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Saturday, November 01, 2003


It's freakin' halloween. I don't wanna get all scared so I'm bloggin' to feel dramatic and everythin'... anything but feel scared outta my wits!!!

Dang. I miss him. I wish I could call him and say that I feel so damn scared coz I had to eat and overhear the scary hullabaloos that were on Magandang Gabi Bayan. I hate hearing scary stuff, especially if it is actually Halloween. Acckkkk. Hate it, hate it. I wish he was here to say something funny or sweet to me. Anything to make me feel better and "un-scare" me. But, asus! He ain't here. Not now, not ever. So f*@# that idea. Kapeesh. (?)

Tonight I'm gonna break away
Just you wait and see
I'll never be imprisoned by
A faded memory

Just when I think I'm over him
This broken heart will mend
I hear his name and I have to cry
The tears come down again...

I couldn't shake the feeling of missing him that day I had those dreams. So I texted him and asked if his hand was alright. So he said he was fine. He still sez "po" to me. Hayyy. He asked how I was. I did not want to say the usual "I'm fine" reply coz I was NOT fine at all. Soooo not fine. I just said I was OK and that the dream just got me worried, that I just wanted to know if he was OK. So he said he was fine (again) and he said thanks for the thing (the blogs! ackkkk!). "I'm so sorry," he said. I told him that it was OK. That I already understand why. That it was already forgiven and forgotten. That he shouldn't feel bad about it. He asked, "Really?" I said " Yeah. Really."

"So can we go out sometime?", he asked. I was like "Huh?! WTF was that question about?! Way too weird for me!" So I asked flatly: "Why?" "Barkada gimmick" daw. Ahhhhh. Okaaaaaayyy. So I said OK.

He said thanks and I said "You're welcome. Thanks for everything." Now that "thanks for everything" carried a big meaning to me:

I was saying thanks for everything that he had given me in this life. For it was in him that I have felt the truest bliss and contentment at one moment in time. For I never thought I could ever be happy with just knowing that I was loved by this person. For once I have known what it felt like to love and be loved by someone that your heart ached in a good way. At a certain point, our honesty and innocence were beautiful. Conversely, in a sad way, he had taught me how not to love too much the next time around. He had made me test my capacity of bearing pain to the hilt. He had made me pray harder and talk to God more when he left me. He made me question my faith in God, Love and Fate. His leaving had forced me to become a braver person who would not be afraid of being alone.

So that's why I said thanks for everything. So never underestimate me when I say cliches like that coz I don't just say it out of nowhere. I say it with heart.

Sometimes people come into our life to serve a purpose. If someone hurts you or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to.

He said "Same here." Gee. I do hope it was the same for him. "Sorry also," he added. "You're forgiven already." He thanked me again for that. I said: "Ok. You're welcome. You deserve all the peace and happiness. I don't want to deny you of that." He said: "Thanks for understanding. Thanks."

But you know what? In the darkest of nights, sometimes I think I still don't fully understand him. But in some weird way, I do understand him. Crazy, isn't it?

Looking back at every guy that walked in and out of my life, there's this one thing I realized: I am a catalyst for guys' sudden need to re-examine themselves. When they know that I like/love them, they ask themselves why. And then they come to a conclusion that they are not good enough for me. That they cannot possibly make me happy. They suddenly realize various inadequacies, shortcomings and/or hang-ups which they need to resolve by themselves. They tell me that I should not love them, they tell me that I should find somebody better than them, that I deserve somebody else but them... 'Sucks doesn't it? But come to think of it... I can give you concrete examples of this "i-am-a-catalyst" theory of mine. I can count about three instances to support my claim.

But enough about that.

So I turned down and cut short whatever you call it that was starting between me and T2. It all comes down to that dream. That was what made me realize that I was just trying to convince myself real hard that I should come back to him. Like coming home again. I felt it was inescapable. I even think he's probably my karmic partner... like we have to resolve something among ourselves in this lifetime that's why we keep coming back together in this road again. I really willed myself to try again. But God knows I just can't. If he was home, how come I was not happy when I was with him? How come my heart did not bounce when I saw him again? How come when our hands touched I did not feel any good aching for him? How come I can't make room for him in my already-planned weekend? The answer was clear. I simply was not in love with him.

Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't love, it's loneliness.

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't love, it's loyalty.

Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't love, it's pity.

I did not want to hurt him badly so I had to say it then: "I'm sorry that I make you feel bad; that I can't be the person you want me to be; that I can't give you back the same love that you're giving me. I did try. God knows I tried hard. But I just can't." "I'm not saying things just to hurt you. I believe in saying the truth. I'd rather be brutally honest than be fake and fool somebody. The truth may hurt but it will bring peace in the long run."

So there. We had a discourse about all that drama but we ended okay. At least we both know where we stand. No expectations from anybody because we have drawn the line where it should be.

I had that chance to be loved again and I refused it. I felt it was unfair to be with someone because he was simply just there. He deserved to know the truth. It hurt him but I know it will set us both free. I have chosen this path. I'd rather be miserable being alone than be miserable feeling trapped in a relationship. Enough about doing what I think is right. This time I did what I think I wanted. I will bravely do this stint. I chose this. I chose to be alone and still carry the torch for someone who doesn't love me anymore. I'm OK but sad at the same time. I feel so "zen" about genuinely forgiving him and giving him his peace. It is such a liberating thought. But it remains to be sad.

"Maybe getting over someone you're in love with isn't impossible. Unless, maybe you don't actually get over it... maybe you just learn to live with it." (Felicity)

A friend asked me why I gave up on that chance. I reasoned, "Why not? I have experienced being truly happy with someone else, why would I go back to something that is far less than that?" She said it was wrong for me to set these benchmarks; because it would then be very difficult for me to love someone else again if I keep referring back to HIM. True, true. I know that. But I am damn stubborn. And I am a damn perfectionist--it is both a gift and a curse. I theorize that it may be the reason why I am always miserable. I just refuse to settle. Love is too major a thing to simply settle upon. It is a powerful force of life. It can be life and death itself. It should be taken seriously. It should be something thoroughly thought about. Give me life or give me death. I know what I want and if I don't get it, then too bad for me. But I refuse to get a substitute for love.

There are too many mediocre things in life and love should not be one of them. (Dream for An Insomniac)

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you don't feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't.

~ I Can't Make You Love Me, George Michael