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Saturday, October 25, 2003


It's 4:49 am and I'm awake. I woke up twice after having a sad dream. Look at that. I don't have bad dreams... just sad ones.

The First Dream. We were walking around in a mall with friends. I avoided him. I never walked alongside him. Whenever he'd inch close, I'd either stop on my tracks and let him walk past me or I steer clear of him by walking on some other friend's side. One of his hands was apparently broken and was in a cast. He was starting up a conversation about his broken hand and I just kinda nodded and said uh-huh. Then we sat down in a food court --just him across me and one of my gal pals beside me. He was eating tonkatsu which he bought from a nearby fast food. I was wondering where he bought it but I did not directly ask him. I was looking around at the food court, searching for the logo that matched what was printed on his plate.

I remember that it was so agonizing sitting across him like that. Since I sleep with the radio on, I fortituously semi-woken up to an apt soundtrack. How insanely cruel is that?

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go?
Cause this pain I feel
It won't go away
And today I'm officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today
I'm officially missing you

Oh can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I'm officially missing you

All I do is lay around
Two ears full tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don't even know you at all
I don't know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say baby safe to say
That I'm officially missing you

Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way
To let go of you

~ Officially Missing You, Tamia

The Second Dream. We were in a car with friends. I remember two scenes with me already sitting alone at the backseat and him going inside the car and choosing to sit beside me. I was at the window seat and he was beside me while his friend was on his other side. There was no space between us. He was sitting so agonizingly close to me. I never looked his way. I just sat there, with my head turned away from him, looking absent-mindedly outside through the window. I was on the verge of crying. I was thinking: here he was sitting close to me and he hasn't the faintest idea how my heart was aching just by sitting beside him. I remember feeling that same ache I felt in real life when I missed him so much that it was killing me inside. Yeah, THAT kind of torture. That was the saddest dream I had. A real killer. I woke up again after that. My radio was conspiring with the dream fairy or whatever. I woke up to an Aaliyah song. Again, a very apt soundtrack for the drama.

Yes you went away...
... You up and left me...
Now you're gone and I'm lost without you here now
But I know I gotta live and make it somehow
Come back to me
Can you hear me (Callin')
Hear me callin' (For you)
For you...

Now I'm sittin' here
Thinkin' 'bout you
And the days we used to share
It's drivin' me crazy
I don't know what to do
I'm just wonderin' if you still care
I don't wanna let you know
That it's killin' me
I know you got another life you gotta concentrate baby
Come back to me
Can you hear me (Callin')
Hear me callin' (For you)
For you...

I can't breathe no more
Since you went away
I don't really feel like talkin'
Don't wanna hear you don't love me
Baby do you understand me
I can't do a thing without you

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
(Tell me what I'm gonna do)
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you

~ Miss You, Aaliyah

I remember feeling this excruciating pain in my heart when I was in those dreams and after I woke up. My dreams must have spoken the truth that I was trying to deny. I was trying to be very brave and just let go and forget about him. But I apparently couldn't. He is here forever. His memory will always lurk at the back of my mind. Like that Morrissey song: The more I ignore him, the closer he gets. He is now a central part of my mind's landscape whether I care or do not. I wanted to cry to let out all the hurt but my tearducts couldn't stage a decent drama. I probably ran out of tears. Oh well. There'll be tomorrow.

Saturday, October 18, 2003


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Tuesday, October 14, 2003


Disclaimer: I did not write the article below but I might as well had written it. My sentiments exactly... well, except for some minor parts of the author's outbursts.

Please do not think me immature if I can't work on being friends with you anymore, although I know it was I who wanted to nurture the friendship in the first place.

I have decided that I do not want to have any kind of connection with you. Let me make it clear that I am not angry with you because you left me. Why should I force myself on someone who does not want me? If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. What angers me is that you lied to me. To tell you the truth, the discovery of your deception devastated me more than the breakup. I never thought you could do that. Of all your traits, I admired your honesty and sincerity the most. I always thought you would never lie to me or hide anything.

But all that is in the past. I don't want to be bitter anymore because I want to remember the times we spent together without wanting to puke. But it's such a waste, right? We had so many wonderful and super-fun times together.

To cope, I have decided to make believe that the person I fell in love with died. He went away to the province for a vacation and died there. The person who came back was a different man I didn't know.

This way, I can remember "him" and the good times with tenderness and without anger. I know it's childish, but that's me.

Why should I make my life miserable thinking that the person I loved so much betrayed me? I can't handle that.

Wouldn't it be better to think that the person you fell in love with died, instead of becoming a monster? It's not his fault he died and I can hold on to the idea that he wanted to come back to me but just couldn't.

And so, I don't have to feel anything when I see you. Not regret, not sadness, not even yearning. You're not the person I fell in love with. I don't even have to say "hi" because I don't even know you.

It's just like in the movie Life is Beautiful. There will be things, people and situations that will really make your life wretched, but it's up to you whether you let these ruin you. It's up to you to make your life "beautiful". This is my way of making my life beautiful.

I fell in love with a wonderful person. He will always have a special place in my heart and I'll remember the fun times we had together. But I know he's never coming back and it's time to go. It's time to move on.

But you... you have betrayed me. I don't know you. I don't have to see you for the rest of my life. I have no connection whatsoever with you. You can do the same if you want. If I caused you pain, just pretend that I got stung by a jellyfish and died, or I was just a bad dream. It's up to you--be creative.

My last request is to respect the memories of the relationship of the person you once loved. Leave the memories to those who will truly cherish them. Don't allow them to be tarnished by others through their curiosity and careless prying. Keep them special by not making them part of your "hot seat" or "truth or dare" games. They are stories meant to be enjoyed by people who care, not by people who are just plain nosy.

When we see each other in the future (which I doubt will ever happen), let's pretend it's our first meeting. Wouldn't that be so much fun?

You might call this denial. Maybe, but how else can I protect myself? How can I keep myself from being traumatized by love, from becoming cynical? How can I keep my faith in love, which is something marvelous?

Crazy? Weird? Whatever. That's the "me" you fell in love with.

Monday, October 06, 2003


Ok. I understand him now. I finally do. I have heard the explanation which finally makes sense and which didn't sound like BS. So there. I can truly, truly say that I have forgiven him now. No BS on my part. Really.

It's just sad that I was not given a chance to understand all this early on. It would've spared me tons of unnecessary agony.

Before I knew, I had so much hatred and pain in my heart. Primarily, it was this hatred that was preventing me from sincerely forgiving him for what he has done to me. I know I gave him a BS forgiveness the last time. Well this time, it's no bull. I don't know if I should tell him this for his peace of mind. I know my sincere forgiveness will mean a lot to him. So maybe one day, I will.

There is no more hatred in me. It's just the pain that's left here -- a dark, aching void and this pain that kills me everyday everytime I remember.

A friend asked why HE had to be The Person Who Broke My Heart the Baddest. My answer was simple: It was because I really loved him. And the person whom you loved so much will be the only person who can have the power to hurt you really bad. Ergo, it also follows that the intensity of your hate will be just as much as the intensity of your love.

Before his birthday, I thought I have perfectly moved on. I was patting myself for a job well done but then it turns out that, subconsciously, I am still not over and I probably never will be.

Yesterday, I cried. After the morning mass, I went to the adoration chapel to talk to God. During the homily, the priest posed this question: Where does love come from? Does it come from other persons? The answer is NO. For love can only come from God. Because God is love (I know, so cliche isn't it?!). Therefore, I realized that I should not seek love from anybody. The love will not come to them no matter what, if God did not give it to them for the purpose of sharing it to me. It would be utter frustration to yearn for someone then. And so I talked to God. I did not hide from Him my wondering as to why the f@%k I was in such deep sh*t. I wondered if all this misery will never ever end for me. God must have been pretty entertained with my 30-minute melodrama inside the adoration chapel. HAH. Oh well. Nevertheless, I think I heard Him say that He will take care of all this for me. I really, as in really, could not take this anymore coz I am just so tired of fighting this mad game. I think I heard from somewhere that if you really can't take something anymore, let go and let God (hoo-ha! another cliche!). So there. I am letting Him handle this. It's in my outbox and in His inbox.

Que cera, cera.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

~ White Flag, Dido

Thursday, October 02, 2003

The world is a vampire. ~ Smashing Pumpkins

Why does it have to be an effing big deal that it's his birthday today? Birthday my foot. Am I freakin' obliged to greet him?

I have decided last night not to greet him at all. I mean, why bother? But then, his friend pestered me to greet him so that he'll be happy. He must be BS'ing me, I thought. So I said to him: "HAH! I don't think I will, AT ANY RATE, have a bearing whatsoever in his happiness." He replied na 'kala ko lang daw yun. Of course he'd be happy and that he's sure that his friend will be smiling upon reading my message. Yeah right. I have never heard such bull since 9/11.

How can a friend do that to another hurting friend? It's like I am healing with scab wounds now and he just goes, oh goody, why don't I scrape 'em right off! F@#king hurts. Dammit. Why did he have to say that it is the birthday of my "honey" today? Why does he have to say that he is in my (name here)'s house tonight? I mean, fine, he might just be humoring me but hey, at times like this, I don't like taking a joke coz I am not laughing. Kill me now, why don't you?! He is a good friend but I just couldn't help but lash out at him. I told him: Pls. be a friend and stop referring to him as if he's mine coz we have pretty much established that he isn't. Okay? OKAAAY?! Grrrr. >:( And I am about to cry any moment now...

I hate this. Now I'm feeling all shitty once again. All because some friend has so insensitively rubbed it onto my face that it is HIS birthday today. So ladies and gentlemen, the beeeotch in me has come out of hibernation. Pardon me while I burst into flames.

I have contemplated long and hard as to what to say to him when I greet him. Do I say happy birthday with a period or with an exclamation point? With a smiley or without? When do I greet him -- morning, noon or night? Do I say anything else or what? So finally, I texted him around 7-ish when I was on my way home. "Hi. Happy Birthday." Short. Curt. Direct to the point. Without emotion that it sounded so constrained. I was itching to follow it up with " I hope you're happy." but that would just reek with bitterness, won't it. He will definitely smell the burning sarcasm. I was satisfied with my "script". I wanted to get across the message that "hey, I opted not to play a dumbass and pretend that I didn't know it was your birthday... so there. I greeted you. I have done my divine obligation as a human being. Goodbye." It has turned so twistedly hilarious to me when he replied with the same tone and said thanks with a period. Not an exclamation point. No smiley. Har-har.

So end of story, right? We have followed the etiquette. We have civilly responded to each other. Period.

But nooooo. Let us relive the shit, why don't we?! Let's revisit the house of pain. It's his birthday and he'll do whatever he wants to do.

Here he goes texting me again and thanking me coz I remembered his birthday. And he was asking how I was. I didn't reply so he texted me again and asked if I was still up. I never replied. What is the point anyway? And excuse me, isn't it a tad rude to ask me how I was doing after what he did to me? Whoa. Hello?! Excuse me, mister--you do not ever get to ask me how I am after what you did to me. You have no right to ask me how I feel.

Sure. Ultimately, being creatures of God that we are, we of course don't ever want to live our lives here on earth knowing that we have made an enemy out of what had been a relationship. Who wants to live life knowing that somebody out there hates us for what we have done to them? We all want to make peace with ourselves and with the rest of the world. For there is nothing far worse than having to sleep at night thinking that you have been made out as a bad person by this other person that you did not intentionally hurt. Fine. I understand that need. He just needs peace. Don't we all? But when you flip the coin, you would know that it is never easy to forgive and forget. Only a few people have the gift of both forgiving and forgetting. And I belong to the unlucky majority.

I will run through the cliches now: Time heals all wounds. Only time will tell. Forgiving is easy, but forgetting isn't. My only hate sprung from my only love. Or something like those. Pardon me if I messed some of them up. But those are what I could remember for now.

So I tell you now, you just can't force forgiveness out of anyone just like that. You can't expect that all the "sorry"s in the world that you can sincerely say within a finite time frame can magically bridge the gap between persons and make everything all better. Sometimes, you just can't fix things like that. As I have said, I can forgive but I don't think I will ever forget. You can't make me grant you your peace of mind. Sorry, I do not feel obliged to make you feel any better than before you profusely apologized. Whether you say sorry just once or a hundred times, whether you sincerely mean it or not, whether you say it to me personally or you don't, IT DOESN'T CHANGE A THING. What has happened already happened. You cannot undo all the hurt, the pain and the sadness. You cannot make things any better than it is now. There won't be any difference. I do not see the point now. Not just yet. Sorry.