sue me.

This is pathetic. I am fully aware of what I should not do yet I still fail to stop myself from doing it! Mind over heart, girl. Not heart over mind. PLEASE. For your own sanity?!


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But life is too short for games. Anything less than mad, passionate love is a waste of time. But I don't want to make the SAME mistake again of making an ASS of U and ME.


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Life is short my darling, tell me that you love me.


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Love's been knockin' at your door
Do you hear it?
Do you really, really care?

Tell me it's not over now, will you?
So I won't be hangin' around
And you won't see me crying


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Without hope or agenda, and just because it is Christmas (and you're supposed to tell the truth on Christmas), my wasted heart will always love you.

Hah. Saw this from Kiko's recent post. I absofreakinlutely luuuuv that line! I saw Love Actually already... I can't believe I missed that precious line! Awww. I remember the dude carrying those big signs on the gal's doorstep... Silent affirmation but definitely high-impact. Hayyy, 'must watch that DVD again... Then again, that can be *YET ANOTHER* suicidal move. Yey. Go tell the marines. Labooooo. I am so out of myself. So.. hmm... "gone"? I am physically and mentally tired/stressed from work but here I am typing away 30 mins. before midnight. My mind is restless. I am emotionally windang.

So help me God.


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This will all make perfect sense someday.


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You've sunk out at sea, crashed your car, gone insane. Do you *really* want to do that again?



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She's a girl in a world, she's moving as fast as she goes
Loves her mom and her dad, the only secure that she knows
But at night, she's alone, she's dreaming of somebody new
Her someone for to hold, she's praying the dream will come true

Show me the way - show me, show me how
Help me be brave - for love
Show me the way - show me, tell me how
What do you say

There's a pain in her heart, she's trying so hard to unwind
Makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind
Wants to break through the the fear
Erasing the scars from within
Start a new kind of being - she's down and she's praying again

You see she's
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Stepping outside, with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Take it in stride, you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Yeah we've all been hurt before
So you're not alone..., no...
You're not alone...