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Wednesday, December 31, 2003


I am standing at the edge of tomorrow. I do not know what to feel about it. But I wish today was over already. I look forward to closing this heavy book. I am so tired of it. I am so tired of blogging about it endlessly. I wish my feelings can just stop. Halt. Forget. Move on. Pretend it never happened. It was just a nasty dream. I do not want look back in anger and heartache. My soul is too frail for such a massive, oppressing feeling.

I'm so tired of being here...
... If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Coz your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

~ My Immortal, Evanescence

I wonder if this sick cycle is gonna stop. I wonder if I shall live to see a better day. Bliss. I miss the bliss of being heady and reeling in the carelessness and foolishness of that so-called love.

Wow. It's almost been a year since I saw Two Week's Notice. Look at that. That was a damn stupid thing to do -- to watch that stupid movie and to sit stupidly beside him. Oh f#%@ it. Total B.S. That totally shattered my belief in saccharine, sickeningly sweet, too-good-to-be true tales about falling in love. Now when I remember it, it's just plain sickening. Revolting, even. Of course, that's my defense mechanism talking.

How could you make me take a start
then just leave me here hanging
Can't even say how I'm feeling
How can you make then break my heart?

Listen just hear my voice
Can you hear all the tears
that I'm planning to hide for the next thousand years
Just as long as you know that I love you

How can a blind man find the light?
How can I find our kind of right?
How could you take away my sight?
How could you lose me in the night?
Then you took away the heart in me
now I'm losing this fight
No, I will never ever be the same

~ The Man I was with You, Jimmy Bondoc

I have come to a resolution (ooh, how apt for the new year). I will not communicate with him ever again. I will not talk to him, text him or dare to ever hang out with him. I will avoid him like the plague. There. I resolve to shut him out of my life forever. In fact, I will try to blissfully (albeit bitterly) deny his existence. Who? Huh? Who? Oh sorry, I don't know him.

If this is what it takes to sleep peacefully again, to be truly happy again, to not feel this tormenting, aching feeling ever again, then so be it. His replies to my stupid texts are so nonchalant anyway. It's foolish for me to even try to bring him back. Foolish. Anyone who knows our story would just shake their head and tell me to stop, just let go and move on.

You came and got things today,
I packed your car, I watched you drive away
I cried so many tears that day,
It burnt my face, it felt like acid rain.
I know I can't keep lying to myself,
I said I'd be content with someone else,
I know I never have to face the pain

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.

It's gonna take a little time to stick in my mind
the fact you're gone for good.
Cause when you said you're leaving me, I heard it before,
I never really thought you would
Maybe I should be glad that you've gone away
I know the pain would not be here to stay
If I can only fool myself maybe, baby,

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.

That I won't cry, I'm moving on.

I know it's hard enough, to fall in and out of love,
But when something is gone,
to keep holding on
will only break your heart.
So I won't play the fool by begging you to stay
I wanna keep it inside, til you're out of sight,
Maybe that way,

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.
Me and you.

And we both know we're through.

~ I Won't Cry, Profyle

Saturday, December 13, 2003


Argghh. I haven't been in an AKAfellas gig for a long time now. 'Not distracted anymore!!! Haven't had my sugar-rush 'fellas lately. And so in random moments of stillness, his memory haunts me. I still miss him terribly. I don't know if he knows it. Well I texted him tons of times when I was in Baguio and we had a pretty decent chat but... NOTHING.

Leaving is sad when he didn't even know you stayed.

I recall when you said that you would never leave me
You told me more, so much more like when the time you whispered in my ear
It was heaven in my heart
I remember when you said that you'll be here forever

Then you left without even saying that you're leaving
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday
And I prayed that you would stay
But then you're gone and oh so far away

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within
I have learned to live my life without you
Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dream you'll come and touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreaming til my heartaches end.

~ Til My Heartaches End, Ella Mae Saison

I pretend to be okay with it. I pretend that I have forgotten. I pretend that I don't wish, in every breath I take, that he will come back.

Saying goodbye
Is never an easy thing
But you never said
That you'd stay forever.
So if you must go,
Oh darling I set you free,
But I know in time
We'll be together

I won't try
To stop you now from leaving
Coz in my heart I know

Love will lead you back,
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms,
Where you belong
I'm sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again, it won't be long,
One of these days our love will lead you back.

One of these nights,
I'll hear your voice again,
And you're gonna say,
how much you missed me.
You'll walk out this door,
But someday you'll walk back in,
And darling I know
I know this will be.

Sometimes it takes,
Sometime your on your own now
To find your way back home...

~ Love Will Lead You Back, Taylor Dayne

I don't want to wait in vain for his love. My mind is willing, but my damn stubborn heart is weak.

And so I pretend that I am happy and content. Everyday, I sing a lonely song in a happy tune. I make sarcastic remarks, I laugh at the hilarious, I post fun cutesy stuff on the message board, I scream cheers... But I sing a lonely song in a happy tune.

Days swiftly come and go
I'm dreaming of (him)...
... Emotions they stir
The sun is gone
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise...

~ Swing, Swing, All-American Rejects