~*NOW PLAYING: Over and Over by Nelly feat. Tim McGraw *~

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it, yeah, I can't shake it
No

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she's leaving
Oh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that you would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keeps playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh
I think she's leaving
Oh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Now that I've realized that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I lock it down
Oh, I can't go on not loving you

~* FEELS LIKE I'M WAGING AN INVISIBLE WAR... *~

Invisible war, seems we're fighting an invisible war
Strained maneuvres, keeping silent score
In this invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
Both wishing it was like before
In this invisible war

Talk about a fine line between love and hate
We've lost more than our direction of late
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
We've never been lovers and now we're not even friends

In this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

It wounded deeply the scar is here to stay
Opening up at all the little things I do and say
You always want things to be as before
So I make you angry and you bleed a little more

In this invisible war, seems that we're waging an invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

Want to go away, I still love you
Got to go away, I always love you
Got to be away, Time heals all wounds.

Invisible war.

~ Julia Fordham

~* PLEASE GOD... *~

I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't sleep right now either.

Please God, please. Please help make this work. I'm so tired of all the screw ups. I soooo want this to work.

So near yet so far.

Seems I'm waging an invisible war. ~ Julia Fordham

When all the stars were falling, I reached up like you said. All the stars were falling and one hit me in the head. And I fell down, down, down. I fell down. ~ Lisa Loeb

So what is this weather, what is this darkness?
Why do I feel so alone? ~ Lisa Loeb

It's like, I have no right to ask him how he feels. Who am I to him anyway? I am not the center of his universe. I don't want to make an ass of myself. I've been in that road before. I have no right, I have no right... I have to freakin' say this over and over to myself. This is crazy. But I would embrace all this craziness if my wager would one day finally be replaced with certainty and happiness.

It's like, I can't even say that I miss him terribly and that I wish he was here with me. Who am I to say that? I have no right.

~* XMAS JUNGLE FEVER! *~

'Had our company Christmas party yesterday night. Twas held in our very own cafeteria which was magically transformed into a jungle -- complete with dried leaves, trees and flowing water on the side. Most of the employees were dressed in safari-inspired outfits and jungle animal costumes. We hired two face painters so most of us had our faces painted to match our outfits.

me, my purrfectly painted face and my velvet catsuit!


the Entertainment Imaging team (we sell motion picture films). we gals borrowed our costumes from Viva Entertainment. last photo: me, bianx, ed, vic and jane.


i'm gonna miss this boss of mine! buddy is my boss for my other dept. - Digital & Applied Imaging (we sell digicams & inkjet paper). he's pursuing greener pasture by end of this month. left photo: buddy, me and vic.


with edwin who used to be with Entertainment Imaging. he's with the consumer group now.


with gizelle in our FHM-ish pose :P


the three felines of the night with, ermm, the Lion King :P
with pam (left) and jane (right).


with other party animals!
clockwise: (1) with luigi, wilma, ge and rico; (2) with darius, michelle, sheryl, joan and wena; (3) with evelyn; (4) with razel and yeyette.

~ * GOING TO THE LOOP FOR DUMMIES *~

After our product launch at MyCinema Greenbelt, I commuted to DISH (at ABS-CBN's The Loop) for the first time *gasp* (In the past, I usually met up with Teena and the rest of the gals at Shangri La mall...) So anyway, I asked my officemates how to get there via MRT. Holy cow, it's soooo nakakawindang to ride the MRT! Way too many people in one square meter. Gaaaah. I went to the MRT station near SM Makati and caught a train to Quezon Ave from there. When I went down at the Quezon Ave., I had totally no idea which direction of the street I was supposed to hail a cab. Twas hard to get a cab on the street where I stood (I haven't the faintest idea which street that was... I supposed it was an intersection of Quezon Ave and ermmm, EDSA???? I dunno :P) so I crossed the street and went to the opposite side of the road. After a coupla minutes more, I successfully hailed a cab. 'Nyeta, one turn lang pala, ABS CBN na eh. Funny. I thought ABS was on the other side of the street. Hayyy. I should have read something like Going to The Loop (ABS CBN) for Dummies. :P

Met Mika and Sybs at Starbucks first. Met their cool AA English teacher Karen. Greeted Robi inside Starbucks. Hung out with Mika, Sybs and Karen til past 9pm at Starbucks. We proceeded to Dish and met up with Tere and her lovely "couple" friends Mina & Topey. Greeted birthday girl Tita Sherbet inside Dish. Rhada (sp?) performed during the first set and the Akafellas during the second set. Teena and Hogi arrived later on. Hitched a ride to Alabang with a very sleepy Pau (we dropped off Jhett to his house somewhere in, hmm, I dunno where the heck that was! haha!). Got home around 1:30am.

Peechur, peechur... ;)

(1) me, mika and sybs with her glamorous pearls; (2) mika, sybs and me at the ladies' room *LOL*; (3) topey, mina and the very posh tere
Dang! I didn't get the note that said "Come in all-glam outfit" ;)


the fellas sans ikey (who was still sick *aww*) and roger (who had a san mig gig, i think...)


INSIDE THE LITTLE ARTISTS' ROOM @ DISH...
(1) karl, tere, myke, jhett, me and reubs (reubs, oist, wala akong bilbil and flabby arms, okei?! tama na ang pag-pinch!:P); (2) hogi, pau and me; (3) robi (trying the tough-guy image, hehe) me and pau; (4) teena, robi, hogi, me, pau and jhett

Kooky/fun shots: (1) pau, hogi and teena; (2) teena and jhett

~* I KNOW WHO I WANT TO TAKE ME HOME *~

let my eyes speak
of my love: hear them.
the tenderness of my touch
is saying something: listen.

there are no words,
i find no words.
with you i turn mute.

you must listen.
listen to my quiet
listen to my hush
and be deafened by my feeling.

~ mila reyes garcia

~* I DUNNO IF THIS IS GOOD OR BAD... *~

*WARNING: incoherent/random thoughts up ahead... this post may not make sense but I just find comfort in seeing the words on my PC monitor.

***********

I am so scatter-brained these days. I'm restless. I'm anxious. I feel fidgety. I feel "sabog". It's like I'm floating. Like an out-of-body experience. I feel like wandering aimlessly onto an empty long quiet road. I seem to have lost my sanity overnight. I don't even feel I am fully HERE right now. I feel lost. It's like i'm crashing into something I cannot even see. It's like tossing and turning while trying to fall asleep... but I sooo wanna keep awake because I want to think, think, think and overanalyze the shit out of certain things.

Did I unconsciously send out a wish to the universe that I want this to happen to me? Is this upheaval in my life my own doing? Ahh. God is such a tease. He likes to give me "previews" of things that I am not even certain if He is EVER giving to me. I have been resigned to the thought that He won't. Maybe not in this lifetime. I want to think that the glass is half-empty rather than half-full so that I won't feel sorry for myself if it NEVER gets filled up EVER. They say "expect the worst" didn't they? I've set myself up for disappointment so that there will be less tears and less pain when the thing I fear most actually happens. What's the point of "positive thinking" if you're just bound to be hurt anyway? It would break your heart more if you put your eggs in one basket and if you have been on a "close-your-eyes-while-fervently-praying" mode and then nothing really ever happens. I would at least try to be very very brave as if my life depended on it. My lips might quiver a bit with fear and I might get teary-eyed as I hold my tears back. But I swear, I will try to be very brave til the end of this all.

***********

I stay awake and I want you by my side...


***********

Smashing Pumpkin's Landslide is on loop mode right now...

Mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

I took my love and I took down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in a snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down.


***********

Arggghhh. This is torture. I wish I knew how this ends. If this turns out to be another battle, I'd rather walk away right now.

Gaaah. I am friggin digging my own grave YET AGAIN. Good job, Self! Good job! *smell the burning sarcasm* Tsk, tsk. You even freakin' downloaded the song from Kazaa the other night. TSK, TSK!!! Crazy, crazy girl. I have been listening to the song over and over. Even singing to it. Oh f#@%. Screw PLAN A of NOT falling into the pit of crapdom. I am stupid, sorta uncontrollable and blind when it comes to these things. So sue me.

This is pathetic. I am fully aware of what I should not do yet I still fail to stop myself from doing it! Mind over heart, girl. Not heart over mind. PLEASE. For your own sanity?!


***********

But life is too short for games. Anything less than mad, passionate love is a waste of time. But I don't want to make the SAME mistake again of making an ASS of U and ME.


***********

Life is short my darling, tell me that you love me.


***********

Love's been knockin' at your door
Do you hear it?
Do you really, really care?

Tell me it's not over now, will you?
So I won't be hangin' around
And you won't see me crying


***********

Without hope or agenda, and just because it is Christmas (and you're supposed to tell the truth on Christmas), my wasted heart will always love you.

Hah. Saw this from Kiko's recent post. I absofreakinlutely luuuuv that line! I saw Love Actually already... I can't believe I missed that precious line! Awww. I remember the dude carrying those big signs on the gal's doorstep... Silent affirmation but definitely high-impact. Hayyy, 'must watch that DVD again... Then again, that can be *YET ANOTHER* suicidal move. Yey. Go tell the marines. Labooooo. I am so out of myself. So.. hmm... "gone"? I am physically and mentally tired/stressed from work but here I am typing away 30 mins. before midnight. My mind is restless. I am emotionally windang.

So help me God.


***********

This will all make perfect sense someday.


***********

You've sunk out at sea, crashed your car, gone insane. Do you *really* want to do that again?



***********

She's a girl in a world, she's moving as fast as she goes
Loves her mom and her dad, the only secure that she knows
But at night, she's alone, she's dreaming of somebody new
Her someone for to hold, she's praying the dream will come true

Show me the way - show me, show me how
Help me be brave - for love
Show me the way - show me, tell me how
What do you say

There's a pain in her heart, she's trying so hard to unwind
Makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind
Wants to break through the the fear
Erasing the scars from within
Start a new kind of being - she's down and she's praying again

You see she's
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Stepping outside, with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Take it in stride, you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Yeah we've all been hurt before
So you're not alone..., no...
You're not alone...