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Thursday, March 23, 2006


A series of unfortunate events has just happened to my friends -- one had a death in the family and the other one's home got burned down by a fire. I have been depressed lately and having heard these sad news jolted me and made me feel silly about my drama queen self. The thoughts and concerns that have rendered me restless, sleepless and terribly depressed since Monday were so trivial compared to the major upheavals that my dear friends have just experienced. Mine were self-absorbed emo stuff while theirs were things that I'm sure everyone prays to not happen to them. I prayed for my friends & their families and thanked God for sparing me from things like that.


I could not sleep the other day. I aimlessly surfed the net. Got even sadder about seeing the Friendster profiles of some people I have/had an eye for. One apparently has been with his girlfriend for six years or so, the other was celebrating an anniversary, the other one was still in a long distance relationship. And the other one's profile -- MARRIED. The seven letters glaring at me... one of those harsh realities. I sometimes forget that he just got married last year. I'm thinking "Awww. He's gonna be a wonderful dad soon." I am happy for him but when I'm in one of my wistful moments, I just feel so... sad. But I am over him already. There's been closure and stuff like that but, you know, there's always that corner of your heart which certain persons who came in your life will always own forever. Nothing can change that. Your souls made an indelible mark in each other's life at a certain point in time. So inevitably, you will always be a part of each other's history. You're free -- free with a history.

So anyway, I was depressed in that way by the time I got to work yesterday. But alas, God has a sense of humor. He tried to cheer me up. How was I to know that missing breakfast at home would mean that I would be bumping into, umm, someone at the cafeteria when I was gonna buy coffee in a lame attempt to cheer myself up? That helped a bit in pulling me up from the dumps. It's just a stupid nothing-will-ever-happen kind of crush but, oh well, God has humored me that morning. And as I've always suspected, fate always teases me with things I cannot have.

And to cheer me up even more, I finally got my new celfone that same day:) I've been waiting for it since January. It had been taking so long that I even quit anticipating its delivery. And now, I am worrying about transferring my phone book details, mp3s, pictures and saved messages to my new phone. Oh, and I can't wait to download themes!

So yey. I thank God for His little sweet attempts of cheering me up :)


It disturbs me though -- how this certain person and I unexpectedly bump into each other in the strangest times. Is it fate? Is it coincidence? Does sh*t really simply happen? It happened to me again this afternoon. You know how freaky it was? I scheduled my derma appointment today waaay back in late February. This morning, my mom asked me to drop by the Medicard office in Makati Med after my appointment with my derma who was in Medical Plaza (just across Makati Med.) So okay, I had a 1:30pm appointment with my derma. My sched was pushed back considerably coz it was only around after 2pm when I finally had my turn. I think I got to Makati Med around 3pm. Usually, getting a letter of authorization from Medicard took just a jiffy. In my disappointment, I was asked to sit down and wait a bit. I heard them call my name and as I stood up to go inside, I glanced at the hallway. I happened to see a silhouette of a guy walking towards my direction... he was against the light so I really couldn't see his face from that distance but in a split-second, I thought: "F%*#!!! Is that who I think he is?" Anyway, I didn't really wait for the person to get nearer and I just went inside the Medicard office to get the docs. As I was about to go out the door, I saw him pass by quickly. Didn't really see his face. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I ever so slowly peeked out my head from the doorway to check him out. And sh*t of sh*ts, 'turns out he also thought he saw me so he was turning around to take a second look at me that very moment. Kablam. He was indeed who I thought he was. I was stunned. It wasn't exactly perfect timing coz, as I said, I just came from my derma -- freshly-pricked, chemical & diamond-peeled. So basically, he saw me in all my dalmatian-face glory. Great. Just great. Can the ground just open and eat me up? There goes my sweet "revenge" of looking good after all that sh*t we've been through.

He was all smiles. We said our quick hellos. Asked each other what we were doing in Makati Med. After the surprise encounter, I went to the restroom to compose myself. Took my time till I went back to my regular breathing. Then I went out and proceeded to the elevator. And you know how those damn hospital elevators take forever. I was still in a bit of a shock, leaning against the wall while waiting for the friggin' elevator. And then I heard this voice commenting how the elevator must be taking so long. F#%*. It ain't over til it's over. Fate hasn't had its fun yet. So I had no choice but to put up my nonchalant stance. As if we didn't have, umm, bad history. He was smiling like he always is (dammit, he's still cute. he makes white barongs look good...), chatting me up as if we're back to what we used to be. I had to remind myself that I have already given him my forgiveness last January and I am supposed to act okay towards him again. It's a small world coz he happens to work in the bank at Medical Plaza! AND, he knows my derma who happens to be one of their clients! Wow. Hmm. So on my next derma session, me & my beloved derma will have a veeerrry interesting chika to talk about amidst all those painful pricks in the name of vanity.

So there. Fate is *yet again* teasing me with things (or rather, people) I cannot have (people who cannot stay). *sigh* Sometimes I wonder if this is as good as it gets.

Why God, why? Why the heck do I keep bumping into him at the most unexpected times in the weirdest places?


Is this the beginning of our last dance?
Once around the floor can we do it again?


We could've been more
Can we ever have those feelings again?
We should've been more
Maybe in time we'll realize that maybe
that fate reveals the remedies...


sybs said...

" there's always that corner of your heart which certain persons who came in your life will always own forever. Nothing can change that. Your souls made an indelible mark in each other's life at a certain point in time. So inevitably, you will always be a part of each other's history.".. - i like this statement, ate aileen.. so true.. sad pero optimistic pa rin.. wala lang.. :) *hug*

Abbie eXcites said...

Should I even check your Tabulas to verify the identity of the guy? SOBRA na ha! WHY??? I wonder WHY do you keep on bumping into each other. Look and PRAY for answers.

Still in Baguio, I'll pray for you when I visit Cathedral and Pink Sisters. :)


WHY did our blogs became SO dramatic?

ivahlicious said...

it's true what they say that God has a sense of humor, it's called coincidence... just don't put so much meaning into them, coz you're just gonna get sucked in to what-could-have-beens... God is just reminding you how blessed you are. because he keeps letting you bump into people who have once made you smile & gave you reason to smile... right?

~*lilacstardust*~ said...

SYBS: optimistic ba? weh. more like uhh, resignation to inevitable reality lang ;-)

ABBIE: why oh why oh why? ayoko nang isipin. nakakapagod lang eh:-( and with things like this, i can't seem to discern between my own voice of wishful thinking and god's voice inside my head. tsk, tsk.

why did our blogs become so dramatic? don't ask me, ask those damned guys! hahaha! :p

IVAH: yeah, i know i should avoid putting meaning into those little coincidences precisely because i don't wanna be a slave of those what-could-have-beens ;-)

"he keeps letting you bump into people who have once made you smile & gave you reason to smile... right?" ermm. "once made me smile" = right! but NOW, umm, he doesn't really give me any reason to smile. it just makes it harder to get over someone if you keep seeing them sporadically without warning. and it drives me crazy thinking why the hell i keep bumping into him! *sigh*

Carlo said...

Just browsing around. Grabe,ganda ng story a.simula pa lang, napabasa na ako hanggang huli. Well, tama ka nga. God always teases us with things we can't have, pero ganyan talaga e. Maybe God did that with a purpose; although not for the purpose of giving you a "chance" with him (certainly not,dba married na sya?). Cguro tuwing makikita mo sya e maaalala nyo ung nakaraan, pero consider it a blessing(like the rest who commented here),kasi konti lang ang nakakakita sa dati nilang mahal after all those years. keep on blogging sister!(by the way,i just bookmarked your site,really looking forward on ur blog!)

~*lilacstardust*~ said...

hi carlo! thanks for the kind words :) anyway, he's not the one who's married. this guy's still single but umm attached.

thanks for "bookmarking" me. it would be great to read your comments here and there :)