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Saturday, October 25, 2003


It's 4:49 am and I'm awake. I woke up twice after having a sad dream. Look at that. I don't have bad dreams... just sad ones.

The First Dream. We were walking around in a mall with friends. I avoided him. I never walked alongside him. Whenever he'd inch close, I'd either stop on my tracks and let him walk past me or I steer clear of him by walking on some other friend's side. One of his hands was apparently broken and was in a cast. He was starting up a conversation about his broken hand and I just kinda nodded and said uh-huh. Then we sat down in a food court --just him across me and one of my gal pals beside me. He was eating tonkatsu which he bought from a nearby fast food. I was wondering where he bought it but I did not directly ask him. I was looking around at the food court, searching for the logo that matched what was printed on his plate.

I remember that it was so agonizing sitting across him like that. Since I sleep with the radio on, I fortituously semi-woken up to an apt soundtrack. How insanely cruel is that?

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go?
Cause this pain I feel
It won't go away
And today I'm officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today
I'm officially missing you

Oh can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I'm officially missing you

All I do is lay around
Two ears full tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don't even know you at all
I don't know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say baby safe to say
That I'm officially missing you

Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way
To let go of you

~ Officially Missing You, Tamia

The Second Dream. We were in a car with friends. I remember two scenes with me already sitting alone at the backseat and him going inside the car and choosing to sit beside me. I was at the window seat and he was beside me while his friend was on his other side. There was no space between us. He was sitting so agonizingly close to me. I never looked his way. I just sat there, with my head turned away from him, looking absent-mindedly outside through the window. I was on the verge of crying. I was thinking: here he was sitting close to me and he hasn't the faintest idea how my heart was aching just by sitting beside him. I remember feeling that same ache I felt in real life when I missed him so much that it was killing me inside. Yeah, THAT kind of torture. That was the saddest dream I had. A real killer. I woke up again after that. My radio was conspiring with the dream fairy or whatever. I woke up to an Aaliyah song. Again, a very apt soundtrack for the drama.

Yes you went away...
... You up and left me...
Now you're gone and I'm lost without you here now
But I know I gotta live and make it somehow
Come back to me
Can you hear me (Callin')
Hear me callin' (For you)
For you...

Now I'm sittin' here
Thinkin' 'bout you
And the days we used to share
It's drivin' me crazy
I don't know what to do
I'm just wonderin' if you still care
I don't wanna let you know
That it's killin' me
I know you got another life you gotta concentrate baby
Come back to me
Can you hear me (Callin')
Hear me callin' (For you)
For you...

I can't breathe no more
Since you went away
I don't really feel like talkin'
Don't wanna hear you don't love me
Baby do you understand me
I can't do a thing without you

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
(Tell me what I'm gonna do)
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you

~ Miss You, Aaliyah

I remember feeling this excruciating pain in my heart when I was in those dreams and after I woke up. My dreams must have spoken the truth that I was trying to deny. I was trying to be very brave and just let go and forget about him. But I apparently couldn't. He is here forever. His memory will always lurk at the back of my mind. Like that Morrissey song: The more I ignore him, the closer he gets. He is now a central part of my mind's landscape whether I care or do not. I wanted to cry to let out all the hurt but my tearducts couldn't stage a decent drama. I probably ran out of tears. Oh well. There'll be tomorrow.