My convo with Tere on the way home yesterday has got me thinking about this...
I hate it when people label you. They think they can judge you. They think they know. But they are NOT in my shoes. They do not see the whole picture. They do not know what has been happening.
They kid me and say that I am such a fan. A groupie. It irritates the crap out of me how I have to explain myself. I am not a fan. I am not a groupie. It is exasperating most of the time to hear it over and over again that I don't bother explaining anymore. I do not comment and object sometimes but I resent being labelled like that.
And it annoys me how some people think they are a bunch of jologs guys coz they are not. One time I had to "defend" them and explain that these guys have such good breeding, they are well-schooled, they are Ateneans and La Sallians and etc. They are not some cheap act who is entering showbiz for all the glam and glitter of it all. They are there for their passion and craft.
I was also pissed when some people poked fun at how one of them looked like, with his non-blinking eyes and all, at one of their gigs and on TV during that Mossimo thing. Gaah. Some people!
Yes, initially, I guess that's how everyone started -- as a fan of their abilities to perform and entertain everyone with their gift of voices, groovy dance moves and insanely funny humor. But then, since these guys have such good breeding and are such genuinely nice persons who really talk to you and make the effort to get to know you as a person (and not just someone who claps at their performances), you get the chance to know them better. You realize they are not BS'ing you with artificial crap. They indeed see you as a person. And as months of being with them off-stage/hanging around with them/talking to them/ watching them go by, you realize that you do not go to their gigs simply because you like seeing them. You are there because you want to support them and give your appreciation in the same way that they are giving you theirs. They are real persons, not somebody up there in a pedestal. They happen to be nice, friendly persons so you happen to grow into friendship with them.
You do not expect to be let in for free. You pay the entrance fee if there is one. You do not demand to be in their guest list. Your ears may be bleeding from hearing "Bongga Ka Day" for the nth time but you still stay and watch. You have memorized their repertoire and rarely hear anything new but you are still entertained. You do not think they're jologs coz they will perform with the Jaboom (?) twins. You get genuinely concerned when something happens to them. You are comfortable enough with them to tell them to change their shirts when they're soaking in sweat. You clone stamp their sweat stains on their pictures before posting them for mass consumption coz you do not want to embarrass them. You can tell them their current hairstyle doesn't look nice. That they need a haircut coz their bangs look like damn pineapple leaves. You can tell them that "Bongga Ka Day" is really not your favorite song at all but thank them anyway for singing it to you on your birthday. You can tell them that thou shall not molest thy microphone when they are dancing onstage (ahaha!). You can call them Lolo, Huggy-wuggy and Dao Ming without any qualms. You can tease them with their slang-ish singing of "frisco" and "disco" in Annie Batumbakal. You can make a face and go "ewww" when you do not want to beso them goodbye coz their faces are streaming with sweat right after the gig. It's even sweet and considerate of them when they alert you by saying "Pawis!" when you are about to give them a beso-hug. (Funny how you end up giving each other virtual besos instead!) On the other hand, you can tell them that their shoes kick ass. That their Hugo Boss-inspired outfits look great on them. That they are such gwapings. That their hair highlights look nice on them. You can commend them for losing weight. You send them inspiring lil pep messages when they need it. You can tell them anything coz you know you can be real with them.
You realize how its such a tiring work for them sometimes when you see them dozing off or slumping in their chairs while waiting for Aliya Parcs to finish her damn long set. You admire them because you get to see how they have their school notes and books with them, trying their very best to pull off studying at daytime and "working" at night.
You help put up a site for them because in some way, this is what you can do to somehow help them and repay their sweetness. You do not expect to be treated extra-special or to be paid by Franco (hahaha!) because of it. You do it because you want to. You take their pictures and give them copies of their performances because you know they are wondering how the heck they did in that gig.
You become happy for their success. You have been there during their pre-debut album days. You have heard them tell you that they felt bad when people from Baguio booo'ed them during the Radioworks gig last Ad Congress because the Baguio peeps don't know and don't care who the guys were at that time. Oh but look at them now. They are everywhere and the gigs are left and right. You are genuinely happy for them for you have seen how hard they have worked their asses off to be where they are now. You smile faintly as you watch these new people who come up to them after their shows and wonder if that was how you looked like waaay waaay back.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
My convo with Tere on the way home yesterday has got me thinking about this...
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/30/2004 03:07:00 PM
It's been a month since I last spent time with the akakada. I have detached myself for almost the whole month of May coz of some personal stuff. But since I decided some time late this month that I cannot take sh*t fr ___ anymore, I said to myself that I should go back into my social circle and be with friends again. I have been missing my friends from the forum for ages... i just read and tagged on their blogs to keep in touch but it's just not the same as when I am out with them having a darn good blast of fun.
What I miss about this bunch are their warmth, their sweetness and their "genuineness" in dealing with everyone. And the hugs, let's not forget the hugs... In my entire life, I have never been a "huggy" person, but when I got to know them, I have started to appreciate genuinely-given hugs and felt wonderful giving them hugs myself. Really, *no crap* I thank God that I have managed to cross paths with such wonderful people like them...
So anyway, I was actually tamad to go to Galleria yesterday coz Charo was not coming with me. But then, I just chatted with Teena and Tere at YM last Friday night and I sooo started to miss everyone so I went coz I really wanted to see them again. Plus I also missed the fellas too. I haven't been to a gig for a month and I have heard they had new songs in their repertoire...
At Galle, I proceeded to Shakey's where everyone was supposed to meet. I saw Lucy, Mika, Teena, Sybs (and Nikki) there. Aww, it was so nice to see these gals again!:) After hanging out, we decided to go take a peek at the guys who were supposed to perform at this Miss Robinsons Pageant thing. Basically, they were there to "serenade" the contestants as the girls sashayed onstage. Now I haven't seen the guys in such a long time and it was such a sight to see them in their formal suits! Naaaks, the boys are all grown up! *tear* They looked so good in their suits, I swear. Funny though how they had to sing the super mega extended version of "Maghihintay Sayo" coz the contestants were not yet done with their modelling whatever thingie down on the main stage (the guys were at the elevated part of the stage).
Gaah. Were were they when you needed a prom date, huh? ;)
After the show, there was another sight to see: Pau, Ikey, Red and Reubs still in their suits, lining up at Jollibee :D
After Galleria, Teena, Mika, Sybs, Leslie and I went to the new Dish at The Loop, ABS CBN. Twas my first time to go there. It's way better than the old dish at Power Plant, Rockwell. It was a great gig night coz the fellas were performing back-to-back with South Border.
It was good that I decided to go with them at Dish coz there, I saw Rommel, Tere, June (now these three I haven't seen for the longest time ever!), Hogi and Peachy. And then I met Mic there for the first time. We have been reading each other's blog and commenting here and there but we never really met each other. Funny how it went:
Mic: (after the beso goes...) Hi!!! *smiles and then had a puzzled look on her face* ... Who are you?!
me: I'm Aileen!
Mic: Ah, it's you! You look different!
(coz she's only seen my pics on the net)
Hahaha! Mic, that was precious! Wahahaha! ;P
As usual, we are a picture-happy bunch:
Even though I have had lotsa pictures with the guys, I just had to have some new ones last night. I was telling Robi, "Hey, I have got to have a picture with the new slim you! Naaaks!" (Notice the kooky Ikey making a face behind Robi). And then Reubs, we never really had a good picture together coz most of the time he has a weird pose... He goes: "Oh, update! Update!" After the shot he goes: "Oh ha, iniba ko na ang smile ko, tingnan mo..." And then Hogi came over to where we were standing and we posed. Hogi goes: "Yuuuuck, pa-cute ako....". And then Rommel and Mika joins in. Gaah. Leslie was cropped and I was also almost cropped and then date-stamped. That's what you get when you take pictures in the dark and just take a good guess as to where to aim the camera! ;P
It was my first time to see Jin perform bass for the guys. And I thought Karl was not gonna be there coz he was singing front act for the Black Eyed Peas that night. Good thing he made it to Dish after performing at the BEP gig. I thought I was not gonna hear the much-talked about new songs that night since it was Jin who was with them. Good thing Roger popped in at the latter part of the show. So yebbah, I finally heard the rock version of Ocho-Ocho c/o Robi (wow, the guys were jumping up and down onstage like some grunge rock band, hehehe) and the bossa nova (naaaaks!) version of Bulaklak c/o Karl. I swear, only they can pull off that kind of stunt! Galeng... You would shudder at the thought of them singing such kinds of songs but hey, they pulled it off with such style!
After the fellas, we stayed on to watch South Border. Aww, I sooo luv Jay Durias' voice. These guys are good. It was my first time to see them live with Duncan and the other new vocalist. It was sooo nice hearing their old songs again like Tulog, Sayo and Kahit Kailan. Aww, and their version of Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing... *gaah* *melts*... And Klymaxx's I'd Still Say Yes. Man, these guys are really good as always.
'Hitched a ride with Tere (thanks!) and had such a nice conversation on the way home.
Around 12:30 am on the way home, I got this forwarded message from him again. What a timing. I didn't reply to it. I said to myself, I can't live like this. I AM GETTING MY GROOVE BACK and nothing can stop me! Yebbah.
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/30/2004 01:42:00 PM
Saturday, May 29, 2004
I was finishing up with my late breakfast when my dad and our maid gave our pitbull Kikay a bath. I so missed taking her pictures so I grabbed my digicam and snapped away...
And then I played with her for awhile after her bath. She likes nibbling and slurping my hand so with one hand on her, my other hand was holding the cam and taking her pix... man, this is a boring weekend morning and I didn't have anything else exciting to do ;p
She likes looking over our koi pond when she's not in her cage. These shots were taken months back...
I remembered that I took her pix waaaay back when she was also taking a bath in an old baby's bath tub. Here she is with her orange ball...
Awww, she's such a character! I wuv her, I wuv her, I wuv her!
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/29/2004 12:04:00 PM
Friday, May 28, 2004
Saw Shrek 2 yesterday with Bianx, Jeco, Rico and Vic (plus her date) at G4. Twas an unplanned thing, Vic just made yaya to us coz she was going out on a 2nd date with the dude and she wanted us to accompany her.
I luv it, i luv it! It's funnier than Shrek 1. Eddie Murphy's Donkey character is uber-funny like before. I was LMFAO over Donkey's lines!:D And my new fave: Antonio Banderas' Puss in Boots!
*Awww.* Sooo cute!!! Who can resist those cutesy, pa-awa-effect eyes?
Fave scenes: Donkey's "Are we there yet?" scene (i sooo luvd this one!); Pinocchio and his red thongs; Donkey turning into a stallion; Poor Pinocchio turning into a boy and then turning back into a wooden puppet again; Donkey and Dragon's baby freaks; the fairy god mother singing that "I Need a Hero" song; the Prince Charming and his glittery lip gloss; Puss in Boots making super pa-cute to Shrek and to the castle guards in another scene.
The movie was done around 10ish pm. Haven't eaten dinner yet so we decided to eat on the way home. We were in two cars, on convoy on the way to the South... Bianx and Rico in Bianx's car and then me and Jeco in his car. I thought that Bianx was gonna be the one to take me home since she's from Alabang. We were just kidding when we were telling Jeco that he's supposed to bring me home. Coz he's like from the far far away land of Antipolo (Sybs, taga-bundok nyo ;P). We ate at Brothers Burger at Alabang first and hung around there til 12-ish. Man, it amuses me when some people get surprised(?)/amused(?) when they find out that I have a sumkinda bastos side. Wahahaha. Me and my dirty mind! (Abbie and the rest of my dear Forces gals, they say I look innocent?! Bwahaha! I am sooo amused. Do I really look like I'mma good guuurl? Hahaha!) I think I just shattered my wholesome image with a coupla words I said. *teehee*
So anyway, Bianx left her car first at Bellevue Alabang and then we all rode Jeco's car. Dropped off Rico at Zapote road and then Jeco and Bianx brought me home. Grabeh, no kidding ha, San Pedro is sooo layoooo from Antipolo... gaah, the dude had to drive back home and to think I got home around 1-ish already. Ang bait, grabe.
Yebbah. All 14 of us in the office will watch Harry Potter next Friday. Rico and Ge bought our tickets already. Grabe, OA the line for Harry Potter tickets ha. (Uyyy, si Abbie, excited na over HP!)
Gaaah. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Oh but I actually luvvv it. Gaaah. Laboh, mhen.
I heard a guy-theory. Gaah. Then I am soooo dead and busted (I think).
Psst. PEOPLE WHO KNOW, BEHAVE! SHHHH. QUIET! DO NOT COMMENT ;p SA YM NA LANG... ;)
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/28/2004 10:04:00 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Slim chance that someone who listens to Norah Jones, Josh Groban and Michael Buble will go to a Linkin Park gig with me, right?! Even if I paid for his tickets, I don't think I can ever drag someone like him to a moshpit ;P
Hail Parokya ni Edgar! Finally, a genuinely nice song... not some novelty/faddish song. I first heard it at RX, now I'm hearing it at Magic. YOUR SONG. Love it, love it. It's my new fave OPM :) Another lesser known love song of PNE that I sooo luv is "TATLONG ARAW". It's an old, old song... waaaay back in my college days. This song was what made me like them.
*warning: skip this if you're eating or if you're too squeamish*
We just had our company's annual physical check-up last Saturday and I meant to post this thought here:
Who's job is it to check out all our *literal* crap (read: poop and pee) under the microscope or somethin? Med techs? Anyway, I pity those poor guys. Imagine, being in front of literal sh*t all day?! Well at least when you ask them how they are, they can actually say that "life is sh*tty." *teehee*
And some people, helloooo... it sez on the guidelines that thou shall give only THUMBNAIL size poopies. C'mon, don't give the poor folks a shock with your *DA BOMB* stool samples and a garapon-ful of weewee! Have a heart!!!
I just read Hogi's post about Friendster testimonials. Here's what I wrote on her comments page:
i sooo agree with this! i find it super ANNOYING to the nth power how some people (who apparently don't have a life! ;P) SPAM my bulletin board with "testi ko pls." messages. i mean, i strongly believe that testi's should be freely given, not begged from/forced out of a person.
oh, but ako naman nahihiya minsan, i "feel" obligated to make testi's for people who willingly made me one
I think it's such poor taste to "beg" for a testimonial via the bulletin board. It's soooo friggin' annoying, I swear! Me, so far, I only asked for testimonials from my uber-close friends (ermmm, which remiiiinds me... Mitzi?! Virgin Charo?! Yooohooo. Hahahahaha! ;P).
As to receiving "unsolicited" testimonials, I am touched... especially if I haven't even done a testimonial for the said person. In such cases, making a testimonial for that person is on my "To Do" list. Though I don't get to do it ASAP, I will definitely do it one day when I have more free time. I just think it's proper netiquette to return such favors.
Now for those "Add As A Friend" requests... I rarely approve requests of strangers to add me. Sometimes you get sick perverts on Friendster so I check their profile first. If their profile and friends list looks virtually like a sex page or something, of course I do not approve the request.
I just wish some people would have the netiquette to at least message you or something if they're a complete stranger and they want to add you.
I was supposed to post this thought when I first saw the video of Balisong by Rivermaya about 2 weeks ago...
Grrr. I am annoyed coz I think Rico Blanco is copying my dear Boydie >:( The skinny look, the overgrown wavy hair, the white shirt (was that white? anyway...) and jeans, the posture. Kainis! It's like he copied Brandon Boyd in the Wish You Were Here and Drive video.
Gaaah. Please don't desecrate my Boydie :(
I just got a report from work re: upcoming movies. Here are the ones that I am excited to see:
Meet the Fockers (Dec 2004)(I super-loved Meet The Parents! Ben Stiller cracks me up! I can't wait for this one!)
Mission Impossible 3 (May 2005)
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005-TBA) (I've been hearing raves about this book so I'm very curious to see it...)
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (Jan 2005)
The Ring 2 (Nov 2004)
X-Men 3 (May 2006)
Star Wars: Episode 3 (May 2005)
Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire (Nov 2005)
Miss Congeniality 2 (Mar 2005)
Exorcist: The Beginning (Aug 2004)
I'm pathetic. Haha. I am reading the book "In The Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant that my officemate lent me like 3 weeks ago. I am still on page 70 of 326 and I am still in the friggin' basement :( But I sooo wanna finish the book. It seems, uhhh, therapeutic to read it. It should be good for me ;)
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/27/2004 12:13:00 AM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Wag na init ulo baby! ~ Rivermaya
Work was crappy today. Cranky, crabby, grouchy. Yeah, I was pissed most of the time today.
REASONS WHY I WAS BEEOTCHY TODAY:
1. The Flyer From Hell Reincarnates... I have burned the flyer layout on CD first thing in the morning. I was ready to hand it off to the printer. Then our distributor calls me and tells me to make some last minute changes. Grrr. I hate wasting a good CD-R. No, our office-supplied CD-R was not the CD-R King twelve pesos kind. I totally hate wastage. And to think that we had already wasted P9K over this flyer thing for this big hypermart whatchamacallit. Somebody from their end approved the layout already. When they saw all 5K copies of the flyer, that's when they complain that they want this and that revisions. Apparently, the superior of the one who approved the layout didn't like it. Gaaah, I was totally pissed with how labo the whole approval process was. Laboh, mhen! Kainis! Grrrr to the nth power.
2. My boss was looking for this training CD from me. Whatdaaaa?! I don't even know what it looks like. I have never ever seen it. Gaah. I hate it when people look for stuff from me that I have nothing to do with in the first place.
3. I had to go through about 20 financial credit forms for one of our film production customers to re-compute the damn 3% cash discount. Gaaah. I have better things to do (like revise that flyer from hell:P ) than going through the pile of paperwork.
4. Our ad agency's Acrobat Reader was screwed up so they couldn't open the pdf of the flyer that I emailed. I asked them to do a banner based on the flyer. I had to freakin' scan the hard copy (and my stupid Epson printer/scanner/copier/card reader takes such precious minutes to complete the whole task of scanning one friggin' page) and email a jpeg version to them.
5. I realized I had to manually do the accruals tomorrow because the Oracle program that's supposed to automatically compute for the rebates has not yet been modified as per our renewed contracts with our clients.
6. I was checking out my blog and saw this comment made by an anonymous reader on my "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" post. He/she was commenting about my SM Dasma experience. To you, whoever you are (you may actually be an acquaintance or friend of mine, who knows... but anyway...) you just annoyed the hell out of me. But anyway, it's fun to answer your comments:P Feel free to curse me the next time around.
TWO THINGS THAT MADE ME SMILE TODAY:
1. He asked me how I was and I said I was badtripped! hahaha. He must think I'm a total grouch now ;P
2. My officemate emailed me this:
Hmm... Now this would've been such a kick-ass version of the movie! ;P
A FAIR WARNING:
To my virtuous readers: Don't give me a sermon about being thankful for my job/that at least I'm blessed that I have a job rather than no job at all and such similar preachy lines. I know that already. I am a woman with PMS. Hear me roar. :P
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/26/2004 08:07:00 PM
Sunday, May 23, 2004
To those who have seen the movie Troy (whether or not for the sole reason of seeing Brad Pitt's butt...): Doesn't he look so Adonis-like or what?
Yeah baby! Brad Pwet, uhh, Pitt rocks!;) Hmm. How old is he now? He still has a nice bod, grabe. With that golden bronze skin going on, golden blonde messy hair and uhh, (how many was that?) naked scenes of his... It was a freakin' long movie but I was pretty much kept alert with all that butt-showing of his. Hay. Lucky, lucky Jennifer Aniston.
Swear, in that one scene wherein he was in the tent with the cousin of Hector (right after the very first battle)... when he was washing his face and then he just undressed in front of her... I was like, "whoa. hmmm..." I swear, I found myself leaning forward on my seat and sorta peering below the silverscreen. Yeah. Like as if naman may masisilip pa way beyond the film frame! Haha! The "manyak" me unleashed!
So anyway, it was a good film in general.
I was surprised with how toned Orlando Bloom's bod was. I thought he was just a puny lil girly elf with long blonde hair fit for a shampoo ad:P But nevertheless, whether I am watching him on Pirates of the Caribbean or on Troy, he is still kick-ass archer Legolas to me. Man, he was such a sissy as Paris during that duel with that King. That cowardly, crawling scene he did... hay, kasi naman, the sword and spear and stuff were too heavy for girly Legolas. Mag-pana na lang kasi sya eh. Mas winner pa yun. So anyway, he did use the bow and arrow to kill poor Achilles. Hay, kasi naman the mom of Achilles (am I getting my Greek mythology right?)... hello?! Bakit kasi hindi di-nip pati the gorgeous heel of Achilles?! Grrr. And Helen... hay, lalandi-landi kasi eh! *tsk, tsk* The face that launched a thousand ships... (Oh but hey, come to think of it, my name's origin is from "Helen". But as for me, I think I launched a thousand love life disasters instead. haha!;P) Hmm, the actress looked disturbingly like Helen Hunt/Leelee Sobieski. Yuck, sooo NOT Greek goddess material!
As for Eric Bana who played Hector, I really liked his performance and his character. Very moving portrayal. Hmm, he didn't have a nude scene. Sadness. To quote Ala's take on Eric Bana's portrayal: "And Eric Bana certainly redeemed himself from his big Hulking mistake." Haha. I like that comment of hers.
One scene unexpectedly made me teary-eyed... this little scene wherein the warriors of Sparta were resting together at night. So they were just hanging around... and this warrior was carving out a horse/lion (can't remember what animal it was) figure out of wood. His fellow warrior (if I remember it right, I think it was that loyal warrior of Achilles...) who sat beside him was looking onto what he was doing. And this father/warrior says: "For my son...", explaining for whom it was for. It was a heart-wrenching little scene. It makes you remember Hector doing the same thing in the earlier part of the movie... the wooden toy he carved by himself was his "pasalubong" to his baby. Aww. My heart hurt a bit when I saw that warrior dude scene.
I liked the way Brad's character Achilles did those almost-flying fight scenes. So smooth and Matrix-ish. Like, he just glides in mid-air and then *tsuk* somebody's dead in a blink of an eye. Kewlness.
The war scenes were reminiscent of Lord of the Rings. It's like watching the LOTR battles all over again sans the scary-looking beast army of Saruman. Oh plus that dude who was in LOTR1.... the one who died in Aragorn's arms, whatshisname...Boromir! Sean Bean! Anyway, he played Odysseus here so I was like "Hmmm, I know you! You died in LOTR!" hehe.
Hmm. Too much LOTR swirling in my mind--along with Brad's bronze butt.
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/23/2004 10:59:00 PM
'Posted this on my Friendster Bulletin Board. Anyway, 'posting it here too...
*must watch the LP gig... cannot miss the LP gig..."
Heya peeps! Somebody... anybody...
Who's gonna watch the Linkin Park gig on June 15???
I need somebody to go with!!! Pretty please! I've asked 3 of my friends already but they can't come with me coz it's a freakin' weird Tuesday night gig. Awww, but I sooo don't want to miss it!:(
I'd go alone but then I'm scared to be caught in the mosh pit alone. (Hello, I'm a tiny gal!) Mosh pit+friends is OK, mosh pit+just me is not!
Gaaah. It will totally, majorly, uber-suck if I don't get to see them perform live. It's sooo such a once-in-a-lifetime thing. :(
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/23/2004 10:21:00 PM
I never saw the movie "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" but anyway, I like the phrase so I am using it as my title for this entry.
I sooo friggin' want to get my groove back. I swear. I am officially quitting on the dude issue. I quit, I give up, there is nothing good for anybody else. Yup. Resolution #1: Never communicate with him ever again. I will not send stupid forwarded texts when he texts me those kind of things. I will only reply when I am asked a valid question that needs a response. Period. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I don't wanna live my life like that. It's too short to waste one's energy on something that is probably really meant to happen.
My fave prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Yebbah. I can do this! If there's a will, there's a way!
Went to visit Abbie at her house last night, together with Charo and Jako. She got herself into this freaky lil accident that had one of her fingers in stitches. I lent her the Felicity DVDs (Tin's pasalubong to me fr China last new year) and brought her my Xmas gift (haha! I wasn't able give it to her last year...).
Jako took this shot (hay, nag camera shake!):
We hung around from around 9:30p.m. til 1-ish a.m. (or was that almost 2am already?). Chika to the max. We were just supposed to drop off the DVDs coz Abbie's hand was painful na daw but anyway, with all the talking and talking and watching Carlos Agassi's Victim, we were there til past midnight.
Their house is still full of cats. Just as it was when it was my foster home (together with Bambi) during my World Youth days (like a week?) back in high school. Aha! Memories, memories! Wasn't it that Maco was seeing Bambi during those times? Ngorks. Weird when I think about it now. Hmmm.
So anyway, while we were chatting, I noticed one of the cats sleeping so cutely on one of the chairs in Abbie's living room.
Hello Kitty, kitty! Aww, it was sooo adorable I couldn't resist aiming my phone's camera on it:
At 10am today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted to tag along with her and dad to the newly-opened SM DASMARINAS. Wala lang. Just to make usisa.
Pleasant surprise! We were about to eat lunch at the foodcourt when I heard "Nasaan". I placed my food tray on our table and didn't start eating muna. I went "Huwaaaait. Live ba yun?" and left my mom for awhile to check it out. And whatdyaknow, Nyoy Volante with Mannos were actually playing at the mall's entertainment area. I was standing at the edge of the audience area no more than 15 secs when this dude suddenly asks me what the model of my cellphone was. I flashed him my best "WTF?!You freakoid!" look and I just shook my head. Weird! That freaked me out! I was not even holding my phone. It was inside my bag. And then he asks again if I meant I didn't have a cellphone. I flashed him a more evil version of my "WTF?!" look and kinda moved away. I mean, what the freakin' hell was that?! I suddenly felt scared that he might do something that my evil stare can't handle so I left and went back to our table in the foodcourt. I didn't tell my mom or dad coz they might freak out. So anyway, I ate my lunch to the background music of NVWM performing their version of This Love (Maroon5) which was so nice. I like it! Nyoy also sang a John Mayer song and a Beatles song.
Aww. I wanna watch a NVWM gig! I haven't seen them live for the longest time now. The last one was the Perfect Match gig last year at Meralco theatre. Hay, that was so long ago! Abbie, Charo and I watched that gig together. Hay. 'Must watch a Nyoy gig soon...
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/23/2004 09:13:00 PM
Friday, May 21, 2004
It hasn't occured to me that I was bitter until a friend jokingly told me "Biether Ocampo ka pala." I was like, duh? It took awhile before I got the punchline. So this is the name for what I have been feeling lately. Bitterness. Ahh, that's shameful of me, I know. But I am only human.
I told him that it's coz he didn't know what happened last week which had greatly affected what I have been feeling lately.
I have been harboring a lot of resentment for this person I supposedly forgave already last year. I can't avoid it. I still remember him and what happened... even more than ever lately. And dammit, I still have feelings for him. **refer to the stupid thing I did in my "The Missing Silence" post**
I just realized that I will NEVER EVER get him to say to me the reason why he left. I can't friggin' shake it out of him EVER. His friend said that it might be because he was not yet ready to tell me. I think that's f****ng bullcrap. (I'm sorry I am in a sad, bitchy mood now so you'll probably read a lot of cursing here...) It's been a year now, doesn't he have the friggin' balls to say it to my face or at least in a letter or in a stupid f***ed up text message? Shetters. Why did I fall for someone who's not man enough? Crap. Okay, fine. He did not have a dad coz his parents are separated. He did not have a father-figure to look up to. I can psycho-analyze his behavior to pieces with that one fact alone. "That sez a lot.", my officemate told me when I confided in her. But I did not want to stereotype him. I wanted to believe that he was a good person who is really trying as best as he could. I have put my faith in his goodness but judging from what's happened this week, I am probably wrong to believe that he will pull himself out of this mess like a real man. He has let me down and I am starting to lose faith in him. That's why I write like this now.
I thought I was gonna yank out the truth from him with my dramatic texts. But no. Deadma to death talaga siya. Like it never happened. All he said was that he fell asleep already that's why he didn't reply. I even feigned an apology saying that I was sorry if I said anything that offended him and that I should have just shut up. I was hoping that he was gonna finally explain himself. But no. For the life of me, I could not get him to say his reasons.
We have been exchanging stupid forwarded texts since Mother's Day. But hell, I cannot live like this forever. It's such a facade. I have tried to finally be honest about what I actually felt last Saturday... but on his end--NOTHING. Yes, he said that he missed me too but that was it. No dramatic declaration of feelings. No I-miss-u-and-I-want-you-back-coz-I-realized-I-still-love-you crap.
"He's just not that into you", I hear Jack Berger's voice echoing in my head.
Eventhough it is virtually moot for him to tell his reasons for leaving after a year has passed, I would still want to hear it straight from him. Even for f****ng closure's sake. It's not even about getting back together with him anymore. Yes, I am hoping, but I am not asking for it. If for anything, it's for my peace of mind. It has been so so so damn hard for me to let go and move on. It has been an on-and-off emotional torture for me. *nowadays, it's obviously f****ng "on"*. And I am tired, God. So tired. I just want to get on with my life again.
I read from somewhere: "Light up your own life. Take care of yourself. Hold your happiness in your own hands." This inspires me to get out of this sh*thole I'm in.
And so, what beats the blues? I am trying real hard to put my chin up for this crap. My stiff upper lip is quivering but I am really trying hard.
Haha. Look at my WinAmp playlist right now:
:: BURN by Usher ::
"Tell me why I should stay in this relationship when I'm hurtin' baby. I ain't happy baby... Deep down you know it's best for you... But you know that it's over, you know that it's through... I'm twisted coz one side of me is tellin me that I need to move on. On the other side I wanna break down and cry."
:: ALL I HAVE by J Lo ::
"It's such a shame, but I'm leavin'. Can't take the way you mistreated me. And it's crazy, but oh, baby, It don't matter, whatever, don't phase me... All my pride is all I have. You'll be needin' me but too bad. The path you chose to run alone. Here with me you had a home... 'Cause I'm good holdin' my spot. And I'm good reppin' the girls on the block. And I'm good, I got this thing on lock. So without me you'll be fine, right... Ain't nothin' you can say to me that can change my mind. I gotta let you go now. And nothin' will ever be the same, so just be on your way, go 'head and do your thing now. And there's no more to explain to me, you know. I know your game and I'm feelin' what you do. So I'm bouncin' and I'm out, son. I gotta leave you alone."
:: UNFOOLISH by Ashanti ::
"I think I found my strength to finally get up and leave. No more broken hearts for me. No more tellin' your lies to me. I'm lookin' like I got my head on right so now I see. No more givin' you everythin'. There's no more takin' my love from me. See my days are cold without you. Though I'm hurtin while I'm with you. And though my heart can't take no more, I can't keep keep runnin back to you... I'm proud to say that I will never make the same mistake. No more thinkin' 'bout what you do. There's no more me runnin' back to you... You must be use to me cryin', cryin' while you're out bumpin' and grindin'.But I'm leavin' you tonight."
:: OVER by Ashanti ::
"Can't believe that it's over, baby. For every bruise on my heart, you gave me. See we tried, but we'd fight then we cried so it's over, babe, it's over babe... When I met you I knew you would be the one for me. 'Coz looking at you had me feelin' kinda crazy. And what you asked, I almost did it automatically. But it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me. Although I know that what we had it wasn't perfect, babe... I thought by stayin', try to change you would be worth it, babe. But now I see that tryin' to change you only changed me. All these tears, and all of your lies. All these years, and now we're sayin' "goodbye". It's over babe. Now I'm thinkin' that I never should have dealt with you... See ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this sh*t from you. I'll never play another day of being your fool. I wasted all my time on somethin' that just wasn't true. I should have known that I could never ever change you... I'll never forget what you did to me. So I'm gone, I'm leavin', leavin', baby. Whenever you see me, don't even speak. I'll never forget what you did to me."
:: I WON'T CRY by Profyle ::
" I know I can't keep lying to myself. I said to be content with someone else. I know I never had to face the pain... I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears. I wont die no more, I got over my fears. And I'm moving on, I know what to do. Coz I'm better off without you and we both know that it's true... It's gonna take a little time, to stick in my mind the fact you're gone for good. Coz when you said you're leavin' me, I heard it before, I never really thought you would. Baby I should be glad that you're gone away. I know the pain would not be here to stay. If I could only fool myself, maybe baby... That I won't cry, I'm movin' on. I know it's hard enough to fall in and out of love but when something is gone, keep holding on will only break you're heart. So I won't play the fool by begging you to stay. I wanna keep it inside, til you're out of sight maybe that way I won't cry no more..."
:: EX-FACTOR by Lauryn Hill ::
"Loving you is like a battle and we both end up in scars."
:: LOSING GRIP by Avril Lavigne ::
"Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby? Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real... Why'd you turn away?... I was left to cry there, waiting outside there, burning with a lost stare. That's when I decided why should I care coz you weren't there when I was scared. I was so alone."
:: TOMORROW by Avril Lavigne ::
"And I wanna believe you When you tell me that it'll be ok. Yeah I try to believe you, but I don't. I don't know how I'll feel,tomorrow, tomorrow. I don't know what to say, tomorrow, tomorrow is a different day."
:: WHY by Avril Lavigne ::
"Why do you always do this to me? Why couldn't you just see through me? How come you act like this, like you just don't care at all?... So go and think about whatever you need to think about. Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about. And come back to me when you know just how you feel."
Nobody's Supposed to Be Here by Deborah Cox
I Think God Can Explain by Splender
King of Pain version by Alanis Morissette
Do You Suppose I'd Come Runnin' by John Mayer
Power of Goodbye by Madonna
Love Don't Live Here Anymore by Madonna
Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake
I Try by Macy Gray
Truthfully by Lisa Loeb
It's Harder Now That It's Over by Ryan Adams
Man, I'm such a sucker for drama!:P
A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know, what I've done wrong
And how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face,
Or even on the phone,
You can write it in a letter,
Either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions, I have to find
My head's spinnin'
Boy I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate...
...Find peace of mind, the happy mind
I once owned.
... Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I aint done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
Cos' I heard that this feelin wont last that long
Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feelin yeah, you got me feelin really bad
Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feelin' yeah, it just dont feel right
I'll keep searchin' deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, gotta feel at ease
Need to be
Free from pain, going insane
My heart aches.
~ Never Ever, All Saints
I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. ~ Under the Bridge, All Saints/Red Hot Chili Peppers
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/21/2004 08:52:00 PM
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Went to my dermatologist after work today. Twas my 3rd visit to this new derma of mine which was recommended to me by my officemate, Bianx. I used to go to this female derma wherein I got constant zit injections for my uber-stubborn zits. There seemed to be no improvement so Bianx suggested that I try her derma. Funny thing is, my old and new derma's clinics are actually in the same building *teehee*.
'Started to see this new derma since March and I've got to say that this one's pretty darn good! During my first visit he gave me a free diamond peel, ya know, just to try it out and see its effect. He was not an advocate of zit injection. Instead, he gave me this whole slew of stuff that I have to put on my face. He cleanly mapped out my morning and bedtime regimen in this chart thing that I have posted on my mirror. Pretty much costed quite a sum of moolah since I had to buy all these medicines in one go. Oh but it seems to work so I think it's worth it :) I don't have those annoyingly huge "repressed" zits that I used to have injected by my old derma like every other week.
So both of us were happy about my skin's improvement as we saw each other on this 3rd visit of mine. The stuff he gave me seem to work well so we stuck by it. And I am starting to love this diamond peel thing coz it really makes a diff! It is damn expensive but oh well, it is sooo worth it!
I wuv wuv my derma!:) I highly suspect he is gay but it's all good coz it's so fun coz he's so kikay with my skin talaga. Like any other gay, he's quite tarush when he talks sometimes but I like him :) He chats me up while he's diamond peeling me and also while he pricks my tiny zits as I shed uncontrollable tears (coz shetters, pricking hurts talaga esp. if it's done on the nose/lips area. Gaaah. No pain, no gain!). The typical scene is him talking and talking while delicately wiping my tears with tissue and me replying in between painful pricks. And then he mutters "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" when he notices that I am shedding much tears already. Haha.
Aww and he's so bait kanina:)He was making kwento about this yummy affordable gelatos he "discovered" in the Don Bosco cafeteria (Amici) which was actually near where my office was. He's got a whole package stashed in his clinic and he gave me two scoops as a treat daw... like a lollipop for adults, he said :) Aww, sweet! He was just gushing about how good the gelatos were so he had me taste the chocolate with pistachio nuts (since I told him I liked ice cream with nuts) after my treatment, while we sat in his clinic to wrap up my visit. I didn't understand his skin regimen instructions anymore. I just nodded and nodded for I was distracted by how yummy the gelato was. There were nuts in every spoonful! Wowee! 'Luved it really! Funny, he said that I must not tell anyone coz he doesn't give gelato to all his patients ;)
So there. Yummy gelato in the name of vanity ;)
That pretty much cheered me up! Yebbah. I will see him again in a month's time. I do hope he's got gelatos stashed in his clinic again! ;)
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/19/2004 10:54:00 PM
Sunday, May 16, 2004
I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.
And now you want to ask me "how"?
It's like how does your heart beat and why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat and why do you breathe?
Why did you come here?
You weren't invited.
You were on the outside
Stay on the outside.
And now you want to ask me "why"?
It's like why does your heart beat and how do you cry?
How does your heart beat?
And there are some things that I'd like to figure out.
There are some things that I can do without -
Like you, and your letters that go on forever,
And you, and the people that were never friends.
With all the things that you could be,
You never could learn how to be me.
And now you want to ask me "how"?
It's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
'Changed the background music to this. 'Have gotten a bit sick of John Mayer for now.
I'm in the mood for Lisa Loeb's cutesy voice.
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/16/2004 11:26:00 PM
It's gonna burn for me to say this
It's comin from my heart
It's been a long time comin
But we done been fell apart
I really wanna work this out
But I don't think ya gonna change...
...Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby...
...Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn...
Deep down you know it's best for you except but you
Hate the thought of (him) being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know that it's through
Let it burn, Let it burn...
... I got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same...
... Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long...
... I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry...
So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return...
~ Burn, Usher
Hey. Hi! Are you still awake?
Yes po. Why are you still awake?
Uhh. La lang I just remembered you.
'You drinking ba? Don't drink ha.
Yup. Did na. Wala. I just miss you eh.
Hey I miss you na eh. Sana nasa house ka na and safe.
Please don't drink too much. What time are you coming home?
You know what, I've been missin' u everyday. I just wish things were not the way it is now. It's just sad how we had to end that way.
How come you're saying that now and not before?
Coz I respected your decision to go. And I was waiting for you to tell me your reasons but you never did. So I suffered in silence. I did not want to disturb you.
Do sangrias and baileys get one drunk?
"He's just not that into you" ~ Berger
See, I dont know why I liked you so much
I gave you all of my trust
I told you, I loved you, now that's all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know how I feel...
You questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone, I even said
You were my great one
Now it's over, but I do admit I'm sad.
It hurts real bad...
F*** what I said it don't mean sh*t now
F*** the presents might as well throw em out
F*** all those kisses they didn't mean jack...
~ F*** It (I Don't Want You Back) (a.k.a. The Effin' Song at Monster Radio RX 93.1) by Eamon
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/16/2004 09:08:00 PM
Twas like a WOW Philippines thingie. Bianx, Vic and I spent the weekend at Alabang... Saturday til Sunday. The purpose was to show Vic around this side of Manila. She's from Mandaluyong and she was so curious about Vivere so Bianx proposed the idea of spending the weekend in Alabang and showing Vic around...
Destination 1: Festival Mall
Before checking in, we ate lunch at Festival Mall and then went shoe-shopping and pearls-shopping. Majorly damaged my credit card from buying two slip-ons. Bought pink pearls with silver charms: unicorn (aww, I've been fascinated with how elegant the unicorn looks like so the moment I saw the unicorn charm I said I HAD to buy that charm bracelet). The other charms: a butterfly (another favorite girly thing!), a heart and a round intricate silverwork thingie.
Destination 2: The Bellevue Manila
Bianx's bro works here so we got quite a nice deal on the room. We had our overnight stay here. We were supposed to swim in their infinity pool but there were lotsa peeps. We decided to crash into Bianx's tita's house which had a pool.
Destination 3: Ayala Alabang
Bianx's tita's house was in nearby Ayala Alabang. We had the pool for ourselves! Yebbah. We took pictures by the pool. Twas in Vic's digicam... will probably get it on my email tomorrow... will post 'em when I have 'em.
Destination 4: The Palms Country Club
This was in some remote location but still within the Madrigal Business Park area. Had dinner there. Forgot the name of the resto... Asiana or something?
Destination 5: Four Corners, Festival Mall
This bar is owned by Bianx's cousin. Had the first round of complimentary popcorn and then another plate of popcorn together with a pitcher of sangria. Talked about our respective lovelife here. The theory that you only have that ONE GREAT LOVE in a lifetime. Gaaah. I think I know who mine is.
Destination 6: Vivere Suites rooftop
Capped off the night here with some more drinks and talk and celfone cam snapshots... I had Baileys with cherry.
This was the view from where I sat. That's Bellevue on the right...
Haha. When you look at the other side of Vivere's rooftop, you'll see the unglamorous, uninspiring building of... tadaaaa: Liana's Supermarket! Wahaha.
Me and my Vivere rooftop view...
We went back to our room at Bellevue around 1am. Here we are... more like sleepy than drunk... Yes, we took pictures right outside our room's door.
In our room, we all plopped onto the big bed. Twas Bianx who took my pa-cute pictures...
Destination 7: Conti's, BF Homes, Paranaque
We ate brunch here. The place was packed by 12 noon. Their Mango Bravo dessert was ooh-la-la good!
Destination 8: Alabang Town Center
Went window shopping for shoes, two-piece swimsuits, lingerie, bags, make-up brush at Rustans. Went make-up shopping at Beauty Bar. Well, I'm not a big fan of make-up so I was pretty much sleepy hanging around there while the two make-up gurus looked into Bloom and stuff ;)
Got home around 4pm Sunday.
So there. It was the most out-of-the-ordinary weekend I ever had. And to think my house is just 30 minutes away from Alabang. Oh but we missed going pirated-DVD shopping at Metropolis. Haha!
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/16/2004 08:29:00 PM
Friday, May 14, 2004
I only heard this Five For Fighting song twice so far... Heard it on Chico & Delamar's Morning Rush. I fell in love with the song the first time I heard it. Can relate... Hmm.
I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again
I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again
The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive
Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again
Ahh. *#@% this sucks. I am hating how I've been feeling these past few days.... Shetters. 'Been texting harmless forwarded stuff to each other every morning. (Had to make "limos" stupid harmless text messages from Abbie. Hahaha. Pathetic.) Man, can I just stop with the facade and say it right there, out loud, that I miss him terribly that it's killing me? 'Wish it was THAT easy. Oh fudge.
::WORK BIT:: subtitled: "To Hell and Back!", haha! Yebbah. I am done doing the layout of the "flyer from hell"!!! After working from Tuesday til Thursday on the layout of the Kodak EasyShare/Columbia Superstore customized flyer on PageMaker, I finally sent it out for colorsep this afternoon and then printing for 10,000 freakin' copies for nationwide distribution. Shetters. Ilang branches yun nationwide? Hayyy grabeh, naloka ko in making all those branch addresses and phone numbers fit the damn flyer. It became a back-to-back layout tuloy instead of just a one-pager.
Simultaneous with that, I was working on the "Olympics shirts from hell". Had to bounce back email from the UK supplier to our Importations Dept. to Kodak Europe to Exel (broker for air freight stuff) to FTM (broker for sea freight stuff). Gaaah. Air freight or sea freight? DDU or C&F? Anoooo baaa talagaaaaa? And it's so hard to speed up the feedback mechanism because of the time difference between the Phils. and the UK. Finally, after 10 years, we settled on sea freight. I better get to have one of those damn Olympics shirts after all this freakin' email correspondences I had to bounce here and there like a freakin' ping pong game.
Ahh well, at last everything was done today.
Hmm. Maybe I had a realllly bad work day today so that tomorrow, me & my officemates' Alabang escapade will be so much happier and well-appreciated. Our plan: lunch at Festival Mall, check-in at Bellvue (spellcheck!) and then swim there, dinner at this Palms club thingie, drink at Four Corners (haven't ever heard of this but this is in Festival daw.) and then cap-off everything at Vivere Suites rooftop. Check-out Sunday pm from Bellvue. Why? Wala lang. Bianx and I (we're both "Southern gals, she's fr. Alabang, I'm from Laguna) just wanna show Vic (from Mandaluyong) around the South side. She hasn't ever been on a gimmick in Alabang so we're giving her a taste of it tomorrow. Oh plus we're a bunch of loveless, beautiful albeit slightly depressed (well, umm, my case is NOWHERE NEAR the word "slight"!) gals who have no boylet to spend our weekends with. We need to "aliw" ourselves!
I'm excited! It's gonna be such a different weekend for me :)
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/14/2004 09:32:00 PM
Aww, look at that... I'm a friggin' Love-A-Lot Care Bear. I dunno about the matchmaker thing though. I never matched any of my friends ever. Naaaks, I'm sweet daw?! *bats eyelashes like crazy* Awww.
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/14/2004 09:21:00 PM
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
'Got this from Tin's email last month. Thanks Tin for this one! This is such a good read. I like what was said during the last part... :)
IS LOVE EVER WASTED?
© 2004 - Bob Perks
"I am just wasting my love on him!" she said in frustration.
"I don't believe that's possible," I replied.
"Well, it's never returned to me. I mean I have tried and tried to get him to love me, but I have failed," she said.
"Just because you love someone doesn't mean they have to love you back," I said.
"But isn't that what love is all about?"
"Sure, a love between two people 'in love.' But you are expecting someone to love you simply because you love them."
"I was hoping he'd learn to love me. You know, once he felt my love, he'd learn to love me in return."
"Learning" to love someone or something sounds like a punishment or a settlement. Like learning to love the life you have rather than learning how to change it. Or learning to accept the lesser of two situations because you feel there is no other choice.
Love is like a chemistry of the senses. It's a mixture of sight, sound, smell and touch that stimulates within us an uncontrollable reaction. For some it's immediate, like accidentally igniting fireworks. Once sparked, it's impossible to stop.
In other cases, it's like being bitten by a bug. You feel its bite, but ignore it. Then one day it flares up until you can no longer pretend it doesn't exist.
"That's how it was with him!" she said. "I knew I loved him from the beginning. There were fireworks," she said smiling.
"But, here's the chemistry part. For true love to exist, for that "meant to be" kind of love, the kind of love you want from him, all the elements must exist. Simply put, it takes two loves to make it work. Like jump starting a car, you need both the positive and negative cables attached. You are positive, he is negative." I said.
"Then I did waste my love," she said.
"No, my friend, you cannot waste love. Love is a teacher, too. Love is the lesson and life is the classroom. Yes, you love him that much, but you have learned he does not love you that way in return. Both of you will learn from this."
"Here is the good news. Your love for him is so intense, but one day when you find the right person, the feeling will be even greater. It will be even more awesome than now."
"Still, you have given him a gift, too. It is his lesson of love. Yours did not fulfill him. Like a fresh rain, it washed over him and made him more than he was before meeting you, but it did not soak into his soul," I told her.
"But I loved him with my heart!" she said tearfully.
"For people of faith, love is measured in the soul. That's the place where love begins. God's love is the standard by which all love is measured. God's love is limitless. God's love is pure. God's love is forgiving and for all things," I said.
Then, placing my hand on her shoulder I said, "That's why people say, "I have found my soul mate."
"But what about someone who has loved that intensely more than once in their life? Is one love secondary to the other? Is one less than the other?" she asked.
"Not necessarily. True love is so big, so boundless that it encompasses all. But each one is different. True love, God's love, in its purest form, is all equally important. Like the love for a child, the love for your neighbor, the love for your country, brother, mother and stranger, love is the one element that cannot be diluted, or made less."
"In the story, The Cross and the Switchblade, by David Wilkerson, he is facing a man who is threatening him with a knife. He tells him something like, 'You can cut me up in a thousand pieces and every one of those pieces will still love you.' That's pure love!" I said.
She then looked at me and said, "But this hurts so bad."
"Love never hurts. The lesson learned hurts. The disappointment hurts. But ask God to heal the hurt until you feel the love you long for."
No, love is never wasted.
God is Love.
Carrie: I can't help but wonder, do we just look for lessons (from bad experiences) to lessen the pain?
::BACKGROUND MUSIC:: The Scientist (acoustic version) by Coldplay
"Nobody said it was easy. Oh it's such a shame for us to part."
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/12/2004 01:47:00 AM
Hmm. Something is definitely wrong.
1. I have not logged on to the 'fellas forum since Friday/Saturday which is extremely unusual, I tell you. I don't know why. But I miss the guys. I miss the AKAkadas. I miss the hugs, the gigs... but I do not have the compulsion to check the board. Very, very strange of me.
*side note: uhh, teena/sybs/mika/lucy/tere (and whoever forum member who's readin' this...) do give me a holler if something extremely exciting happens over there... like if: Pau has finally posted again after 10 years of not posting, Reubs has a new killer picture there, Robi has gone gay for real, Red has a newly-revealed dance move, Myke has finally learned how to do the chimes, Ikey is NOT smiling anymore, Karl is now singing Mr. Suave and Roger is doing all the melismatic singing now.
Now that was an extremely long side note. Harhar. Anyway, I will log in one of these days ;)
2. I am suddenly inspired to read again. I have gone book-shopping last week. I just bought Tuesdays With Morrie and By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept. My officemate lent me In the Meantime. I am still on Day 15 of Purpose-Driven Life (I got the book as a Christmas present. Pathetic. I have not budged a page for the longest time...)
To read books would mean I have to cut down on my mouse-potato time which I am trying *very* hard to do. I swear.
3. I am planning to do a major clean-up of my room:
= gotta discard and donate some old clothes that have been sitting on my closet for the longest time
= gotta fix that humongous pile of books/magazines/printouts and other random stuff on my study table which has virtually disappeared from my sight due to the above-mentioned pile.
= gotta discard old shoes and donate 'em if they're still decent enough
I have asthma. I am allergic to dust (and dust mites). I abhor cleaning up. My room may seem messy to the unacquainted eye but I know where to find all my stuff amongst the pile.
4. I am having insomnia again. That can't be good.
5. I am devastated by how SATC turned out (and it's not even real life for pete's sake!). I am just so crushed about the Jack Berger-Carrie Bradshaw break-up. I am still so sad about it. And to find out that Carrie does not end up with neither Jack Berger nor Aidan Shaw (whom I just luuuved so much in the past seasons), not even Mr. Big is so heartbreaking. And shetters, Aidan even has a friggin baby in tow! Gaaah.
6. I just saw the new Robbie Rosa vid over at MTV the other day. And hmm, it's not too bad. I find it nice, even. *ewwww* I actually think Robbie Rosa's song is nice. How yucky is that?! Yeeech.
7. I am sooo hyper-posting emotional stuff here. Which just goes to show how my state of mind and heart is. I am a freakin' open book. Gaaah. Oh well, we are all adults here anyway. This is how life is for me. For those wo don't know me that well: Are you freaked out already? ;)
Oh, and this also reinforces symptom number 4.
8. I am back in the bluesy sh*thole I was in eleven blog-months ago. Shetters. This is soooo not good for me, I KNOW. But I can't help it! I am a freakin' Drama Queen.
Charlotte: I still believe that everything happens for a reason
(she was talking about everything as in: Carrie's break-up with Berger, her divorce with Trey, etc.)
Miranda: Oh that IS B*LLSH*T!
*Haha. Goooo pessimistic grumpy Miranda!* :P
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/12/2004 12:25:00 AM
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
I owe this to you Abbie-gurl! *mwah*
Remember this? ;)
real_abbie (12:42:24 AM): Aileen, I nominated your blog, got it?
aileen_meyj (12:43:55 AM): nominated me? wheeeere?
real_abbie (12:45:14 AM): http://www.philippineblogawards.com/index.php
real_abbie (12:45:23 AM): You did not receive the nominations?
real_abbie (12:45:25 AM): DANG!
aileen_meyj (1:08:41 AM): hmm abbie i checked my mail now wlang bloggie thing. heheh, i nominated myself. how vain is that?
real_abbie (1:08:49 AM): Haha! Ok lang.
real_abbie (1:08:58 AM): But I did nominate you!
aileen_meyj (1:09:15 AM): yes dear thankies
Abbie! Hey I nominated your unreal blog ha. (I can't believe I didn't think of doing it earlier! Man, I am such a bad friend, aren't I?!?!) Yebbah! After all, we both have kick-ass blogs dba? *wink, wink* Oh yeah, we kick ass gurrrl! Man, we're such blog-geeks! *teehee* :)
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/11/2004 11:40:00 PM
Whoa. I just logged on to my Blogger today and I was welcomed with a new look! I must say, it is freakin' better than the old one. Larger fonts and more user-friendly navigation throughout the pages...
Yebbah. Somebody from Blogger finally had the divine idea of putting a "Comments" feature in here! It's absofreakinlutely about time!
Hmm. And there's a "Profiles" page. Hmmm. Interesting... Can be a potential boredom killer for the PC geekoid.
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/11/2004 11:25:00 PM
He sent me an SMS early this morning. One of those God-themed forwarded messages with a "good morning" at the end of the quote. I searched my inbox for something to forward to him too. Can I just say that I miss him sooo bad that it's killing me in every breath that I take? Umm, NO, right? That will freak him out. I have freaked him out enough last year. I do not want him to walk out the door again now that there is a semblance of decent communication between us. So I sent him another God-themed quote thingie.
Ahhh. Fudge. This sucks.
"Please give me what I ask, Dear Lord, if You are glad about it; But if You think it's not for me, please help me do without it."
Hay. I just watched half of Sex & The City Season 6 yesterday. (It's a 6-disc set... I'm almost done with Disc 3.) I just realized that HE is JACK BERGER (the character played by Ron Livingston). He is sooo like Jack Berger. Will discuss this Jack Berger parallelism when I have more time to blog.
But can I just say, I cried so hard watching those Jack Berger-Carrie Bradshaw episodes. Ahhh, it just broke my heart to pieces :'( I can sorta relate to what happened to them. Hayyy. Sadness! I liked that Jack Berger character pa naman. Oooh, and Aidan Shaw! Huhuhu, another sad revelation...
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/11/2004 09:11:00 AM
Monday, May 10, 2004
Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
So I'm back to square one then. This is precisely the reason why I blog. I need to vent it all out. Good, bad. Sad, mad.
I am missing him again. Gaah. I think it's coz the memory of those Saturday night movies last year crept back when I was out late again on a Saturday night yesterday. And it didn't help that we (Forces gals) were at the Town Center where we (him and me and Jako/Abbie/Charo) used hang out in for last full shows. It didn't help that we were at Starbucks Petron where we used to have 2AM coffee talks or alternatively, french fries galore at McDo Petron... sharing those goddamn tomato ketchups.
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we're not
It's almost been a year and I still can't understand why what happened HAD TO happen to me, to us. I almost thought that... Oh Well. 'Turns out we're NOT. Up to now, I still think it was such a shame, such a waste that we never worked out.
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Grrr. I really tried but it turns out I have not let go of him completely. I don't wanna give myself bullcrap. I am honest enough to say that yes, I am not yet over the whole too-good-to-be-true love affair gone sour. I have tried so many forms of diversions (Abbie-dear I know you can count 'em all!;) ). I have led myself to believe that one is better than the other. But then I realized it was not. I tried to just be a plain beeeotch against the seemingly mythical promise of finding THE ONE. I tried to be void of emotions. I tried to re-focus my energies to other objects of affections. Oh but dammit, I keep finding myself still loving him. Gaah. I'm a stupid masochist of love. I love inspite of and despite of. Stupid, stupid, stupid. @#%*!!!
I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
~ I Try, Macy Gray
I couldn't resist the need to communicate to him so with the lousy excuse of greeting his mom a happy mother's day, I texted him. Shetters diba. I shouldn't have done that. Baaaad for me.
A: happy mother's day to your mom!*smiley*
M: Thanks. Who's this?
***WTF?!? Shetters. Triple sh*t. Fudge. Sooooo I am not on his freakin' phone book anymore? He deleted me?!? Major f*ck.***
I contemplated whether to ignore his message and cry myself to sleep (well, NOT really. 'Just for dramatic effect...) or to reply to him. I opted to reply.
A: Uhh, nevermind.
*** Silence. After about a minute my fone rings. It's him calling me. To the tune of Wish You Were Here. Shetters, why did I even set his ring tone to that song... it makes me even sadder! Hmp, hmp. I did not answer my fone. And so then he texts...***
M: Aileen, sorry. Kumusta na? I'm using kasi the fone ng office kya wala yung contacts ko na naka-save.
***Bwiseeeet. He and his gazillion celfones! Kasi naman, kasi naman! Tsk, tsk.***
A: Oh ok. Well anyway, happy mother's day to your mom...
M: Same here po. So 'musta na? How's work?
A: Uhh, k naman. Still with kodak *smiley* You, how are you na?
M: Eto smart pa din. You guys go out pa with Jako?
A: Was supposed to last week but last minute na-cancel coz dumating tita nya ata.
M: Ah ok. Welcome pa ba ko if I join you guys sometime?
A: Yeah sure why not
*** I did not know whether to put a smiley or a period or an exclamation point or a question mark. Hence, the emotionless text.***
M: Thanks ha.
*** Still emotionless... I did not know WTF I was supposed to feel then...***
M: K. Take care.
A: Thanks, you too.
M: Thanks po.
I decided to stop it there coz if I said welcome again we'd just do it all over again. Running around in circles... And I did not want the thought of me saying welcome and then it's him who stops texting. Yeah. Babaw ko noh. Hurray ang kaartehan.
So there. Sh*t. I f****ng miss him terribly. It rained this afternoon. And when it rains, I stupidly turn into a sentimental fool.
Oh well. I said I tried, but the stupid disobedient heart goes thump, thump despite the crap it's been through.
Man, I need to go to an Akafellas gig again to stop this foolish nonsense...
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/10/2004 12:21:00 AM
Sunday, May 09, 2004
I've been meaning to change my blog template. It's already a year old. It was on my To Do list. 'Came next to finishing my revamped website.
Ok, shameless plug: Check out Version 2 of MY WEBSITE!!! Hmm. I've uploaded new pictures, removed old ones, changed lay-out from frames to tables, removed java applets and replaced it with shockwave flash thingies, put audios -- background sound on the homepage and the Felicity page and mouse-overs on the buttons *man, I luvvv mouse-over sounds!* I'm a music junkie so I put as much music as I can on my works. Which brings us to...
Tada!!! It turns out mp3 is compatible for the blog background sound! Mitzi, I didn't have to convert to asf! I couldn't friggin' find a software that could convert from mp3 to asf so I tested if mp3 works, and boy, it does! To solve the "after-10-yrs-before-it-completely-downloads" issue, I just converted the mp3 to a MUCH MUCH lower bitrate: from the usual 128 kbps down to 16 kbps. That explains the somewhat garbled sound. Oh but anyway, the desired effect was achieved. Sound on bloggie... check!
I suppose you peeps should just uhmm, turn up your PC's volume a bit to hear the John Mayer song properly.
I dunno if it was John Mayer who wrote "This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday". If he did, then he's a genius.
I guess it's an old song. I can't even find it on his discography. Hmmm. I DL'd it from Kazaa ages ago... like a year ago when I was randomly downloading every John Mayer song I could find. It was a surprisingly great jewel of a song that I discovered. (gaah, was my grammar correct? that was pretty confusing... anyway...)
And I had a self-proclaimed brilliant idea of making my sidebar headings out of songs' lyrics... Ok just to explain (for the pop music ignoramus)...
* the "About Me" header is from No Doubt's Underneath It All
* the "Archives" header, from Coldplay's poignant The Scientist
* the "TagBoard" header, from Dave Matthews Band's Crash Into Me
* the "Favorites" header, Sheryl Crow's My Favorite Mistake
* the "Blog Links" header, D' Sound's People are People
So there. Did that make sense?
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/09/2004 11:38:00 PM
Since Tin (the Sex Goddess from Beijing, with love *haha*) was here for a vacation, we gals went out yesterday. The plan was that we were to eat dinner in Makati and then go dancing in Temple or in Vodka Ice.
5:00PM - Twas friggin' raining hard. I texted Tin: "WTF?! It's raining! Argh. It's the Forces of Nature curse!"
Shetters. It somehow almost never fails. Something always happens when we plan a gimmick. It rains hard (like yesterday), somebody gets sick, the LRT gets bombed... stuff like that happens. Ahh yes, that's why we call ourselves the Forces of Nature gals-- after the Ben Affleck/Sandra Bullock movie.
So anyway, at 5:30PM Tin and I drove to Makati to meet up with Charo and Jamie (whom we haven't seen for the longest time!). Abbie was still in Tagaytay with her family while She was still in school. They were supposed to come to Makati and follow us at Cena for dinner. Well, the four of us ended up devouring all the food ourselves.
Tin (the Sex Goddess) & Jamie (Kate Moss na Kate Moss na ang dating, kulang na lang sa height!), me (sige na nga, Groupie Queen, sabi mo eh, Abbie!:P) & (The Virgin) Charo.
'Turned out that She was stranded in Binan because of the rain and Abbie (the "12 yrs old" 25 yrs old gal *teehee*) was not allowed by her strict parents to go to Makati anymore. *Abbie, STRIKE TWO!* hehehe. So we decided to go to Alabang and meet up with She and Abbie there.
It was 12ish midnight already when the two beauties got to Starbucks ATC. Aww, we're touched! The gals commuted to get to ATC and meet us. Sorry Abbie, I know it was rude of me to LOL but hey, I could just imagine you and your gigantic pearls and mahhhvelous shawl telling the jeepney driver "Mama, para na on the side." Ahh, the gals were just too pretty to commute but they survived it! Woohoo!
She (The Alleged Druggie) and her sexy top. Abbie (Her Royal Highness) and her gigantic pearls plus pink shawl!
We were supposed to go to Comedy Club in Las Pinas but decided to skip it since it was past midnight already. Instead, we went to the rooftop of Vivere Suites. There's a nice place there where you can dine al fresco, looking up you'll see the stars and looking down you'll see the city lights. Beside us was this inviting swimming pool. Man, it was so nice up there! We had our drinks there. Yum, Charo and I had the Mudslide (a mix of Vodka, Kahlua, Baileys, ice cream and choco syrup).
A picture-happy bunch, we were! We used Abbie's and my fone's camera...
We took snapshots inside the elevator and the ladies room ;)
I couldn't resist taking pictures of the candle lamp thingie that was the centerpiece of our table. Pretty glows of light!
2:30AM - On the way back home, we went to Starbucks Petron. *waaah, memories, memories :(* And yes, we took pictures again!
1) She & Tin *wee, Tin, hindi halata your zits! :) yey! no need to adobe photoshop it!*. 2) Charo ponders the meaning of life. Tin ponders on the ridiculous cost of Starbucks coffee. 3) She and her loop earrings. Abbie and her gigantic pearls. Me and my multi-looped earrings. * waah, mine's not too kita, grr. anyways, I love this shot!*
Woohoo. I got home at 4AM. Imagine that, Tin! I was with you for like more than 10 hours! :P
Oh, oh! 'Must not forget! Blooper quote of the night was: "What comes around, goes around!" Shetters. Kung ganyan ba naman ang sabihin sayo ng umaaway sayo... hay, ewan na lang. Laugh it off Abbie. You should've told her: "Oooh, I'm so scared of your grammatical error, girl. Trembling, even!" Shetters. Mamaya makarma ako nito and masabi ko 'to the next time I use the expression. Yikes.
Mitzi and Ivy, we spent around P1,200 for dinner at Cena. Another thousand more at Vivere for drinks. And about 500 pesosesoses at Starbucks. We'll send the bill over to you, girls! Hahaha! Yan ang share nyo!
Ahh, that was fun! :)
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/09/2004 02:39:00 PM
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Whatever happened to everyone's Tag-board??? It's not just mine that's not working, it's everyone's... Hmm. I checked the tag-board site, and yeah, same error.
What do people do when there's no tag-board to tag on? :(
Hmm. Anywayz, 'lookin forward to the girls' night out tonight... Tin's here!!! And we're gonna go out tonight! Woohoo! :)
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/08/2004 12:14:00 PM
Friday, May 07, 2004
When all the stars were falling,
I reached up like you said.
All the stars were falling, one hit me in the head,
and I fell down, down, down.
I fell down, down.
When all the stars were falling,
they fell from above,
and I thought of hate, and I thought of hate,
and then I thought of love.
and I fell down, down, down,
I fell down, down.
And I've learned how to dance from a Vincent Van Gogh,
and the nights were wrapped in a white sheet,
and now no one even says hello,
'cause I couldn't stand on my two feet
I fell down
I fell down.
Now the peace you will find, in your own you have found,
the lights of the city are the stars on the ground.
"I may not be a quaalude living in a speed zone,"
But I could be restful, I could be someone's home,
if I fell down,
and I fell down, down.
Now all the stars have fallen.
~ When All the Stars Were Falling, Lisa Loeb (Tails)
~*SONGS FROM THE MIRRORBALL...*~
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell.
Hold on to yourself.
You know that only time can tell
what is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing.
Am I in heaven here or
am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing.
~ Hold On, Sarah McLachlan
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
a glowing ember
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
~ Do What You Have to Do, Sarah McLachlan
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me,
After all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see,
I don't have to pretend,
she doesn't expect it from me
So don't tell me I
haven't been good to you,
Don't tell me I
haven't been there for you
Just tell me why
nothing is good enough
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
and threw you to the ground,
Who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone,
You know I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this
So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you,
Don't tell me why
he's never been there for you,
And I'll tell you that why
is simply not good enough,
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough
~ Good Enough, Sarah McLachlan
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/07/2004 12:17:00 AM
Thursday, May 06, 2004
I feel depressed. Sarah McLachlan's Mirrorball CD is choking on my player. Very suicidal music huh. Not helping at all. Oooh but I just luv to torture myself and I luv listening to Sarah's angelic voice whenever I feel blue.
I am dreaming of them one by one. That's when I started being sad. On the night of the 3rd I dreamt of T2. My eyes were affixed on this hallway at home. I remember feeling sad while I stared at nothing. Something intermittently blocking and then revealing that hallway. The next thing I knew, he was standing there. I remember feeling relieved to see him there. And then suddenly we were sitting on the sofa. We were about to kiss but I remember feeling NOT happy about it. The dream stopped there.
The next night I dreamt of ITY. We like, suddenly saw each other again after a long time. We were talking to this chef in a resto. I think we were complaining (separately) about something and then we found ourselves bumping to each other there together with the chef. And then this chef dude tells us that we are so meant for each other, like we were supposed to be together and we were brought there together. Yadda, yadda, yadda. There was something about a necklace (??? ... I vaguely remember...) that I was wearing that lead him to that conclusion. I remember feeling fuzzy and giddy and warm. I can hardly remember the dream, but it was nice seeing him again. I haven't seen him since 2001. Last time we met was when he saw me crossing the street when I was about to get a snack on the building in front of my (then) office. I still remember his text to me: "I was making pipip but you didn't see me." Ever the coñotic CDO dude. Then he dropped by my office and we chatted a bit at the reception. Man, I miss that moment. 'Probably one of the giddiest moment of my life. Everybody at the office found him cute. Haha. And then that was it. The next thing I knew he was in US already. And then he came back home na daw. He's on my Friendster but we never messaged each other. I tried once... 'just greeted him merry chirstmas or sumthin'... but he never replied.
It was then that I missed The One Who Broke My Heart the Baddest. Like last week, Abbie, Charo, Jako and I were supposed to have coffee at ATC. I suddenly remembered our usual Saturday movie nights last year when we used to hang out together. We'd be out so late, catch the last full show and then have coffee at Starbucks Petron or get fries at McDo on the way home. Ahh, those were the happy days. I was genuinely happy back then coz I thought... man, I really thought... tsk, tsk.
I thought that I was gonna dream of him the 3rd night but I did not. But nevertheless, I was pretty much depressed since thoughts of him flooded back in my mind. Ang taray pa ng hirit ko kay Jako last Sat.
J: Do you want me to invite SOMEONE?
A: Whatever. I don't really care.
Eat your words, girl. Eat your words.
Sometimes I am tempted to ask him out of the blue.
Are you happy now? Do you miss me? Do you still love me? Do you love someone else now? Did you really love me? Why did you leave? What happened back then? Why did you think we will not work out? Can you just tell me why you thought we were better off as friends?
How can you say we are better off being friends when we ended up being less than friends now? How can you say it's for the best when it has hurt me so much that I have never fathomed I could feel this much hurt in my entire life?
I don't know if we will ever talk about it. All I know is that it's really damn hard to be free from this. I tried. I really tried. I am trying everyday. At times I succeed at faking happiness. At times I succeed in forgetting him for a moment. At times, I succeed in making myself believe that I have let go. At best, I get artificial bliss. A respite from the heartbreak.
And it doesn't help that I hear that blah blah is now with blah blah. And like, "What?! Wow!" Like, buti pa sila. Like, when is it my freakin' turn to be happy???
Yes, friends are there but some of you will understand that having loving friends and family is bullcrap when all you really want is that one person in the whole wide world to find you.
Blame it on Jerry Mcguire. Blame it on Sisqo. How dare you say that I am incomplete when I have not found THE ONE? It is unfortunate how things like that make things hellish for people like me. Oh well. Crap it is.
So anyway, I woke up feeling depressed today so I wore a black ensemble to work. And I wore my pointy red shoes. Yebbah. I am stylishly depressed. I am depressed but let me go through it with zsazsazsu.
I heard this new G-unit dancey r&b song so I made yaya to Abbie, Tin and Charo to go clubbin' and dancin' this Sat. since they don't wanna go to the fellas' gig. Ooh I wanna go dancing. Please! Am sad, must dance!
So anyway, 'looked for another cheer-me-upper during lunch time so I went DVD shopping in MCS. Woohoo. 'Found that damn hard-to-find El Crimen Del Padre Amaro DVD! Ahhh. Gael Garcia Bernal rocks. I am now on the hunt for "Don't Tempt Me". And then I got Season 6 of Sex and the City. Woohoo!
Well, there goes the moolah that was supposed to buy me the new Sarah McLachlan album. Oh well. Why spend for something that will make me sad? Heck, Imma gonna spend it on something happier like the DVDs I mentioned above.
Ackkk. I really gotta save now. Must get that Linkin Park gig tix. Will buy probably a week after the elections. Who knows what chaos (God forbid) may happen during the polls...
I also cheered myself up by eating lunch at KFC and getting that cute Powerpuff Girls plush toy. I do not like pesky Bubbles, I don't like tweetums Blossoms. I like tough-chick Buttercup. But drat, I like it better when she wears her toughie/grumpy facial expression. She is friggin' smiling on the free toy. Oh well.
Errmm. 'really really trying to think of happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
Haha! Me and my stupid fake grin.
Ah well, life goes on. The world does not stop for my grief.
Que sera sera.
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/06/2004 11:21:00 PM
Monday, May 03, 2004
NEWSFLASH! Holy friggin' cow!!!! Linkin Park will have a concert heeeeeeeeeere!!!! June 15 at the old Ultra. What a weird date! A freakin' Tuesday! Oh well, 'gotta schedule that damn VL!
My gal boss just showed me the news on Phil Star. Freak, freak, freak... I HAVE to buy the friggin' tickets NOW. I don't know how much but I am gunning for the front seats again. Sh*t, I have to freakin' buy THIS week coz I remember with the Incubus gig, a month before the gig, all the good front/isle seats have been taken.
Shiiiiiiiit. Mike Shinoda and Chester Bennington in the hooooooouse!!!!! Woohooo!
Can't hardly wait. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Coz I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break.
~ One Step Closer, Linkin Park
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/03/2004 08:34:00 AM
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Like a Cannonball!
Whoa. Robbie Rosa is alive! I was watching MTV the other day... lo and behold, who shall I see? Robbie Rosa!!! Bleech! Yuuuuck. Ewww. I don't know what got into me when I was 10 years old. Hmm, what did I like in him? Hmm. I cannot, for the life of me, remember why. So anyway, he used to be my fave Menudo guy... What a trip! Okay lemme remember their names... So there's Robbie Rosa (the one with a gap on his teeth and high cheekbones), Charles Macchio (the curly-haired guy), Ricky Martin (the youngest of 'em back then), Roy (basta, I remember he's the ugliest Menudo dude)... I think I'm missing one more name. 'Really can't remember anymore.
Strains of "Explosion" is humming in my mind. Hahaha. Our boys danced to the tune of that song in our 80's era presentation last Christmas Party.
Like an explosion (my love for you...)
Gaaah. Robbie Rosa sounded like an uncircumcised boy back then. Super sickeningly high-pitched. I dunno what he's up to now that he's back. It's appalling to see him make a lame attempt at being the next Rocky Martin success story. Well, I may be speaking too soon, but I dunno if his music will fly this time. Hmmm. The return of Menudo... Gaaah. Very disturbing thought. NOooooooo.
Annoying political jingle: Ja-ja-ja-Jamby! Grrrr.
WTF?! : Now what the fudge is Miriam doing in that ad? Praying like she's oh-so-damn holy.
Another WTF?! : FPJ: I Like! Whaaatdaaaa?! Why screw up that cool MTV copy?! It's such a freakin' lame attempt at getting the MTV generation to vote for him. What a stupid idea.
What a copycat: Was that a Ping Lacson ad ripping off the popular Coke Ko 'To thingiemajig? Did he get the permission of Coke to copy that? Moreso, did he "buy" the idea from the ad agency who conceptualized that table-slammin' fist pumpin' fad?
Do You Yahoo?
I'm now using the Yahoo Messenger BETA version. It rocks but I am worried about it being a beta version. It means there may still be bugs and issues to address. I like the slick modern look of the skin, the image display thing, the avatar, the stealth mode (haven't tried it out though) , and the cooler emoticons a.k.a. smileys.
My YM pretty much got screwed up last night though when I unistalled some elements of the YM beta. Had to friggin' re-install the old version and then download the beta version again. Took a lot of friggin' time. Grrr.
Oh but it's working now. It's all goood.
Spankin' New Webbie Look...
I have uploaded the revamped version of my website today. I haven't gone through all the uploaded pages though... which means there might be some tiny red "x" marks here and there where a jpeg should have been. Gaaah. There's this one shockwave flash thingie that is not working and I don't freakin' know why. Why oh why oh why?
Oh well. I'll "proof-read" all the online pages some other time. I'm too carpal tunnel-ish now.
Crap. I'm supposed to be watching the Mossimo thing of DJ Myke airing at RPN 9 right now.
Okay, gotta go ogle at those six-packs...
Posted by ~*lilacstardust*~ at 5/02/2004 09:30:00 PM