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Sunday, June 12, 2005

~* THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION *~

Does it still hurt?

How do I answer a question like that? For a moment there, I was at a loss. I could not even straightforwardly answer it with a "yes" or a "no". And then I tried to recall how much it actually hurt before. As I re-read what I have written on my journal, I was overwhelmed by the magnitude of my pain at that time when I consciously refused to blog online about it. I have kept those words to myself as I wanted to suffer in silence. I did not want to bother my friends with my all-too-familiar woes. But now I've decided that it's time to set those words free...

Dec. 19, 2004:
... I do not even want my friends to know the extent of this doubting in my mind. I am probably still in denial. I can't believe I'm experiencing this. I am still rationalizing. Desperately. This is more hellish than ever. I sooo want this to work. Please God? Please help both of us make this work. I'm sooo tired.

Last night I couldn't sleep. It was because I was bothered with thoughts of him. I was talking to him but I couldn't say that I missed him terribly that it kills me. I wanted to hear his voice... But it's like he's so far away. So near yet so far. It's like I can't reach him anymore. It's like he built a wall around him. He can open the door from his side but I can't on my side...


Dec. 23, 2004:
... Classic. I did it again. I put myself in the same sh*thole where I was last year. It's beginning to be a recurring theme and I am exasperated. I quit, I give up. There is nothing good for anybody else.

I can't see why I put my hopes up and led myself to believe that it will be different this time when I know full well that it has always been the same crap for me.

Indeed, all men are created equal. They are all f***ing same.


Dec. 24, 2004:
... There really is no point in waiting, is there?

I just wish I could cry right now but there are no tears. Even my tears have become selfish to me.

... If this is the f***ing screwed up story over and f***ing over again, I don't know how f***ing strong and brave I'd have to be. I am f***ing tired. When will this crapdom ever stop?

I think it's me. There's something awfully wrong with me that makes them leave and go away. They may not have planned to do that but there's probably something in me that doesn't ever make them stay for good.


Dec. 26, 2004:
I wonder for how long do I have to sleep crying and wake up sad. If there was ever an account of my life, I pretty much was the f***ing tortured soul of love. Prisoner of love. Most of my growing up years, counting til now, was spent in unbelievably f***ing cruel emotional torture. Sometimes I just wanna be hit by a stray bullet in my sleep and die without knowing it. A bullet striaght to the heart. F***ing dramatic sh*t.

The way they say how the heart feels like being crushed into thousand little pieces, how missing someone terribly that it kills you, how something feels like daggers through the heart, how being in love is total agony... I've felt it and I am feeling it now. I have been in this miserable road over and over again that I think I'm just travelling in circles. There is no escape. I feel like a guinea pig in a wheel. Chasing nothing. Being tired for nothing. Making all that effort for nothing.

I might as well stop cold now. Quit the f***ing pursuit of happiness and quest for f***ing true love. Because it seems, in one way or the other, at a certain point, I will just get a f***ed up pathetic bullcrap consolation prize...

~o0O0o~

And NOW, I wonder to myself. Does it still hurt?

Well, hurting is a relative term. Compared to five months ago, I think I am feeling better now. But that is not to say that I am no longer hurt. For something that has no closure and have been left messy, unapologized for and unforgiven will never ever feel okay... it will always hurt forever. Yes, understanding and acceptance of what happened somewhat pacifies the tortured soul. But not until everything is set right will I be free from the haunting recollections of dreams gone stale.

1 comments:

ivahlicious said...

pain. you can never quantify it. it never heals coz it will always find a way to hurt again... just hurt some more until you can never hurt anymore... i guess there's no escaping it... but we can train ourselves to be either numb or immune to it.