~* WASTED TIME *~

Is it all just wasted time?
Can you look at yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

Is it all just wasted time?
Can you live with yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

~ Wasted Time, Skid Row


I was supposed to write you a letter days ago, but I did not know what to write. I still do not know now. But heck, I have to write this friggin' letter and get it over with. *Ugh, kill me now, why don't you.*

And I'm doing this because...??? And my point was...??? For my peace of mind? Right. As if giving you these forsaken blogs will make a difference. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I honestly don't think this will magically make my life any freakin better than it is. Mmmm. Smell the burning sarcasm. Deeee-leee-shuz. Try it. I subsist on it everyday.

No, seriously, I am a mess. I'm just making an entertainment out of the suckiness of it all.

I do not intend to be mad. I loved you. How can I be freakin mad at you then? That would contradict my feelings now, wouldn't it. I feel bad about thinking you're a jerk. But hey, give me some credit. It was you who walked away, wasn't it?

Now I can't help but think... Why did I choose you over T2 then? He was so sincere. He so wanted to try again. He said the words I so wanted to hear. But why the freakin hell did I choose to fall for you? I'd hate to think I made a mistake but you made yourself be a mistake all on your own. I wasn't even judging you for pete's sake. But you made this sweeping decision to abandon me just like that. Now tell me if I don't have the right to call you a jerk.


So true
Funny how it seems
Always in time
But never in line for dreams.

~ True, Spandau Ballet


Sometimes I think there's not even a point to this at all. I have written too many words these past three months that I can't find any other words at all now. I am just risking to be redundant. Well, at any rate, there are no more words to say how I feel. I don't know what to feel anymore. You know I love you but I just can't take this. *Excuse me while I switch off my drama queen mode. LOL. Sorry, I did not mean to be OA.*



Coz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
Sorry, I can't be perfect.
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
Sorry, I can't be perfect.

~ Perfect, Simple Plan

~*Kiss The Rain*~

Isn't it sad that when you have so much pain in your heart, the only person you want to talk to who can stop your crying is exactly the same person who made you cry?



I was dancing
with your shadow
Slow down memories hall
I said wait
Have I been seduced and forgotten
You said baby, haven't we all

Now I don't like crying
Coz it only gets me wet
But I can't help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know it's gonna be a long time

~ Crying Like a Church on a Monday, New Radicals


You called yesterday
to basically say
that you care for me but that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly
and led you to believe I was okay to just walk away
from the one thing that's unyielding and sacred to me.

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
coz I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise till I go home at night
and turn down all the lights
and then I break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're so devoted to
suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
and sing I will survive
Do you lash out and say
How dare you leave me this way
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?

~ Breakdown, Mariah Carey


This is chapter four. Chapter one lasted for 6 years. Two for about 3 years. Three lasted for a year or so. This one? I dunno. Will it end? Will it last? I'd like to know right now but I fear the answer... But fear is something I can probably overcome. Whether I like it or not. Coz it's better to hurt knowing the cold truth than to be blindedly hurt about something I was not given a chance to understand. However, in contrast, pain is something I simply cannot overcome in a snap. It'll take years. Again. Damn, damn, damn. I so hate this crap.



Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?

Hello
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?

Cause I'm
Tryin' to explain
Somethin's wrong
You just don't sound the same

Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone, too long.

If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.

Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you
If you feel
You can't wait till mornin'
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missin' you

What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind
In my mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain

~ Kiss the Rain, Billie Myers


Lots of things remind me. The rain, the crescent moon, the damn billboards, poster ads, newspaper ads every-freakin-where << ! >>, certain songs, certain people, the terminal, the shuttle, the food, chopsticks...



I knew it'd be like this someday
Turns out someday's not so far away
And now I'm falling down
I know you'd catch me but you're not around

So when it's all unraveled at the end of my rope
Would you burn it on the side?
And it won't be easy but I'll do my best
When it's time to say goodbye

~ Unraveled, Rockwell Ryan

~* I Shall Believe*~

Sheryl Crow hums in the tormented recesses of my soul tonight... Sad, sad night still. As always... Every night is still a torture to live by. God, I feel like hell tonight...

God I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man...


Well , nothing's true , and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man...


Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
Don't leave...


I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man..


When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man..
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave.


~ Strong Enough*, Sheryl Crow


* This used to be my T2 song. Now it's my goddamn Hero song. Aaaackkk. 'Just goes to show how I managed to get hit by the damn lightning twice at the same place. Now isn't that just peachy or what. *fake grin*




Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe


I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe


That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe


Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key


Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

~ I Shall Believe, Sheryl Crow



I think I have totally lost faith in everything I deluded myself to believe in. Goddamn fairytales. Oh f*ck it. That never happens.

I thought last year: I have grown tired of waiting and searching. Gave up on love. I've set myself up for disappointment so that there will be less tears, less pain when the thing I fear most actually happens.

Now why is there still so much tears and so much pain right now? I thought I have braced myself for this emotional sh*thole. But dammit, I can never give myself a real good fake pep talk to turn me into a fake strong person. Coz I am not. And I guess I never will be ever strong for love. I am a victim of my own weakness. Walking wounded alone.

This is turning out longer than I expected...



It was inside that I cried
No long drawn out speeches
No sad tear solves goodbye
It was inside that I cried
Don't be deceived by what you saw
It was inside that I cried.


~ Inside that I Cried


Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me

~ Man on the Side, John Mayer



Stop, World. I wanna get off. Like, right now.

~*This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday*~

"This will all make perfect sense someday... I'll be A-OK... This will all make sense someday... There's got to be a reason for the rain." ~ John Mayer



I heard this line in an old song:

I do recall that every moment spent was wasted time.


And it made me sad because what it said seemed so true. Was it really just wasted time indeed? I'm afraid that the answer is yes. Everything was left in mid-air. Forsaken. Forgotten.

I will never ever understand what happened. It's just so sad how things turned out. More than anything else, it is really saddening.

Now, I have learned that men like him never ever come back. And uncertainty eats your heart and soul away. And so you forget how you have loved someone before. But then again, who am I to say that he really called that love? Maybe that was never love at all. Maybe that was just an unconscious selfish need to fill the hole -- a temporary relief to a broken heart and a failed relationship. Love on the rebound. And I had willingly let myself be the victim.

I don't get it. Why am I always the freakin victim? What have I done in my past life that made me deserve this recurring, life-long emotional torture? I am so tired of the cold lonely nights, of crying myself to sleep, of trying to exhaustingly rationalize everything that has happened, of torturing myself with playbacks that haunt my head when I see, hear or smell something even remotely reminiscent of him.

It's almost two months now. I think it's time to force myself to accept the fact that things have failed miserably again. I will forever walk this earth alone. The person I counted on, the one whom I thought was God's birthday gift to me, the one who made me so happy, the one who said he was in love with me, who asked if he can have me, who asked for hugs and kisses, who said he missed me so much everyday, who wished he was wherever I was, who said he always thought of me at work, in his sleep, everyday, who promised to always make me smile and to always be by my side in troubled times, who offered his shoulder for me to cry on anytime, who told me not to worry coz he was true to me, who said he was different from the rest of his friends -- he had walked away. One day he was just gone. Just like that. He hesitated to move forward. He turned around, walked away and never came back. He made up his mind and walked away.


She was only seventeen
Pretty young it seems for her dreams they seemed
She was eager in love, it showed
Everybody knows how the story was told
But it changed
She didn't know he needed her
So she walked away when she should have stayed

She was only one mile from paradise
She was only one mile away
She was only one mile from paradise
The love was right but it did not last, he slipped away

The pain of losing was much to bear
She should have shown how much she cared
I would have given my life for her love
But I'm too far away from her pouring touch
With all my heart convinced her, I tried
But she walked away when she should have stayed

She was only one mile from paradise
She was only one mile away
She was only one mile from paradise
The love was right but it did not last, he slipped away.

~ One Mile From Paradise, Keith Martin


Sometimes I just want to ask him in the middle of the night: Hey, are we just never gonna talk to each other ever again? Is this how it ends? Just like that? We'll just let it go down in history just like that?

Wouldn't that be such an ugly thing to remember? When people ask me (for the nth time!) what happened, I'll say: Yay, I dunno. He just walked away one day.

Every moment spent was wasted time...

Believe me, it would have been a bit more easier to take if he at least bothered to say why. It's just so unfair. I have asked him to help me understand what's going on and all he did was just to quietly vanish into thin air. He never offered any explanation. I don't freakin care what his friend says of his reasons why he did that. I want to hear it straight from him. God, he can't even be man enough to say those things to my face. It's just so unfair. So unfair. Why is he judging himself when I am not even judging him? He just decided for himself and did not even take my feelings into consideration.

So sad. He will go down in my personal, pathetic history up there...at the top of my list: The One Who Broke My Heart the Baddest. It wouldn't even be T2, ITY, or WAK. (At least for those, I knew what went wrong.) I swear, it would be him. And the worst part is that I couldn't really understand why he had to break my heart like that.


I put you first in my life, you brought the worst to my life
See I'm tired of playing games with you just like a child
You had every opportunity to give me your smile
I can't do this no more
How you broke me before
I just can't be around you and let you hurt me anymore

Everytime I'm around you I let down my guard
So when I come around you I cover my heart
If I let you in again you'd only tear me apart
I don't want to do it again, I don't want to love you again
Can't be around you

How could I consider taking you back again?
I trusted you and I'm bitter, I loved you more than I can
I put you first in my life, you brought the worst in my life

Anything you needed I was there for you
There was nothing I would not do
How could you leave me standing all alone?
Knowing I could not do this on my own

~ Around You, Brownstone



I wonder if he can go to sleep at night with a peaceful mind. I would call the world unfair if he did. Try going to bed with your head swirling with thoughts while you are trying so hard to figure out what went wrong. As you seek for the answer, you start remembering a lot of memories -- happy memories. And then you end up feeling this aching pain -- this terrible, literal pain in your heart. It's feels like a dagger through your heart that you just wish you won't ever wake up the next day if only not to feel that pain all over again. But then, you realize that God isn't exactly too keen on granting death wishes. Bummer. You just can't take the emotional torture anymore so you settle with crying yourself to sleep... Hoping that someday this will all be over. That someday, all this crap will finally make sense. After all, there's got to be a reason for the rain.


This coulda been a slow song
A laundry list of all the wrongs
But at the end of the day
This is my beautiful disaster piece I've made
and it goes in a quote it will never be like this.

~ This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday, John Mayer

~*SQUARE ONE*~


I'm back to square one then. After all that artificial bliss of watching Rockwell Ryan and Dain Samuelson perform, I am back to the normalcy of being depressed again. Dammit. This just makes me shake my head... How being depressed has been such a life-long unwelcome path for me. I would want to believe that I have become strong after every damn heartbreak that the world has dumped on my end... That at least there is some sane, divine purpose in all this crap I'm getting. But no... I can never be strong even for my own sake. I can never learn to be genuinely strong and pick myself up. I can only pretend to be brave about it sometimes. At the end of the day, when I lie awake at night, sadness always find me. I guess this is because I have always loved with all my heart -- and that is the tragedy I have to bear.