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Monday, August 04, 2003

~*This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday*~

"This will all make perfect sense someday... I'll be A-OK... This will all make sense someday... There's got to be a reason for the rain." ~ John Mayer

I heard this line in an old song:

I do recall that every moment spent was wasted time.

And it made me sad because what it said seemed so true. Was it really just wasted time indeed? I'm afraid that the answer is yes. Everything was left in mid-air. Forsaken. Forgotten.

I will never ever understand what happened. It's just so sad how things turned out. More than anything else, it is really saddening.

Now, I have learned that men like him never ever come back. And uncertainty eats your heart and soul away. And so you forget how you have loved someone before. But then again, who am I to say that he really called that love? Maybe that was never love at all. Maybe that was just an unconscious selfish need to fill the hole -- a temporary relief to a broken heart and a failed relationship. Love on the rebound. And I had willingly let myself be the victim.

I don't get it. Why am I always the freakin victim? What have I done in my past life that made me deserve this recurring, life-long emotional torture? I am so tired of the cold lonely nights, of crying myself to sleep, of trying to exhaustingly rationalize everything that has happened, of torturing myself with playbacks that haunt my head when I see, hear or smell something even remotely reminiscent of him.

It's almost two months now. I think it's time to force myself to accept the fact that things have failed miserably again. I will forever walk this earth alone. The person I counted on, the one whom I thought was God's birthday gift to me, the one who made me so happy, the one who said he was in love with me, who asked if he can have me, who asked for hugs and kisses, who said he missed me so much everyday, who wished he was wherever I was, who said he always thought of me at work, in his sleep, everyday, who promised to always make me smile and to always be by my side in troubled times, who offered his shoulder for me to cry on anytime, who told me not to worry coz he was true to me, who said he was different from the rest of his friends -- he had walked away. One day he was just gone. Just like that. He hesitated to move forward. He turned around, walked away and never came back. He made up his mind and walked away.

She was only seventeen
Pretty young it seems for her dreams they seemed
She was eager in love, it showed
Everybody knows how the story was told
But it changed
She didn't know he needed her
So she walked away when she should have stayed

She was only one mile from paradise
She was only one mile away
She was only one mile from paradise
The love was right but it did not last, he slipped away

The pain of losing was much to bear
She should have shown how much she cared
I would have given my life for her love
But I'm too far away from her pouring touch
With all my heart convinced her, I tried
But she walked away when she should have stayed

She was only one mile from paradise
She was only one mile away
She was only one mile from paradise
The love was right but it did not last, he slipped away.

~ One Mile From Paradise, Keith Martin

Sometimes I just want to ask him in the middle of the night: Hey, are we just never gonna talk to each other ever again? Is this how it ends? Just like that? We'll just let it go down in history just like that?

Wouldn't that be such an ugly thing to remember? When people ask me (for the nth time!) what happened, I'll say: Yay, I dunno. He just walked away one day.

Every moment spent was wasted time...

Believe me, it would have been a bit more easier to take if he at least bothered to say why. It's just so unfair. I have asked him to help me understand what's going on and all he did was just to quietly vanish into thin air. He never offered any explanation. I don't freakin care what his friend says of his reasons why he did that. I want to hear it straight from him. God, he can't even be man enough to say those things to my face. It's just so unfair. So unfair. Why is he judging himself when I am not even judging him? He just decided for himself and did not even take my feelings into consideration.

So sad. He will go down in my personal, pathetic history up the top of my list: The One Who Broke My Heart the Baddest. It wouldn't even be T2, ITY, or WAK. (At least for those, I knew what went wrong.) I swear, it would be him. And the worst part is that I couldn't really understand why he had to break my heart like that.

I put you first in my life, you brought the worst to my life
See I'm tired of playing games with you just like a child
You had every opportunity to give me your smile
I can't do this no more
How you broke me before
I just can't be around you and let you hurt me anymore

Everytime I'm around you I let down my guard
So when I come around you I cover my heart
If I let you in again you'd only tear me apart
I don't want to do it again, I don't want to love you again
Can't be around you

How could I consider taking you back again?
I trusted you and I'm bitter, I loved you more than I can
I put you first in my life, you brought the worst in my life

Anything you needed I was there for you
There was nothing I would not do
How could you leave me standing all alone?
Knowing I could not do this on my own

~ Around You, Brownstone

I wonder if he can go to sleep at night with a peaceful mind. I would call the world unfair if he did. Try going to bed with your head swirling with thoughts while you are trying so hard to figure out what went wrong. As you seek for the answer, you start remembering a lot of memories -- happy memories. And then you end up feeling this aching pain -- this terrible, literal pain in your heart. It's feels like a dagger through your heart that you just wish you won't ever wake up the next day if only not to feel that pain all over again. But then, you realize that God isn't exactly too keen on granting death wishes. Bummer. You just can't take the emotional torture anymore so you settle with crying yourself to sleep... Hoping that someday this will all be over. That someday, all this crap will finally make sense. After all, there's got to be a reason for the rain.

This coulda been a slow song
A laundry list of all the wrongs
But at the end of the day
This is my beautiful disaster piece I've made
and it goes in a quote it will never be like this.

~ This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday, John Mayer