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Friday, June 27, 2003


FOOLISH (Ashanti)

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is achin for ya
I can't stop crying
I don't know how I allow you to treat me this way and still I stay

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you know I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears
after all these years...

I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
what love will make you do
all the things that we accept
be the things that we regret...

See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
Never gonna change, never gonna change...

Baby why you hurt me, leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back...


See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurting while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more,
I can't keep running back to you

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurting while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more,
I won't keep running back to you

I think I found my strength to finally get up and leave
No more broken heart for me
No more tellin' your lies to me
I'm lookin' like I got my head on right so now I see
No more givin' you everythin'
There's no more takin' my love from me

Glad to wake up every day without you on my brain
No more waiting late up at night
No more havin' to fuzz and fight
I'm proud to say that I will never make the same mistake
No more thinkin' about what you do
There's no more of me runnin' back to you

You must be used to me cryin'
While you're out bumpin' and grindin'
But I'm leaving you tonight

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurting while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more,
I can't keep running back to you.

OVER (Ashanti)

Can't believe that it's over baby
But every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we fight then we cried now it's over babe, it's over babe.

When I met you I knew you would be the one for me
coz looking at you had me feelin kind of crazy
now what you asked I almost did it automatically
but it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me.

I thought by staying, trying to change you would be worth it babe,
but now I see that trying to change you only changed me...

... All these tears,and all of your lies
All these years and now we're saying goodbye it's over babe.

Now I'm thinking that I never should have dealt with you,
Raining late at night I'm sitting waiting up for you
just to tell you how I hate who you turned into,
see ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you,
I'm never playing another day of being your fool,
I wasted all my time on something that just wasn't true,
I should have known that I could never ever change you.
All these tears, and all of your lies,
all these years and now we're saying goodbye it's over babe.

I'll never forget what you did to me
so I'm gone, I'm leaving, leaving baby,
I'll never forget what you did to me
so I'm gone I'm leaving, leaving baby.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

He's never gonna be ready, is he? He will never talk to me ever again. I will never ever hear his reaction/reply to my so-called ruminations. So screw that game plan. He must think I'm some overly-emotional drama queen harrassing his thoughts like that. *LMFAO* Well here's another fake grin >>> (",)

Yes. I'm in a sad/bitchy mood now. Pardon me while I burst into flames.

Tea and Sympathy. I wonder why we tried for things that could never be. (Jars of Clay)

I have just gotten sick of thinking about it all the time. It's so f@*#ng tormenting that I am beginning to hate all this bull. It's just a freakin waste of energy. I have gotten so tired. So tired. I quit, I give up. There is nothing good for anybody else...

I wish he just left me alone in the first place. He has freakin f@*#ed up my life big time. Dammit.

Losing my grip. Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby? Why'd you turn away, is what I have to say. I was left to cry there, waiting outside there, grinning with a lost stare. That's when I decided why should I care coz you weren't there when I was scared. I was so alone. Yeah, you need to listen... I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone. Crying out loud, I'm crying out loud. Damn, that Avril Lavigne girl writes such great angsty music. Great for singing along with when you're feeling all shitty.

Why do guys do that "love 'em and leave 'em bullshit"? I hate this. I f@*#ing hate this. I thought I was gonna get fixed, but it turned out I just got broken again. Poetic bullshit.

Wow. Isn't it just peachy -- how he is having his nervous breakdown while I am getting my fix of emotional breakdown? Don't you just hate it when life poops on your parade?

Gee, care for a fake smile? I'm flashing it now straight at yah.

La Cienega Just Smiled. I love this Ryan Adams song. In fact, I love most of Ryan Adam's songs that got played in Felicity. This guy is good. Queue him on your Winamp and, voila, great soundtrack for crying and/or deep contemplation.

... And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
La Cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye
"Ah the it comes again"

How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
How I feel about you now
La Cienega just smiles and says, "I'll see you around"

It's Harder Now That It's Over. Another tear-jerker from Ryan Adams. This was the song being played while Ben Covington reads Felicity Porter's letter. It's raining hard outside. Tracks of rain on his window pane. You see him lying on his bed. Tormented. Couldn't sleep. Felicity tosses and turns as well on the other side of New York. They are so broken up at this point. This was "The Storm" episode.

'Cause honey it's over now
It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history

I heard your wrists got bruised
Must've felt just like old times
I wish you would've grabbed the gun
And shot me 'cause I died
And I'm nothing now without you
yeah, I'm less than nothing now
I'm the one between the bars and lost forever now
'Cause honey it's over
It's harder now that its over.

Tomorrow. Avril Lavigne again. Softer this time...

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't

Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

Tomorrow it may change.

The Day You Went Away. Now this is the ultimate heartbroken's song. Anthem material. Really. *cringe* Triple cringe. By Wendy Matthews...

Hey, does it ever make you wonder what's on my mind?
I was only ever running back to your side
I never cried, I just watched my life go by
It's just a pack of lies,
'cause you're leaving me behind

Why, after this long is there nothing I'll keep
Oh, I can shout
you'll pretend you're falling asleep
I live a lie, yeah, believing that you're mine
It's just a waste of time
'cause you're leaving me behind

Hey, there's not a cloud in the sky
It's as blue as your goodbye
and I thought that it would rain
on a day like today
Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
it's as blue as your blue goodbye
and I thought that it would rain
the day you went away...

Hurt Before. By The Corrs. I listen to this when I'm sick of Sarah McLachlan... Time for more poetic bull... *fake grin*fake grin*

She's a girl in a world, she's moving as fast as she goes
Loves her mom and her dad, the only secure that she knows
But at night, she's alone, she's dreaming of somebody new
Her someone for to hold, she's praying the dream will come true

Show me the way, show me, show me how
Help me be brave for love
Show me the way, show me, tell me how
What do you say

There's a pain in her heart, she's trying so hard to unwind
Makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind
Wants to break through the the fear
Erasing the scars from within
Start a new kind of being
She's down and she's praying again

You see she's turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Stepping outside, with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Take it in stride, you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before

Yeah we've all been hurt before
So you're not alone... no...
You're not alone...

Thursday, June 05, 2003


I haven't slept at all in days. It's been so long since we've talked. And I have been here many times. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

What can I say to make you feel this?

There's only so much I can take. And I just gotta let it go. And who knows I might feel better if I don't try and I don't hope.

Maybe there's nothing more to say. In a funny way I'm calm. Because the power is not mine, I'm just going to let it fly.

My favorite crescent moon is up again tonight. It remains up there... mocking me... reminding me of what he had said that time. It will forever be there like a haunting memory. Echoes of what we have said that night torments me to death.

Who would have known, huh. Who would have known it would come to this sordid state of... Argh. I give up. I don't even have the words anymore to effectively describe and encapsulate the pain I feel right now so you can, in some way, realize the intensity of how it's killing me tonight.

Are you aware of what you make me feel, honey
Right now I feel invisible to you like I'm not real
Why'd you turn away?

I was left to cry there
Waitin' outside there ...

... You weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone.


Wednesday, June 04, 2003

And these are the nights I subsist on Sarah McLachlan... lonely, lonely nights.

So he doesn't answer me again. Oh well. Strange. Like I'm talking to nobody. I tried God. I did try.

"I never would have opened up but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard it's refreshing not to see
that I don't have to pretend
he doesn't expect it from me.
So don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I haven't been there for you
just tell me why nothing is good enough."

~ Good Enough, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

My favorite crescent moon is up. There's a tiny solitary star right above it. So far away. So painfully far away. They look breath-taking together when you look up the night sky. But they're so far away...

"A breath between us could be miles
Everytime I'm close to you, there's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot to tell you I love you
and the night's too long and cold here without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say i need you so. "

~ I Love You, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

Is it always supposed to hurt like this? Why does this always have to happen to me? I run blind and I fall deep. But I did choose this path, suffice it to say. But indeed, to choose love is to choose pain. Those are the two sides of the coin. That is an unescapable truth.

"Fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
this yearning to be near you
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize
but I don't know how to let you go."

~ Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

When I was around 14, I used to believe that love does hurt. And when it does, you just have to love some more until the hurting stops.

"Hold on, hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell
You know that only time can tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing."

~ Hold On, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

"There's always one reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless
and maybe I'll find some peace tonight
It doesn't make no difference
escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness
oh, this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees."

~ Angel, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball