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Wednesday, December 31, 2003


I am standing at the edge of tomorrow. I do not know what to feel about it. But I wish today was over already. I look forward to closing this heavy book. I am so tired of it. I am so tired of blogging about it endlessly. I wish my feelings can just stop. Halt. Forget. Move on. Pretend it never happened. It was just a nasty dream. I do not want look back in anger and heartache. My soul is too frail for such a massive, oppressing feeling.

I'm so tired of being here...
... If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Coz your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

~ My Immortal, Evanescence

I wonder if this sick cycle is gonna stop. I wonder if I shall live to see a better day. Bliss. I miss the bliss of being heady and reeling in the carelessness and foolishness of that so-called love.

Wow. It's almost been a year since I saw Two Week's Notice. Look at that. That was a damn stupid thing to do -- to watch that stupid movie and to sit stupidly beside him. Oh f#%@ it. Total B.S. That totally shattered my belief in saccharine, sickeningly sweet, too-good-to-be true tales about falling in love. Now when I remember it, it's just plain sickening. Revolting, even. Of course, that's my defense mechanism talking.

How could you make me take a start
then just leave me here hanging
Can't even say how I'm feeling
How can you make then break my heart?

Listen just hear my voice
Can you hear all the tears
that I'm planning to hide for the next thousand years
Just as long as you know that I love you

How can a blind man find the light?
How can I find our kind of right?
How could you take away my sight?
How could you lose me in the night?
Then you took away the heart in me
now I'm losing this fight
No, I will never ever be the same

~ The Man I was with You, Jimmy Bondoc

I have come to a resolution (ooh, how apt for the new year). I will not communicate with him ever again. I will not talk to him, text him or dare to ever hang out with him. I will avoid him like the plague. There. I resolve to shut him out of my life forever. In fact, I will try to blissfully (albeit bitterly) deny his existence. Who? Huh? Who? Oh sorry, I don't know him.

If this is what it takes to sleep peacefully again, to be truly happy again, to not feel this tormenting, aching feeling ever again, then so be it. His replies to my stupid texts are so nonchalant anyway. It's foolish for me to even try to bring him back. Foolish. Anyone who knows our story would just shake their head and tell me to stop, just let go and move on.

You came and got things today,
I packed your car, I watched you drive away
I cried so many tears that day,
It burnt my face, it felt like acid rain.
I know I can't keep lying to myself,
I said I'd be content with someone else,
I know I never have to face the pain

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.

It's gonna take a little time to stick in my mind
the fact you're gone for good.
Cause when you said you're leaving me, I heard it before,
I never really thought you would
Maybe I should be glad that you've gone away
I know the pain would not be here to stay
If I can only fool myself maybe, baby,

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.

That I won't cry, I'm moving on.

I know it's hard enough, to fall in and out of love,
But when something is gone,
to keep holding on
will only break your heart.
So I won't play the fool by begging you to stay
I wanna keep it inside, til you're out of sight,
Maybe that way,

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you
and we both know that it's true.
Me and you.

And we both know we're through.

~ I Won't Cry, Profyle

Saturday, December 13, 2003


Argghh. I haven't been in an AKAfellas gig for a long time now. 'Not distracted anymore!!! Haven't had my sugar-rush 'fellas lately. And so in random moments of stillness, his memory haunts me. I still miss him terribly. I don't know if he knows it. Well I texted him tons of times when I was in Baguio and we had a pretty decent chat but... NOTHING.

Leaving is sad when he didn't even know you stayed.

I recall when you said that you would never leave me
You told me more, so much more like when the time you whispered in my ear
It was heaven in my heart
I remember when you said that you'll be here forever

Then you left without even saying that you're leaving
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday
And I prayed that you would stay
But then you're gone and oh so far away

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within
I have learned to live my life without you
Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dream you'll come and touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreaming til my heartaches end.

~ Til My Heartaches End, Ella Mae Saison

I pretend to be okay with it. I pretend that I have forgotten. I pretend that I don't wish, in every breath I take, that he will come back.

Saying goodbye
Is never an easy thing
But you never said
That you'd stay forever.
So if you must go,
Oh darling I set you free,
But I know in time
We'll be together

I won't try
To stop you now from leaving
Coz in my heart I know

Love will lead you back,
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms,
Where you belong
I'm sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again, it won't be long,
One of these days our love will lead you back.

One of these nights,
I'll hear your voice again,
And you're gonna say,
how much you missed me.
You'll walk out this door,
But someday you'll walk back in,
And darling I know
I know this will be.

Sometimes it takes,
Sometime your on your own now
To find your way back home...

~ Love Will Lead You Back, Taylor Dayne

I don't want to wait in vain for his love. My mind is willing, but my damn stubborn heart is weak.

And so I pretend that I am happy and content. Everyday, I sing a lonely song in a happy tune. I make sarcastic remarks, I laugh at the hilarious, I post fun cutesy stuff on the message board, I scream cheers... But I sing a lonely song in a happy tune.

Days swiftly come and go
I'm dreaming of (him)...
... Emotions they stir
The sun is gone
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise...

~ Swing, Swing, All-American Rejects

Saturday, November 01, 2003


It's freakin' halloween. I don't wanna get all scared so I'm bloggin' to feel dramatic and everythin'... anything but feel scared outta my wits!!!

Dang. I miss him. I wish I could call him and say that I feel so damn scared coz I had to eat and overhear the scary hullabaloos that were on Magandang Gabi Bayan. I hate hearing scary stuff, especially if it is actually Halloween. Acckkkk. Hate it, hate it. I wish he was here to say something funny or sweet to me. Anything to make me feel better and "un-scare" me. But, asus! He ain't here. Not now, not ever. So f*@# that idea. Kapeesh. (?)

Tonight I'm gonna break away
Just you wait and see
I'll never be imprisoned by
A faded memory

Just when I think I'm over him
This broken heart will mend
I hear his name and I have to cry
The tears come down again...

I couldn't shake the feeling of missing him that day I had those dreams. So I texted him and asked if his hand was alright. So he said he was fine. He still sez "po" to me. Hayyy. He asked how I was. I did not want to say the usual "I'm fine" reply coz I was NOT fine at all. Soooo not fine. I just said I was OK and that the dream just got me worried, that I just wanted to know if he was OK. So he said he was fine (again) and he said thanks for the thing (the blogs! ackkkk!). "I'm so sorry," he said. I told him that it was OK. That I already understand why. That it was already forgiven and forgotten. That he shouldn't feel bad about it. He asked, "Really?" I said " Yeah. Really."

"So can we go out sometime?", he asked. I was like "Huh?! WTF was that question about?! Way too weird for me!" So I asked flatly: "Why?" "Barkada gimmick" daw. Ahhhhh. Okaaaaaayyy. So I said OK.

He said thanks and I said "You're welcome. Thanks for everything." Now that "thanks for everything" carried a big meaning to me:

I was saying thanks for everything that he had given me in this life. For it was in him that I have felt the truest bliss and contentment at one moment in time. For I never thought I could ever be happy with just knowing that I was loved by this person. For once I have known what it felt like to love and be loved by someone that your heart ached in a good way. At a certain point, our honesty and innocence were beautiful. Conversely, in a sad way, he had taught me how not to love too much the next time around. He had made me test my capacity of bearing pain to the hilt. He had made me pray harder and talk to God more when he left me. He made me question my faith in God, Love and Fate. His leaving had forced me to become a braver person who would not be afraid of being alone.

So that's why I said thanks for everything. So never underestimate me when I say cliches like that coz I don't just say it out of nowhere. I say it with heart.

Sometimes people come into our life to serve a purpose. If someone hurts you or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to.

He said "Same here." Gee. I do hope it was the same for him. "Sorry also," he added. "You're forgiven already." He thanked me again for that. I said: "Ok. You're welcome. You deserve all the peace and happiness. I don't want to deny you of that." He said: "Thanks for understanding. Thanks."

But you know what? In the darkest of nights, sometimes I think I still don't fully understand him. But in some weird way, I do understand him. Crazy, isn't it?

Looking back at every guy that walked in and out of my life, there's this one thing I realized: I am a catalyst for guys' sudden need to re-examine themselves. When they know that I like/love them, they ask themselves why. And then they come to a conclusion that they are not good enough for me. That they cannot possibly make me happy. They suddenly realize various inadequacies, shortcomings and/or hang-ups which they need to resolve by themselves. They tell me that I should not love them, they tell me that I should find somebody better than them, that I deserve somebody else but them... 'Sucks doesn't it? But come to think of it... I can give you concrete examples of this "i-am-a-catalyst" theory of mine. I can count about three instances to support my claim.

But enough about that.

So I turned down and cut short whatever you call it that was starting between me and T2. It all comes down to that dream. That was what made me realize that I was just trying to convince myself real hard that I should come back to him. Like coming home again. I felt it was inescapable. I even think he's probably my karmic partner... like we have to resolve something among ourselves in this lifetime that's why we keep coming back together in this road again. I really willed myself to try again. But God knows I just can't. If he was home, how come I was not happy when I was with him? How come my heart did not bounce when I saw him again? How come when our hands touched I did not feel any good aching for him? How come I can't make room for him in my already-planned weekend? The answer was clear. I simply was not in love with him.

Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't love, it's loneliness.

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't love, it's loyalty.

Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't love, it's pity.

I did not want to hurt him badly so I had to say it then: "I'm sorry that I make you feel bad; that I can't be the person you want me to be; that I can't give you back the same love that you're giving me. I did try. God knows I tried hard. But I just can't." "I'm not saying things just to hurt you. I believe in saying the truth. I'd rather be brutally honest than be fake and fool somebody. The truth may hurt but it will bring peace in the long run."

So there. We had a discourse about all that drama but we ended okay. At least we both know where we stand. No expectations from anybody because we have drawn the line where it should be.

I had that chance to be loved again and I refused it. I felt it was unfair to be with someone because he was simply just there. He deserved to know the truth. It hurt him but I know it will set us both free. I have chosen this path. I'd rather be miserable being alone than be miserable feeling trapped in a relationship. Enough about doing what I think is right. This time I did what I think I wanted. I will bravely do this stint. I chose this. I chose to be alone and still carry the torch for someone who doesn't love me anymore. I'm OK but sad at the same time. I feel so "zen" about genuinely forgiving him and giving him his peace. It is such a liberating thought. But it remains to be sad.

"Maybe getting over someone you're in love with isn't impossible. Unless, maybe you don't actually get over it... maybe you just learn to live with it." (Felicity)

A friend asked me why I gave up on that chance. I reasoned, "Why not? I have experienced being truly happy with someone else, why would I go back to something that is far less than that?" She said it was wrong for me to set these benchmarks; because it would then be very difficult for me to love someone else again if I keep referring back to HIM. True, true. I know that. But I am damn stubborn. And I am a damn perfectionist--it is both a gift and a curse. I theorize that it may be the reason why I am always miserable. I just refuse to settle. Love is too major a thing to simply settle upon. It is a powerful force of life. It can be life and death itself. It should be taken seriously. It should be something thoroughly thought about. Give me life or give me death. I know what I want and if I don't get it, then too bad for me. But I refuse to get a substitute for love.

There are too many mediocre things in life and love should not be one of them. (Dream for An Insomniac)

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you don't feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't.

~ I Can't Make You Love Me, George Michael

Saturday, October 25, 2003


It's 4:49 am and I'm awake. I woke up twice after having a sad dream. Look at that. I don't have bad dreams... just sad ones.

The First Dream. We were walking around in a mall with friends. I avoided him. I never walked alongside him. Whenever he'd inch close, I'd either stop on my tracks and let him walk past me or I steer clear of him by walking on some other friend's side. One of his hands was apparently broken and was in a cast. He was starting up a conversation about his broken hand and I just kinda nodded and said uh-huh. Then we sat down in a food court --just him across me and one of my gal pals beside me. He was eating tonkatsu which he bought from a nearby fast food. I was wondering where he bought it but I did not directly ask him. I was looking around at the food court, searching for the logo that matched what was printed on his plate.

I remember that it was so agonizing sitting across him like that. Since I sleep with the radio on, I fortituously semi-woken up to an apt soundtrack. How insanely cruel is that?

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go?
Cause this pain I feel
It won't go away
And today I'm officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today
I'm officially missing you

Oh can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I'm officially missing you

All I do is lay around
Two ears full tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don't even know you at all
I don't know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say baby safe to say
That I'm officially missing you

Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way
To let go of you

~ Officially Missing You, Tamia

The Second Dream. We were in a car with friends. I remember two scenes with me already sitting alone at the backseat and him going inside the car and choosing to sit beside me. I was at the window seat and he was beside me while his friend was on his other side. There was no space between us. He was sitting so agonizingly close to me. I never looked his way. I just sat there, with my head turned away from him, looking absent-mindedly outside through the window. I was on the verge of crying. I was thinking: here he was sitting close to me and he hasn't the faintest idea how my heart was aching just by sitting beside him. I remember feeling that same ache I felt in real life when I missed him so much that it was killing me inside. Yeah, THAT kind of torture. That was the saddest dream I had. A real killer. I woke up again after that. My radio was conspiring with the dream fairy or whatever. I woke up to an Aaliyah song. Again, a very apt soundtrack for the drama.

Yes you went away...
... You up and left me...
Now you're gone and I'm lost without you here now
But I know I gotta live and make it somehow
Come back to me
Can you hear me (Callin')
Hear me callin' (For you)
For you...

Now I'm sittin' here
Thinkin' 'bout you
And the days we used to share
It's drivin' me crazy
I don't know what to do
I'm just wonderin' if you still care
I don't wanna let you know
That it's killin' me
I know you got another life you gotta concentrate baby
Come back to me
Can you hear me (Callin')
Hear me callin' (For you)
For you...

I can't breathe no more
Since you went away
I don't really feel like talkin'
Don't wanna hear you don't love me
Baby do you understand me
I can't do a thing without you

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
(Tell me what I'm gonna do)
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you

~ Miss You, Aaliyah

I remember feeling this excruciating pain in my heart when I was in those dreams and after I woke up. My dreams must have spoken the truth that I was trying to deny. I was trying to be very brave and just let go and forget about him. But I apparently couldn't. He is here forever. His memory will always lurk at the back of my mind. Like that Morrissey song: The more I ignore him, the closer he gets. He is now a central part of my mind's landscape whether I care or do not. I wanted to cry to let out all the hurt but my tearducts couldn't stage a decent drama. I probably ran out of tears. Oh well. There'll be tomorrow.

Saturday, October 18, 2003


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Tuesday, October 14, 2003


Disclaimer: I did not write the article below but I might as well had written it. My sentiments exactly... well, except for some minor parts of the author's outbursts.

Please do not think me immature if I can't work on being friends with you anymore, although I know it was I who wanted to nurture the friendship in the first place.

I have decided that I do not want to have any kind of connection with you. Let me make it clear that I am not angry with you because you left me. Why should I force myself on someone who does not want me? If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. What angers me is that you lied to me. To tell you the truth, the discovery of your deception devastated me more than the breakup. I never thought you could do that. Of all your traits, I admired your honesty and sincerity the most. I always thought you would never lie to me or hide anything.

But all that is in the past. I don't want to be bitter anymore because I want to remember the times we spent together without wanting to puke. But it's such a waste, right? We had so many wonderful and super-fun times together.

To cope, I have decided to make believe that the person I fell in love with died. He went away to the province for a vacation and died there. The person who came back was a different man I didn't know.

This way, I can remember "him" and the good times with tenderness and without anger. I know it's childish, but that's me.

Why should I make my life miserable thinking that the person I loved so much betrayed me? I can't handle that.

Wouldn't it be better to think that the person you fell in love with died, instead of becoming a monster? It's not his fault he died and I can hold on to the idea that he wanted to come back to me but just couldn't.

And so, I don't have to feel anything when I see you. Not regret, not sadness, not even yearning. You're not the person I fell in love with. I don't even have to say "hi" because I don't even know you.

It's just like in the movie Life is Beautiful. There will be things, people and situations that will really make your life wretched, but it's up to you whether you let these ruin you. It's up to you to make your life "beautiful". This is my way of making my life beautiful.

I fell in love with a wonderful person. He will always have a special place in my heart and I'll remember the fun times we had together. But I know he's never coming back and it's time to go. It's time to move on.

But you... you have betrayed me. I don't know you. I don't have to see you for the rest of my life. I have no connection whatsoever with you. You can do the same if you want. If I caused you pain, just pretend that I got stung by a jellyfish and died, or I was just a bad dream. It's up to you--be creative.

My last request is to respect the memories of the relationship of the person you once loved. Leave the memories to those who will truly cherish them. Don't allow them to be tarnished by others through their curiosity and careless prying. Keep them special by not making them part of your "hot seat" or "truth or dare" games. They are stories meant to be enjoyed by people who care, not by people who are just plain nosy.

When we see each other in the future (which I doubt will ever happen), let's pretend it's our first meeting. Wouldn't that be so much fun?

You might call this denial. Maybe, but how else can I protect myself? How can I keep myself from being traumatized by love, from becoming cynical? How can I keep my faith in love, which is something marvelous?

Crazy? Weird? Whatever. That's the "me" you fell in love with.

Monday, October 06, 2003


Ok. I understand him now. I finally do. I have heard the explanation which finally makes sense and which didn't sound like BS. So there. I can truly, truly say that I have forgiven him now. No BS on my part. Really.

It's just sad that I was not given a chance to understand all this early on. It would've spared me tons of unnecessary agony.

Before I knew, I had so much hatred and pain in my heart. Primarily, it was this hatred that was preventing me from sincerely forgiving him for what he has done to me. I know I gave him a BS forgiveness the last time. Well this time, it's no bull. I don't know if I should tell him this for his peace of mind. I know my sincere forgiveness will mean a lot to him. So maybe one day, I will.

There is no more hatred in me. It's just the pain that's left here -- a dark, aching void and this pain that kills me everyday everytime I remember.

A friend asked why HE had to be The Person Who Broke My Heart the Baddest. My answer was simple: It was because I really loved him. And the person whom you loved so much will be the only person who can have the power to hurt you really bad. Ergo, it also follows that the intensity of your hate will be just as much as the intensity of your love.

Before his birthday, I thought I have perfectly moved on. I was patting myself for a job well done but then it turns out that, subconsciously, I am still not over and I probably never will be.

Yesterday, I cried. After the morning mass, I went to the adoration chapel to talk to God. During the homily, the priest posed this question: Where does love come from? Does it come from other persons? The answer is NO. For love can only come from God. Because God is love (I know, so cliche isn't it?!). Therefore, I realized that I should not seek love from anybody. The love will not come to them no matter what, if God did not give it to them for the purpose of sharing it to me. It would be utter frustration to yearn for someone then. And so I talked to God. I did not hide from Him my wondering as to why the f@%k I was in such deep sh*t. I wondered if all this misery will never ever end for me. God must have been pretty entertained with my 30-minute melodrama inside the adoration chapel. HAH. Oh well. Nevertheless, I think I heard Him say that He will take care of all this for me. I really, as in really, could not take this anymore coz I am just so tired of fighting this mad game. I think I heard from somewhere that if you really can't take something anymore, let go and let God (hoo-ha! another cliche!). So there. I am letting Him handle this. It's in my outbox and in His inbox.

Que cera, cera.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

~ White Flag, Dido

Thursday, October 02, 2003

The world is a vampire. ~ Smashing Pumpkins

Why does it have to be an effing big deal that it's his birthday today? Birthday my foot. Am I freakin' obliged to greet him?

I have decided last night not to greet him at all. I mean, why bother? But then, his friend pestered me to greet him so that he'll be happy. He must be BS'ing me, I thought. So I said to him: "HAH! I don't think I will, AT ANY RATE, have a bearing whatsoever in his happiness." He replied na 'kala ko lang daw yun. Of course he'd be happy and that he's sure that his friend will be smiling upon reading my message. Yeah right. I have never heard such bull since 9/11.

How can a friend do that to another hurting friend? It's like I am healing with scab wounds now and he just goes, oh goody, why don't I scrape 'em right off! F@#king hurts. Dammit. Why did he have to say that it is the birthday of my "honey" today? Why does he have to say that he is in my (name here)'s house tonight? I mean, fine, he might just be humoring me but hey, at times like this, I don't like taking a joke coz I am not laughing. Kill me now, why don't you?! He is a good friend but I just couldn't help but lash out at him. I told him: Pls. be a friend and stop referring to him as if he's mine coz we have pretty much established that he isn't. Okay? OKAAAY?! Grrrr. >:( And I am about to cry any moment now...

I hate this. Now I'm feeling all shitty once again. All because some friend has so insensitively rubbed it onto my face that it is HIS birthday today. So ladies and gentlemen, the beeeotch in me has come out of hibernation. Pardon me while I burst into flames.

I have contemplated long and hard as to what to say to him when I greet him. Do I say happy birthday with a period or with an exclamation point? With a smiley or without? When do I greet him -- morning, noon or night? Do I say anything else or what? So finally, I texted him around 7-ish when I was on my way home. "Hi. Happy Birthday." Short. Curt. Direct to the point. Without emotion that it sounded so constrained. I was itching to follow it up with " I hope you're happy." but that would just reek with bitterness, won't it. He will definitely smell the burning sarcasm. I was satisfied with my "script". I wanted to get across the message that "hey, I opted not to play a dumbass and pretend that I didn't know it was your birthday... so there. I greeted you. I have done my divine obligation as a human being. Goodbye." It has turned so twistedly hilarious to me when he replied with the same tone and said thanks with a period. Not an exclamation point. No smiley. Har-har.

So end of story, right? We have followed the etiquette. We have civilly responded to each other. Period.

But nooooo. Let us relive the shit, why don't we?! Let's revisit the house of pain. It's his birthday and he'll do whatever he wants to do.

Here he goes texting me again and thanking me coz I remembered his birthday. And he was asking how I was. I didn't reply so he texted me again and asked if I was still up. I never replied. What is the point anyway? And excuse me, isn't it a tad rude to ask me how I was doing after what he did to me? Whoa. Hello?! Excuse me, mister--you do not ever get to ask me how I am after what you did to me. You have no right to ask me how I feel.

Sure. Ultimately, being creatures of God that we are, we of course don't ever want to live our lives here on earth knowing that we have made an enemy out of what had been a relationship. Who wants to live life knowing that somebody out there hates us for what we have done to them? We all want to make peace with ourselves and with the rest of the world. For there is nothing far worse than having to sleep at night thinking that you have been made out as a bad person by this other person that you did not intentionally hurt. Fine. I understand that need. He just needs peace. Don't we all? But when you flip the coin, you would know that it is never easy to forgive and forget. Only a few people have the gift of both forgiving and forgetting. And I belong to the unlucky majority.

I will run through the cliches now: Time heals all wounds. Only time will tell. Forgiving is easy, but forgetting isn't. My only hate sprung from my only love. Or something like those. Pardon me if I messed some of them up. But those are what I could remember for now.

So I tell you now, you just can't force forgiveness out of anyone just like that. You can't expect that all the "sorry"s in the world that you can sincerely say within a finite time frame can magically bridge the gap between persons and make everything all better. Sometimes, you just can't fix things like that. As I have said, I can forgive but I don't think I will ever forget. You can't make me grant you your peace of mind. Sorry, I do not feel obliged to make you feel any better than before you profusely apologized. Whether you say sorry just once or a hundred times, whether you sincerely mean it or not, whether you say it to me personally or you don't, IT DOESN'T CHANGE A THING. What has happened already happened. You cannot undo all the hurt, the pain and the sadness. You cannot make things any better than it is now. There won't be any difference. I do not see the point now. Not just yet. Sorry.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Pain is wanting to love after you've lost faith in it.

Why do I even have this compelling need to write about my personal little 9/11 tragedy? I have been avoiding this for more than a week but it just creeps up on me when I least expect it. So why let it torture me in the shadows when I can bring this to the cyberspotlight of my life? Maybe one day I can look back at this and say, hey, I survived THAT heartbreak. And I would haughtily say as I roll up my sleeves, "C'mon fate, bring it on. Hrrummpff! I ain't afraid of no nuthin'."

It's harder now that it's over, now that the cuffs are off... I'm free--free with a history.

So I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train.
Keep falling in love, which is kinda the same.
I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane...

~ Buses & Train, Bachelor Girl

I would never want to go into that road again.

But then, you long for it: All the love in the world. You yearn for it to come. You whisper prayers in between breaths for it. But sometimes you are so much in a trance that you can't even tell the difference between true love and infatuation. Therein lies the tragedy.

I now wonder what the hell it was. But, WHATEVER. It's moot and academic. 'No point in getting into a semantic argument over that. (HAH! I learned that from John Cusack. Grosse Pointe Blank. Absolutely kick-ass movie. But I digress...)

But as a friend put it, I never asked for this. I was happily moving along with my shitty lovelife and then he decided to grace it with his appearance. I fed on the traditional idealist romantic in me and I lapped up the happiness he gave me like a thirsty puppy. And then he suddenly walks away and takes away the rose-colored glasses outta my eyes. Kaput. And I went, "huh?! WTF...?!" Nobody messes with me like that. That was probably what hurt me (okay, that was a weird sentence structure but at 12:25 am, I think it is gramatically correct). I was such a Ms. Cool-as-Ice and then I turned into a mushy damsel in his hands. And then he pulls a Houdini on me. Now do you still wonder why I write like this?!

But you know, in a weird way, I'm fine now. I have deleted the stupid hero folder on my phone. I did not even cry when I was tearing up the goddamn pictures. I did it coz it seemed to be the most appropriate, uber-melodramatic thing to do. You know me, I'd like to think that I am in a music video sometimes. I played Ashanti's Foolish, Unfoolish and Over on loop when I was doing that crazy/cheesy thing. I even took digital photos of its various state of destruction. (I thought it would be a good artsy piece for my Adobe Photoshop weekend projects...) Yuck. How O.A. is that? Tee-hee.

It's a tragedy for me to see the dream is over.

I guess that was my way of freeing myself. Of digesting everything that has happened. It was for the best, I suppose ('so cliche!). I felt that this huge thorn had been plucked out of my heart. Coz finally, there was closure. It was not hanging in mid-air anymore. He may have never actually said why the f**k he left but at least, it is now finally over and done with. I even compared it to getting a wax (I have never gotten a wax, but anyway, I am basing this from what I've heard) when I was recounting the "events" to my friend: Quick AND painful.

Having him actually say to me that it's over (albeit, glossed up in a euphemism by following it up with the ever-so-hackneyed can-we-still-be-friends script. Touche, cliche.) makes it easier for me to move on. I can now stop holding on. I can now stop hoping for him to come back. I will get over this and go on with my life. And finally move forward, dammit.

As Brad Turvey says in his Mr. Hunky Shrink voice, "Put it in the fish bowl... all of it... Now drop it... drop the fish bowl." I am now watching my fish bowl shatter into fragments and disappear into the great big cosmos. Hopefully, the goddamn broken fish bowl won't ever haunt me back ever again.

And hopefully, I will live to see a happier day.

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

~ White Flag, Dido

Sunday, September 14, 2003


GUY #1

9/10 (9:50pm) are you still awake?

9/10 (10:45pm) hello. i know that you're very angry at me for what i did. I want to ask for your forgiveness... it's just that i got intimidated by the texts you sent me. i'm very very sorry.

9/10 (10:51pm) i'm very very sorry. hope you can still forgive me. sorry.

9/11 (1:00am) i have forgiven you already. I just want to know if this is how it ends. so i can move on if i have to. i just never understood what happened coz you never said anything and you never came back.

9/11 (6:22am) maybe we can just be friends, coz i think that it will not work out for the both of us. i'm so sorry. can we still be friends?

9/11 (7:18am) no. sorry, i don't think i can do that. i'm not THAT strong. i can forgive but i don't think i can ever forget.

9/11 (7:38am) ok. just would like to say i'm very very sorry for what i did. sorry.

9/11 (7:39am) well if your excessive apologies can unruin my life, sure, i'll gladly accept them.*sighs and cries inside*



GUY #2

9/11 (10:00pm) i miss you. good night.

9/11 (11:30pm) i'm in such a big emotional mess now. i have to process something that just happened to me. I need to completely absorb this so i can get over it and move on. i'm afraid i'll be just a selfish emotionally imbalanced person unconsciously seeking comfort in someone who just happens to be there. i don't want to do to you what somebody had done to me. it wouldn't be fair to you. love on the rebound won't exactly be a nice idea. i might just end up hurting you again and i swear to god i don't ever want to do that to you.

9/12 (7:01am) i'm not asking for anything...

9/12 (7:02am) d'oh. *toinks self* my bad.



Sunday, August 24, 2003


Is it all just wasted time?
Can you look at yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

Is it all just wasted time?
Can you live with yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

~ Wasted Time, Skid Row

I was supposed to write you a letter days ago, but I did not know what to write. I still do not know now. But heck, I have to write this friggin' letter and get it over with. *Ugh, kill me now, why don't you.*

And I'm doing this because...??? And my point was...??? For my peace of mind? Right. As if giving you these forsaken blogs will make a difference. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I honestly don't think this will magically make my life any freakin better than it is. Mmmm. Smell the burning sarcasm. Deeee-leee-shuz. Try it. I subsist on it everyday.

No, seriously, I am a mess. I'm just making an entertainment out of the suckiness of it all.

I do not intend to be mad. I loved you. How can I be freakin mad at you then? That would contradict my feelings now, wouldn't it. I feel bad about thinking you're a jerk. But hey, give me some credit. It was you who walked away, wasn't it?

Now I can't help but think... Why did I choose you over T2 then? He was so sincere. He so wanted to try again. He said the words I so wanted to hear. But why the freakin hell did I choose to fall for you? I'd hate to think I made a mistake but you made yourself be a mistake all on your own. I wasn't even judging you for pete's sake. But you made this sweeping decision to abandon me just like that. Now tell me if I don't have the right to call you a jerk.

So true
Funny how it seems
Always in time
But never in line for dreams.

~ True, Spandau Ballet

Sometimes I think there's not even a point to this at all. I have written too many words these past three months that I can't find any other words at all now. I am just risking to be redundant. Well, at any rate, there are no more words to say how I feel. I don't know what to feel anymore. You know I love you but I just can't take this. *Excuse me while I switch off my drama queen mode. LOL. Sorry, I did not mean to be OA.*

Coz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
Sorry, I can't be perfect.
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
Sorry, I can't be perfect.

~ Perfect, Simple Plan

Thursday, August 14, 2003

~*Kiss The Rain*~

Isn't it sad that when you have so much pain in your heart, the only person you want to talk to who can stop your crying is exactly the same person who made you cry?

I was dancing
with your shadow
Slow down memories hall
I said wait
Have I been seduced and forgotten
You said baby, haven't we all

Now I don't like crying
Coz it only gets me wet
But I can't help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know it's gonna be a long time

~ Crying Like a Church on a Monday, New Radicals

You called yesterday
to basically say
that you care for me but that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly
and led you to believe I was okay to just walk away
from the one thing that's unyielding and sacred to me.

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
coz I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise till I go home at night
and turn down all the lights
and then I break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're so devoted to
suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
and sing I will survive
Do you lash out and say
How dare you leave me this way
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?

~ Breakdown, Mariah Carey

This is chapter four. Chapter one lasted for 6 years. Two for about 3 years. Three lasted for a year or so. This one? I dunno. Will it end? Will it last? I'd like to know right now but I fear the answer... But fear is something I can probably overcome. Whether I like it or not. Coz it's better to hurt knowing the cold truth than to be blindedly hurt about something I was not given a chance to understand. However, in contrast, pain is something I simply cannot overcome in a snap. It'll take years. Again. Damn, damn, damn. I so hate this crap.

Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?

Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?

Cause I'm
Tryin' to explain
Somethin's wrong
You just don't sound the same

Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone, too long.

If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.

Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you
If you feel
You can't wait till mornin'
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missin' you

What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind
In my mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain

~ Kiss the Rain, Billie Myers

Lots of things remind me. The rain, the crescent moon, the damn billboards, poster ads, newspaper ads every-freakin-where << ! >>, certain songs, certain people, the terminal, the shuttle, the food, chopsticks...

I knew it'd be like this someday
Turns out someday's not so far away
And now I'm falling down
I know you'd catch me but you're not around

So when it's all unraveled at the end of my rope
Would you burn it on the side?
And it won't be easy but I'll do my best
When it's time to say goodbye

~ Unraveled, Rockwell Ryan

Friday, August 08, 2003

~* I Shall Believe*~

Sheryl Crow hums in the tormented recesses of my soul tonight... Sad, sad night still. As always... Every night is still a torture to live by. God, I feel like hell tonight...

God I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man...

Well , nothing's true , and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man...

Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
Don't leave...

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man..

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man..
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave.

~ Strong Enough*, Sheryl Crow

* This used to be my T2 song. Now it's my goddamn Hero song. Aaaackkk. 'Just goes to show how I managed to get hit by the damn lightning twice at the same place. Now isn't that just peachy or what. *fake grin*

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

~ I Shall Believe, Sheryl Crow

I think I have totally lost faith in everything I deluded myself to believe in. Goddamn fairytales. Oh f*ck it. That never happens.

I thought last year: I have grown tired of waiting and searching. Gave up on love. I've set myself up for disappointment so that there will be less tears, less pain when the thing I fear most actually happens.

Now why is there still so much tears and so much pain right now? I thought I have braced myself for this emotional sh*thole. But dammit, I can never give myself a real good fake pep talk to turn me into a fake strong person. Coz I am not. And I guess I never will be ever strong for love. I am a victim of my own weakness. Walking wounded alone.

This is turning out longer than I expected...

It was inside that I cried
No long drawn out speeches
No sad tear solves goodbye
It was inside that I cried
Don't be deceived by what you saw
It was inside that I cried.

~ Inside that I Cried

Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me

~ Man on the Side, John Mayer

Stop, World. I wanna get off. Like, right now.

Monday, August 04, 2003

~*This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday*~

"This will all make perfect sense someday... I'll be A-OK... This will all make sense someday... There's got to be a reason for the rain." ~ John Mayer

I heard this line in an old song:

I do recall that every moment spent was wasted time.

And it made me sad because what it said seemed so true. Was it really just wasted time indeed? I'm afraid that the answer is yes. Everything was left in mid-air. Forsaken. Forgotten.

I will never ever understand what happened. It's just so sad how things turned out. More than anything else, it is really saddening.

Now, I have learned that men like him never ever come back. And uncertainty eats your heart and soul away. And so you forget how you have loved someone before. But then again, who am I to say that he really called that love? Maybe that was never love at all. Maybe that was just an unconscious selfish need to fill the hole -- a temporary relief to a broken heart and a failed relationship. Love on the rebound. And I had willingly let myself be the victim.

I don't get it. Why am I always the freakin victim? What have I done in my past life that made me deserve this recurring, life-long emotional torture? I am so tired of the cold lonely nights, of crying myself to sleep, of trying to exhaustingly rationalize everything that has happened, of torturing myself with playbacks that haunt my head when I see, hear or smell something even remotely reminiscent of him.

It's almost two months now. I think it's time to force myself to accept the fact that things have failed miserably again. I will forever walk this earth alone. The person I counted on, the one whom I thought was God's birthday gift to me, the one who made me so happy, the one who said he was in love with me, who asked if he can have me, who asked for hugs and kisses, who said he missed me so much everyday, who wished he was wherever I was, who said he always thought of me at work, in his sleep, everyday, who promised to always make me smile and to always be by my side in troubled times, who offered his shoulder for me to cry on anytime, who told me not to worry coz he was true to me, who said he was different from the rest of his friends -- he had walked away. One day he was just gone. Just like that. He hesitated to move forward. He turned around, walked away and never came back. He made up his mind and walked away.

She was only seventeen
Pretty young it seems for her dreams they seemed
She was eager in love, it showed
Everybody knows how the story was told
But it changed
She didn't know he needed her
So she walked away when she should have stayed

She was only one mile from paradise
She was only one mile away
She was only one mile from paradise
The love was right but it did not last, he slipped away

The pain of losing was much to bear
She should have shown how much she cared
I would have given my life for her love
But I'm too far away from her pouring touch
With all my heart convinced her, I tried
But she walked away when she should have stayed

She was only one mile from paradise
She was only one mile away
She was only one mile from paradise
The love was right but it did not last, he slipped away.

~ One Mile From Paradise, Keith Martin

Sometimes I just want to ask him in the middle of the night: Hey, are we just never gonna talk to each other ever again? Is this how it ends? Just like that? We'll just let it go down in history just like that?

Wouldn't that be such an ugly thing to remember? When people ask me (for the nth time!) what happened, I'll say: Yay, I dunno. He just walked away one day.

Every moment spent was wasted time...

Believe me, it would have been a bit more easier to take if he at least bothered to say why. It's just so unfair. I have asked him to help me understand what's going on and all he did was just to quietly vanish into thin air. He never offered any explanation. I don't freakin care what his friend says of his reasons why he did that. I want to hear it straight from him. God, he can't even be man enough to say those things to my face. It's just so unfair. So unfair. Why is he judging himself when I am not even judging him? He just decided for himself and did not even take my feelings into consideration.

So sad. He will go down in my personal, pathetic history up the top of my list: The One Who Broke My Heart the Baddest. It wouldn't even be T2, ITY, or WAK. (At least for those, I knew what went wrong.) I swear, it would be him. And the worst part is that I couldn't really understand why he had to break my heart like that.

I put you first in my life, you brought the worst to my life
See I'm tired of playing games with you just like a child
You had every opportunity to give me your smile
I can't do this no more
How you broke me before
I just can't be around you and let you hurt me anymore

Everytime I'm around you I let down my guard
So when I come around you I cover my heart
If I let you in again you'd only tear me apart
I don't want to do it again, I don't want to love you again
Can't be around you

How could I consider taking you back again?
I trusted you and I'm bitter, I loved you more than I can
I put you first in my life, you brought the worst in my life

Anything you needed I was there for you
There was nothing I would not do
How could you leave me standing all alone?
Knowing I could not do this on my own

~ Around You, Brownstone

I wonder if he can go to sleep at night with a peaceful mind. I would call the world unfair if he did. Try going to bed with your head swirling with thoughts while you are trying so hard to figure out what went wrong. As you seek for the answer, you start remembering a lot of memories -- happy memories. And then you end up feeling this aching pain -- this terrible, literal pain in your heart. It's feels like a dagger through your heart that you just wish you won't ever wake up the next day if only not to feel that pain all over again. But then, you realize that God isn't exactly too keen on granting death wishes. Bummer. You just can't take the emotional torture anymore so you settle with crying yourself to sleep... Hoping that someday this will all be over. That someday, all this crap will finally make sense. After all, there's got to be a reason for the rain.

This coulda been a slow song
A laundry list of all the wrongs
But at the end of the day
This is my beautiful disaster piece I've made
and it goes in a quote it will never be like this.

~ This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday, John Mayer

Sunday, August 03, 2003


I'm back to square one then. After all that artificial bliss of watching Rockwell Ryan and Dain Samuelson perform, I am back to the normalcy of being depressed again. Dammit. This just makes me shake my head... How being depressed has been such a life-long unwelcome path for me. I would want to believe that I have become strong after every damn heartbreak that the world has dumped on my end... That at least there is some sane, divine purpose in all this crap I'm getting. But no... I can never be strong even for my own sake. I can never learn to be genuinely strong and pick myself up. I can only pretend to be brave about it sometimes. At the end of the day, when I lie awake at night, sadness always find me. I guess this is because I have always loved with all my heart -- and that is the tragedy I have to bear.

Friday, June 27, 2003


FOOLISH (Ashanti)

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is achin for ya
I can't stop crying
I don't know how I allow you to treat me this way and still I stay

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you know I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears
after all these years...

I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
what love will make you do
all the things that we accept
be the things that we regret...

See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
Never gonna change, never gonna change...

Baby why you hurt me, leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back...


See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurting while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more,
I can't keep running back to you

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurting while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more,
I won't keep running back to you

I think I found my strength to finally get up and leave
No more broken heart for me
No more tellin' your lies to me
I'm lookin' like I got my head on right so now I see
No more givin' you everythin'
There's no more takin' my love from me

Glad to wake up every day without you on my brain
No more waiting late up at night
No more havin' to fuzz and fight
I'm proud to say that I will never make the same mistake
No more thinkin' about what you do
There's no more of me runnin' back to you

You must be used to me cryin'
While you're out bumpin' and grindin'
But I'm leaving you tonight

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurting while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more,
I can't keep running back to you.

OVER (Ashanti)

Can't believe that it's over baby
But every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we fight then we cried now it's over babe, it's over babe.

When I met you I knew you would be the one for me
coz looking at you had me feelin kind of crazy
now what you asked I almost did it automatically
but it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me.

I thought by staying, trying to change you would be worth it babe,
but now I see that trying to change you only changed me...

... All these tears,and all of your lies
All these years and now we're saying goodbye it's over babe.

Now I'm thinking that I never should have dealt with you,
Raining late at night I'm sitting waiting up for you
just to tell you how I hate who you turned into,
see ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you,
I'm never playing another day of being your fool,
I wasted all my time on something that just wasn't true,
I should have known that I could never ever change you.
All these tears, and all of your lies,
all these years and now we're saying goodbye it's over babe.

I'll never forget what you did to me
so I'm gone, I'm leaving, leaving baby,
I'll never forget what you did to me
so I'm gone I'm leaving, leaving baby.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

He's never gonna be ready, is he? He will never talk to me ever again. I will never ever hear his reaction/reply to my so-called ruminations. So screw that game plan. He must think I'm some overly-emotional drama queen harrassing his thoughts like that. *LMFAO* Well here's another fake grin >>> (",)

Yes. I'm in a sad/bitchy mood now. Pardon me while I burst into flames.

Tea and Sympathy. I wonder why we tried for things that could never be. (Jars of Clay)

I have just gotten sick of thinking about it all the time. It's so f@*#ng tormenting that I am beginning to hate all this bull. It's just a freakin waste of energy. I have gotten so tired. So tired. I quit, I give up. There is nothing good for anybody else...

I wish he just left me alone in the first place. He has freakin f@*#ed up my life big time. Dammit.

Losing my grip. Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby? Why'd you turn away, is what I have to say. I was left to cry there, waiting outside there, grinning with a lost stare. That's when I decided why should I care coz you weren't there when I was scared. I was so alone. Yeah, you need to listen... I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone. Crying out loud, I'm crying out loud. Damn, that Avril Lavigne girl writes such great angsty music. Great for singing along with when you're feeling all shitty.

Why do guys do that "love 'em and leave 'em bullshit"? I hate this. I f@*#ing hate this. I thought I was gonna get fixed, but it turned out I just got broken again. Poetic bullshit.

Wow. Isn't it just peachy -- how he is having his nervous breakdown while I am getting my fix of emotional breakdown? Don't you just hate it when life poops on your parade?

Gee, care for a fake smile? I'm flashing it now straight at yah.

La Cienega Just Smiled. I love this Ryan Adams song. In fact, I love most of Ryan Adam's songs that got played in Felicity. This guy is good. Queue him on your Winamp and, voila, great soundtrack for crying and/or deep contemplation.

... And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
La Cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye
"Ah the it comes again"

How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
How I feel about you now
La Cienega just smiles and says, "I'll see you around"

It's Harder Now That It's Over. Another tear-jerker from Ryan Adams. This was the song being played while Ben Covington reads Felicity Porter's letter. It's raining hard outside. Tracks of rain on his window pane. You see him lying on his bed. Tormented. Couldn't sleep. Felicity tosses and turns as well on the other side of New York. They are so broken up at this point. This was "The Storm" episode.

'Cause honey it's over now
It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history

I heard your wrists got bruised
Must've felt just like old times
I wish you would've grabbed the gun
And shot me 'cause I died
And I'm nothing now without you
yeah, I'm less than nothing now
I'm the one between the bars and lost forever now
'Cause honey it's over
It's harder now that its over.

Tomorrow. Avril Lavigne again. Softer this time...

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't

Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

Tomorrow it may change.

The Day You Went Away. Now this is the ultimate heartbroken's song. Anthem material. Really. *cringe* Triple cringe. By Wendy Matthews...

Hey, does it ever make you wonder what's on my mind?
I was only ever running back to your side
I never cried, I just watched my life go by
It's just a pack of lies,
'cause you're leaving me behind

Why, after this long is there nothing I'll keep
Oh, I can shout
you'll pretend you're falling asleep
I live a lie, yeah, believing that you're mine
It's just a waste of time
'cause you're leaving me behind

Hey, there's not a cloud in the sky
It's as blue as your goodbye
and I thought that it would rain
on a day like today
Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
it's as blue as your blue goodbye
and I thought that it would rain
the day you went away...

Hurt Before. By The Corrs. I listen to this when I'm sick of Sarah McLachlan... Time for more poetic bull... *fake grin*fake grin*

She's a girl in a world, she's moving as fast as she goes
Loves her mom and her dad, the only secure that she knows
But at night, she's alone, she's dreaming of somebody new
Her someone for to hold, she's praying the dream will come true

Show me the way, show me, show me how
Help me be brave for love
Show me the way, show me, tell me how
What do you say

There's a pain in her heart, she's trying so hard to unwind
Makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind
Wants to break through the the fear
Erasing the scars from within
Start a new kind of being
She's down and she's praying again

You see she's turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Stepping outside, with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Take it in stride, you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before

Yeah we've all been hurt before
So you're not alone... no...
You're not alone...

Thursday, June 05, 2003


I haven't slept at all in days. It's been so long since we've talked. And I have been here many times. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

What can I say to make you feel this?

There's only so much I can take. And I just gotta let it go. And who knows I might feel better if I don't try and I don't hope.

Maybe there's nothing more to say. In a funny way I'm calm. Because the power is not mine, I'm just going to let it fly.

My favorite crescent moon is up again tonight. It remains up there... mocking me... reminding me of what he had said that time. It will forever be there like a haunting memory. Echoes of what we have said that night torments me to death.

Who would have known, huh. Who would have known it would come to this sordid state of... Argh. I give up. I don't even have the words anymore to effectively describe and encapsulate the pain I feel right now so you can, in some way, realize the intensity of how it's killing me tonight.

Are you aware of what you make me feel, honey
Right now I feel invisible to you like I'm not real
Why'd you turn away?

I was left to cry there
Waitin' outside there ...

... You weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone.


Wednesday, June 04, 2003

And these are the nights I subsist on Sarah McLachlan... lonely, lonely nights.

So he doesn't answer me again. Oh well. Strange. Like I'm talking to nobody. I tried God. I did try.

"I never would have opened up but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard it's refreshing not to see
that I don't have to pretend
he doesn't expect it from me.
So don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I haven't been there for you
just tell me why nothing is good enough."

~ Good Enough, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

My favorite crescent moon is up. There's a tiny solitary star right above it. So far away. So painfully far away. They look breath-taking together when you look up the night sky. But they're so far away...

"A breath between us could be miles
Everytime I'm close to you, there's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot to tell you I love you
and the night's too long and cold here without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say i need you so. "

~ I Love You, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

Is it always supposed to hurt like this? Why does this always have to happen to me? I run blind and I fall deep. But I did choose this path, suffice it to say. But indeed, to choose love is to choose pain. Those are the two sides of the coin. That is an unescapable truth.

"Fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
this yearning to be near you
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize
but I don't know how to let you go."

~ Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

When I was around 14, I used to believe that love does hurt. And when it does, you just have to love some more until the hurting stops.

"Hold on, hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell
You know that only time can tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing."

~ Hold On, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

"There's always one reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless
and maybe I'll find some peace tonight
It doesn't make no difference
escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness
oh, this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees."

~ Angel, Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Inspired by "I love you anyway" by Travis (as heard from my Felicity mp3s)

I fear that things may have changed. I miss you terribly that it kills me sometimes. You don't seem to miss me anymore. But I love you anyway.

Sometimes I feel that you have become distant. I do not feel the same warmth from you anymore. It's like you have gotten sick of chasing me. Well it's not like I want you to go chasing me everyday. You don't seem to be aware that it is you who have the power to stop this mad chase. You would only have to ask. Easy as that.

I wait and wait to hear what I've been wanting to hear from you. But you never say it. I love you anyway.

It seems you still do not really know what you want at all. And you're so unsure of me that you test me sometimes. Isn't it I who is supposed to test the strength and sincerity of your word? Am I the one to prove something to you? Am I supposed to be the one chasing you?You're not sure about me, but I love you anyway.

Your feelings may fade away in time. You might just walk out on me someday. But I love you anyway.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

~*Melancholy and Infinite Sadness*~
I'm not afraid of living alone, I was alone before he came. ~ What Makes You Stay by Deana Carter (Hope Floats soundtrack)

I hate this feeling of dependency. He loses contact for a few days--and I am lost and lonely. I revert to my depressed solitary existence. The rain came and went. But not him. Will he ever be here? Can he stand the rain?

The soft patter of the rain on the rooftop muffles my weeping. The fragile pink flowers sway as I try to sigh away my sadness. The leaves of May glisten with my tears. And he is still not here.

I think he has grown tired of the chase. I have probably been chasing illusions myself.

It pains me to realize that he is not sure at all. Coz if he was ready, he would have moved mountains just to ask me. But look at me. Look at him. Look at us. Everything is vague nothingness. It is painful not to hear the words that he is supposed to say. The silence is deafening. It haunts me when I lay myself to bed at night.

And that was when I started to cry.

Nothing I do can fill the void he left. And this is not right. I should know how to bravely live alone coz I was alone before he came, right? Then why the dark, aching void?

I should make a resolution: I should not let my happiness be held by someone else's hands. I should take care of myself. I should light up my own life. I should complete myself.

After all, THE HOURS ahead, I fear, shall be days like these. Sadly enough.