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Thursday, October 02, 2003

The world is a vampire. ~ Smashing Pumpkins

Why does it have to be an effing big deal that it's his birthday today? Birthday my foot. Am I freakin' obliged to greet him?

I have decided last night not to greet him at all. I mean, why bother? But then, his friend pestered me to greet him so that he'll be happy. He must be BS'ing me, I thought. So I said to him: "HAH! I don't think I will, AT ANY RATE, have a bearing whatsoever in his happiness." He replied na 'kala ko lang daw yun. Of course he'd be happy and that he's sure that his friend will be smiling upon reading my message. Yeah right. I have never heard such bull since 9/11.

How can a friend do that to another hurting friend? It's like I am healing with scab wounds now and he just goes, oh goody, why don't I scrape 'em right off! F@#king hurts. Dammit. Why did he have to say that it is the birthday of my "honey" today? Why does he have to say that he is in my (name here)'s house tonight? I mean, fine, he might just be humoring me but hey, at times like this, I don't like taking a joke coz I am not laughing. Kill me now, why don't you?! He is a good friend but I just couldn't help but lash out at him. I told him: Pls. be a friend and stop referring to him as if he's mine coz we have pretty much established that he isn't. Okay? OKAAAY?! Grrrr. >:( And I am about to cry any moment now...

I hate this. Now I'm feeling all shitty once again. All because some friend has so insensitively rubbed it onto my face that it is HIS birthday today. So ladies and gentlemen, the beeeotch in me has come out of hibernation. Pardon me while I burst into flames.

I have contemplated long and hard as to what to say to him when I greet him. Do I say happy birthday with a period or with an exclamation point? With a smiley or without? When do I greet him -- morning, noon or night? Do I say anything else or what? So finally, I texted him around 7-ish when I was on my way home. "Hi. Happy Birthday." Short. Curt. Direct to the point. Without emotion that it sounded so constrained. I was itching to follow it up with " I hope you're happy." but that would just reek with bitterness, won't it. He will definitely smell the burning sarcasm. I was satisfied with my "script". I wanted to get across the message that "hey, I opted not to play a dumbass and pretend that I didn't know it was your birthday... so there. I greeted you. I have done my divine obligation as a human being. Goodbye." It has turned so twistedly hilarious to me when he replied with the same tone and said thanks with a period. Not an exclamation point. No smiley. Har-har.

So end of story, right? We have followed the etiquette. We have civilly responded to each other. Period.

But nooooo. Let us relive the shit, why don't we?! Let's revisit the house of pain. It's his birthday and he'll do whatever he wants to do.

Here he goes texting me again and thanking me coz I remembered his birthday. And he was asking how I was. I didn't reply so he texted me again and asked if I was still up. I never replied. What is the point anyway? And excuse me, isn't it a tad rude to ask me how I was doing after what he did to me? Whoa. Hello?! Excuse me, mister--you do not ever get to ask me how I am after what you did to me. You have no right to ask me how I feel.

Sure. Ultimately, being creatures of God that we are, we of course don't ever want to live our lives here on earth knowing that we have made an enemy out of what had been a relationship. Who wants to live life knowing that somebody out there hates us for what we have done to them? We all want to make peace with ourselves and with the rest of the world. For there is nothing far worse than having to sleep at night thinking that you have been made out as a bad person by this other person that you did not intentionally hurt. Fine. I understand that need. He just needs peace. Don't we all? But when you flip the coin, you would know that it is never easy to forgive and forget. Only a few people have the gift of both forgiving and forgetting. And I belong to the unlucky majority.

I will run through the cliches now: Time heals all wounds. Only time will tell. Forgiving is easy, but forgetting isn't. My only hate sprung from my only love. Or something like those. Pardon me if I messed some of them up. But those are what I could remember for now.

So I tell you now, you just can't force forgiveness out of anyone just like that. You can't expect that all the "sorry"s in the world that you can sincerely say within a finite time frame can magically bridge the gap between persons and make everything all better. Sometimes, you just can't fix things like that. As I have said, I can forgive but I don't think I will ever forget. You can't make me grant you your peace of mind. Sorry, I do not feel obliged to make you feel any better than before you profusely apologized. Whether you say sorry just once or a hundred times, whether you sincerely mean it or not, whether you say it to me personally or you don't, IT DOESN'T CHANGE A THING. What has happened already happened. You cannot undo all the hurt, the pain and the sadness. You cannot make things any better than it is now. There won't be any difference. I do not see the point now. Not just yet. Sorry.