<bgsound src=''></bgsound>

Monday, October 06, 2003


Ok. I understand him now. I finally do. I have heard the explanation which finally makes sense and which didn't sound like BS. So there. I can truly, truly say that I have forgiven him now. No BS on my part. Really.

It's just sad that I was not given a chance to understand all this early on. It would've spared me tons of unnecessary agony.

Before I knew, I had so much hatred and pain in my heart. Primarily, it was this hatred that was preventing me from sincerely forgiving him for what he has done to me. I know I gave him a BS forgiveness the last time. Well this time, it's no bull. I don't know if I should tell him this for his peace of mind. I know my sincere forgiveness will mean a lot to him. So maybe one day, I will.

There is no more hatred in me. It's just the pain that's left here -- a dark, aching void and this pain that kills me everyday everytime I remember.

A friend asked why HE had to be The Person Who Broke My Heart the Baddest. My answer was simple: It was because I really loved him. And the person whom you loved so much will be the only person who can have the power to hurt you really bad. Ergo, it also follows that the intensity of your hate will be just as much as the intensity of your love.

Before his birthday, I thought I have perfectly moved on. I was patting myself for a job well done but then it turns out that, subconsciously, I am still not over and I probably never will be.

Yesterday, I cried. After the morning mass, I went to the adoration chapel to talk to God. During the homily, the priest posed this question: Where does love come from? Does it come from other persons? The answer is NO. For love can only come from God. Because God is love (I know, so cliche isn't it?!). Therefore, I realized that I should not seek love from anybody. The love will not come to them no matter what, if God did not give it to them for the purpose of sharing it to me. It would be utter frustration to yearn for someone then. And so I talked to God. I did not hide from Him my wondering as to why the f@%k I was in such deep sh*t. I wondered if all this misery will never ever end for me. God must have been pretty entertained with my 30-minute melodrama inside the adoration chapel. HAH. Oh well. Nevertheless, I think I heard Him say that He will take care of all this for me. I really, as in really, could not take this anymore coz I am just so tired of fighting this mad game. I think I heard from somewhere that if you really can't take something anymore, let go and let God (hoo-ha! another cliche!). So there. I am letting Him handle this. It's in my outbox and in His inbox.

Que cera, cera.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

~ White Flag, Dido