~* ONE HELLUVA LONG YEAR-ENDER POST *~

'Been seeing year-end surveys all over blogland. I combined Abbie's and Mika's year-end posts (I tweaked some questions though) for this year-end entry of mine...

What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done?
Gone reggae-dancing wearing tank tops/sleeveless tops all the time

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yup, Ajie with her twins (one of 'em is my godchild)

What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
THE ONE

What date/s from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory?
Not too good with dates. Anyway, since I'm a big music fan (NO MUSIC, NO LIFE!), it was ecstacy for me to watch such big foreign acts like Jason Mraz, Incubus (ULTIMATE!!! BRANDON BOYD ROOOOCKS!), and Linkin Park

Okay, one date... quite recent: Dec. 4/5. Basta.

Did you suffer an illness or injury?
I will forever be asthmatic. Dang. If not that, it's upper respiratory tract infection. gaaaah. my lungs are too depressed to breathe nicely.

What was the best thing you bought?
thingS.... My Nokia 6230 kicks ass! I love personalizing it with my mp3 ringtones.
DVDs (albeit pirated mostly. so sue me.): El Crimen del Padre Amaro, My Life Without Me
CDs: Love Actually soundtrack, Maroon5's Songs About Jane
Great kikay find: Body Shop's Born Lippy strawberry lip balm

Where did most of your money go?
DVDs, CDs, prepaid internet card, books bought from Powerbooks, insane sporadic shopping splurges in Mango and Terranova, shoes, bags

What did you get really, really excited about?
CERTAIN weekend gimmicks during the latter part of the year

What song will always remind you of 2004?
You Won't See Me Crying by Passage

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? still a friggin drama queen
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner. huhuhu. I WANT to gain weight please!
iii. Richer or poorer? richer, I guess

What do you wish you'd done more?
Save moolah; Smiling, laughing and being genuinely happy

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Going shopping when feeling depressed; Crying and being in drama queen mode; Having my heart broken

Did you fall in love in 2004?
I think that's why I AM like THIS now.

What were your favorite TV programs?
Sex and the City (I will always be a fan of the Aidan, Big and Berger - Carrie stories), Punk'd, Amazing Race (I had a crush on Colin and Brandon!), That 70's Show (Ashton's adorable but I am strangely attracted to Wilmer Valderama after seeing how hot he is when he is NOT being loser "Fez" (sp?) )

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. But wonderfully, I DON'T hate now this someone whom I hated last year.

What was the best book you read?
By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho

What were your great musical discoveries?
my beloved AKAfellas, Brownman Revival, Stonefree, Maroon5

What were your favorite films of this year?
Before Sunset, Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, Love Actually, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, My Life Without Me, 50 First Dates (some of these are probably not 2004 films but I got to watch them this year)

What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I think I just blogged my miseries that day I turned 26 (CHECK MY APRIL 2004 ARCHIVE). I remember my birthday song was Alicia Keys' If I Ain't Got You. Oh, but at least there's a happy part... I went to the 'fellas' gig in the now closed-down Dish in Power Plant. Teena, Lucia, Mika were with me that night. And holy cow, Robi and the rest of the guys called me and my co-birthday celebrant Maika to the stage that night. And therefore, my birthday song that night was a makabagbag-damdaming Bongga Ka Day. *bow*

Who/what kept you sane?
My Forces of Nature gals: Abbie, Charo, Tin, Mitzi and Ivy; blogging; the AKAfellas gigs and the Brownman Revival gigs at Xaymaca; my drama queen soundtrack CDs/mp3s

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Brandon Boyd, Gael Garcia Bernal and his art films, Scott Speedman

What political issue stirred you the most?
I am shamefully apathetic. So sue me.

Who do you miss?
Right NOW? Ask my Forces gals, they'll give you one name.

Who was the best new person you met?
personS: the AKAfellas, the AKAkadas

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Love with caution.


****PLACES:

PLACE YOU HUNG OUT MOST IN THIS YEAR: most of the time I vegetated in my room in front of my PC; Dish; Xaymaca

FAVORITE NEW PLACE YOU DISCOVERED: Xaymaca

FAVORITE VACATION SPOT FOR THE YEAR: Plantation Bay, Cebu


****PEOPLE:

PERSON WHO TAUGHT YOU A LOT THIS YEAR: Abbie

AN OLD FRIEND YOU REDISCOVERED THIS YEAR: Kaloy

PERSON WHO TOLD YOU THE NICEST THING ABOUT YOURSELF: my AKAkada friends who said that I'm a sweet person in their Friendster testimonials to me. I am actually surprised coz I didn't really consider myself to be sweet!

PERSON WHO DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR YOU AND WHAT: Abbie will always back me up and cover my ass whenever I stupidly fall in/out of love.

PERSON YOU SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH THIS YEAR: the AKAkadas in the early part of the year; my sister during our reggae Friday nights during the latter part of the year

PERSON YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR AND WHAT: hmm. my drama queen answer would be: the person(s) whom I love(d) and silently suffered for.

SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU TALKED TO THIS YEAR: Maco

SOMEONE WHOM YOU STARTED A GREAT NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH THIS YEAR: the AKAkadas: Teena, Tere, Mika, June, Sybil, Lucia, Hogi, Peachy, Mic, Rommel, Kuya Baloux, Glenda, Anne, Sarah, Arlene; the AKAfellas (more of Robi, Reubs, Pau, Jhett)

OLD ENEMY/S YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR: "Peace na kami DAPAT dba?" quote from last night ;)

SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR: gaaah. How can you lose someone who was never yours in the first place?

PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR: ayayayay.

PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST: Tin during our YM chats; DJ Myke and his crazy antics onstage

PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY: two guys for ALMOST the same reason

****STUFF:

CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE THE MOST THIS YEAR: hello, business attire 5 days a week. gaah. 3/4 sleeves, cardigan and tank tops, butt-clingy pants;)

NICEST PRESENT YOU GOT THIS YEAR: 64MB i-omega USB flash drive whatchamacallit from my officemate

FAVORITE SONG FOR THE YEAR: She Will Be Loved by Maroon5

COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR: Incubus' A Crow Left Of the Murder tour- Manila leg

NEW HOBBY YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR: digital photography and Adobe Photoshop brushin'

FAVORITE FOOD OF THE YEAR: The Original Jamaican patties (beefy tomato or beefy mushroom)... the one in old Greenbelt

****LESSONS

WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR: stuck to my work and delivered my best; saved a bit; did not go into a relationship just for the sake of having one

STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR: i'm always a hopeless romantic. i'm a stupid slave of love. i fall in love easily and I love too deeply. ay such drama!

BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR: I think I've learned to be braver... I guess I deal with emotional stuff now better than last year. older and wiser as they say...

BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR: controlling my spending and trying to be "financially-responsible"

SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY: that sometimes, when men go into their so-called caves, they never come back. they're not always like a rubber band that comes back to you after spending time away from you. So much for the MARS AND VENUS theories :(

GREATEST LESSON/S YOU LEARNED THIS YEAR ABOUT:
A. LOVE –Loving someone can be such a battle but you should know what you're getting into in the first place. Thus, you should be prepared to fight, to surrender, to be broken, to be scarred.

B. LIFE – Not all Delamar wants, Delamar gets. Same here!

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR: the non-existent, lifeless love life *LOL*

BIGGEST BLESSING OF THE YEAR: my friends - for the emotional support

BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD: that the world doesn't stop for your grief sistah!

BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL: music can bring people together!

To my dear friends (old and new), I'll always be thankful for you are a blessing in my life. Each of you has a purpose in my life --whether grand, life-altering lessons or simple little things... you have been a part of my 2004 and I hope we'll all remain friends for all the years to come... :)

~* WELCOME BACK TIN! *~

Went out with Abbie and Tin (welcome baaaaack!) (she came back here after working for almost 2 (?) years in Beijing, China). Charo was supposed to be with us but she couldn't get out of the party where she was in :( (we missed u gurl! we got tipsy na and all, hindi ka pa rin nakahabol. huhuhu...)

Anyway, so the 3 of us had dinner at CPK in ATC. We just ordered the Asian Chicken salad (my fave in CPK!) and spaghettini. Felt too bloated afterwards that we didn't get to finish our food. We had to have half the plate of the salad wrapped for take-home. We proceeded to Westgate where Abbie bought three (?) dozens of GoNuts Donuts for her mom. We then hung out in this new place called Lanai Red and we ordered a bottle of red wine. Yeah, we three ladies finished one bottle ;) We sat outside (chilly December air!) and talked, talked, talked... analyzed and over-analyzed things ;) Typical of us! Oh and of course, we have pictures! :P

shots from my digicam...


shots from abbie's fone... my solo shot was from tin's fone. whatdahell, who are we kidding here... they both have exactly the same model of sony ericsson fone!:P

'Had a wonderful night, girls! I loved our crazy/serious/closet-bastos conversations! *mwah*hugz* I luv u gals! :) Thanks for putting up with my drama queen act!:P

~* MMFF AWARDS NIGHT *~

Attended the 30th Metro Manila Film Festival awards night yesterday, Dec 29th at Aliw Theater, CCP Complex. As usual, we sponsored the Best Cinematography award (which was bagged by Ely Cruz for the movie Panaghoy sa Suba). The invite said 6pm so we went there around 6:45pm assuming that the show would start at 7pm. But gaaaahd, it started 8pm... so there we were--in our flimsy formal dresses, freezing our butts off in the north pole-ish room temperature in Aliw Theater. Dammit, we forgot to bring our flannel blankets!

Star-gazing as usual. We were seated where the Panaghoy sa Suba people were that's why I saw Cesar Montano and Sunshine Cruz up close. Sunshine and her magnificently fluffy Carrie Bradshaw-ish frou-frou skirt had to pass in front of us so Cesar was saying gracious apologies to us as they passed. I swear, if the other dude wasn't holding down and "restraining" the wildly fluffy skirt of Sunshine, we would have found our faces buried in ruffles!

G Toengi was in a classic/old Hollywood-inspired white gown with matching fur. I pity the animal that was killed for that fur though. The glassy eyes of the poor furred creature was staring at me sadly from a distance as she passed by. I suppose G Toengi's outfit was the counterpart of Bjork's infamous swan outfit from the Oscars (?).

If I had to add somebody in my list of annoying people, it would have to be the Jaboom Twins. Good gaaaahd. Why did they have to be the hosts of the red carpet thing?! Sorry but I just do not see an ounce of class from those annoying shampoo twins. Their bloopers: in saying "www" = dobolyu-dobolyu-dobolyu... and "eight filmS entries". Gaaaaahd. Appalling.

Anyway, enough of my biatching, here are the pix:

the spectacular lights of the stage


the hosts: Judy Ann Santos, Jomari Yllana and Marvin Agustin; the performers: Jessa Zaragoza and Sunshine Cruz, G Toengi and others; Christian Bautista, Sarah Geronimo and Mark Bautista; the presenters: Rainier and Yasmin(sp?), Mark and Jennalyn (sp?), Paolo Paraiso and Juliana Palermo, Boots Anson-Roa and Richard Gutierrez (such an ODD combination! so awkward!), Rica Peralejo, Dennis Trillo and Iza Calzado; the winners: Best Child Performer Ella Guevarra (Sigaw) flanked by presenters Mark Bautista and Sarah Geronimo, Sunshine Cruz accepting the award on behalf of Rebecca Lusterio (Panaghoy sa Suba) for Best Supporting Actress, Best Actor Christopher de Leon (Mano Po 3), Best Actress Vilma Santos (Mano Po 3), Best Supporting Actor Dennis Trillo (Aishite Imasu), Best Director Cesar Montano (Panaghoy Sa Suba) and Mother Lily for Best Picture Mano Po 3.


I congratulated Dennis Trillo as I passed by his table during dinner and asked for a souvenir shot. Fine, fine... let's call this my jologs picture of the night! :P Ah basta, he's such a cutie! :P I didn't care to have a pic with Vilma Santos and Christopher de Leon even if they were right smack in front of me. I'm contented na with my Dennis Trillo pic ;)

~*NOW PLAYING: Over and Over by Nelly feat. Tim McGraw *~

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it, yeah, I can't shake it
No

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she's leaving
Oh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that you would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keeps playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh
I think she's leaving
Oh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Now that I've realized that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I lock it down
Oh, I can't go on not loving you

~* FEELS LIKE I'M WAGING AN INVISIBLE WAR... *~

Invisible war, seems we're fighting an invisible war
Strained maneuvres, keeping silent score
In this invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
Both wishing it was like before
In this invisible war

Talk about a fine line between love and hate
We've lost more than our direction of late
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
We've never been lovers and now we're not even friends

In this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

It wounded deeply the scar is here to stay
Opening up at all the little things I do and say
You always want things to be as before
So I make you angry and you bleed a little more

In this invisible war, seems that we're waging an invisible war
Everyday I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

Want to go away, I still love you
Got to go away, I always love you
Got to be away, Time heals all wounds.

Invisible war.

~ Julia Fordham

~* PLEASE GOD... *~

I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't sleep right now either.

Please God, please. Please help make this work. I'm so tired of all the screw ups. I soooo want this to work.

So near yet so far.

Seems I'm waging an invisible war. ~ Julia Fordham

When all the stars were falling, I reached up like you said. All the stars were falling and one hit me in the head. And I fell down, down, down. I fell down. ~ Lisa Loeb

So what is this weather, what is this darkness?
Why do I feel so alone? ~ Lisa Loeb

It's like, I have no right to ask him how he feels. Who am I to him anyway? I am not the center of his universe. I don't want to make an ass of myself. I've been in that road before. I have no right, I have no right... I have to freakin' say this over and over to myself. This is crazy. But I would embrace all this craziness if my wager would one day finally be replaced with certainty and happiness.

It's like, I can't even say that I miss him terribly and that I wish he was here with me. Who am I to say that? I have no right.

~* XMAS JUNGLE FEVER! *~

'Had our company Christmas party yesterday night. Twas held in our very own cafeteria which was magically transformed into a jungle -- complete with dried leaves, trees and flowing water on the side. Most of the employees were dressed in safari-inspired outfits and jungle animal costumes. We hired two face painters so most of us had our faces painted to match our outfits.

me, my purrfectly painted face and my velvet catsuit!


the Entertainment Imaging team (we sell motion picture films). we gals borrowed our costumes from Viva Entertainment. last photo: me, bianx, ed, vic and jane.


i'm gonna miss this boss of mine! buddy is my boss for my other dept. - Digital & Applied Imaging (we sell digicams & inkjet paper). he's pursuing greener pasture by end of this month. left photo: buddy, me and vic.


with edwin who used to be with Entertainment Imaging. he's with the consumer group now.


with gizelle in our FHM-ish pose :P


the three felines of the night with, ermm, the Lion King :P
with pam (left) and jane (right).


with other party animals!
clockwise: (1) with luigi, wilma, ge and rico; (2) with darius, michelle, sheryl, joan and wena; (3) with evelyn; (4) with razel and yeyette.

~ * GOING TO THE LOOP FOR DUMMIES *~

After our product launch at MyCinema Greenbelt, I commuted to DISH (at ABS-CBN's The Loop) for the first time *gasp* (In the past, I usually met up with Teena and the rest of the gals at Shangri La mall...) So anyway, I asked my officemates how to get there via MRT. Holy cow, it's soooo nakakawindang to ride the MRT! Way too many people in one square meter. Gaaaah. I went to the MRT station near SM Makati and caught a train to Quezon Ave from there. When I went down at the Quezon Ave., I had totally no idea which direction of the street I was supposed to hail a cab. Twas hard to get a cab on the street where I stood (I haven't the faintest idea which street that was... I supposed it was an intersection of Quezon Ave and ermmm, EDSA???? I dunno :P) so I crossed the street and went to the opposite side of the road. After a coupla minutes more, I successfully hailed a cab. 'Nyeta, one turn lang pala, ABS CBN na eh. Funny. I thought ABS was on the other side of the street. Hayyy. I should have read something like Going to The Loop (ABS CBN) for Dummies. :P

Met Mika and Sybs at Starbucks first. Met their cool AA English teacher Karen. Greeted Robi inside Starbucks. Hung out with Mika, Sybs and Karen til past 9pm at Starbucks. We proceeded to Dish and met up with Tere and her lovely "couple" friends Mina & Topey. Greeted birthday girl Tita Sherbet inside Dish. Rhada (sp?) performed during the first set and the Akafellas during the second set. Teena and Hogi arrived later on. Hitched a ride to Alabang with a very sleepy Pau (we dropped off Jhett to his house somewhere in, hmm, I dunno where the heck that was! haha!). Got home around 1:30am.

Peechur, peechur... ;)

(1) me, mika and sybs with her glamorous pearls; (2) mika, sybs and me at the ladies' room *LOL*; (3) topey, mina and the very posh tere
Dang! I didn't get the note that said "Come in all-glam outfit" ;)


the fellas sans ikey (who was still sick *aww*) and roger (who had a san mig gig, i think...)


INSIDE THE LITTLE ARTISTS' ROOM @ DISH...
(1) karl, tere, myke, jhett, me and reubs (reubs, oist, wala akong bilbil and flabby arms, okei?! tama na ang pag-pinch!:P); (2) hogi, pau and me; (3) robi (trying the tough-guy image, hehe) me and pau; (4) teena, robi, hogi, me, pau and jhett

Kooky/fun shots: (1) pau, hogi and teena; (2) teena and jhett

~* I KNOW WHO I WANT TO TAKE ME HOME *~

let my eyes speak
of my love: hear them.
the tenderness of my touch
is saying something: listen.

there are no words,
i find no words.
with you i turn mute.

you must listen.
listen to my quiet
listen to my hush
and be deafened by my feeling.

~ mila reyes garcia

~* I DUNNO IF THIS IS GOOD OR BAD... *~

*WARNING: incoherent/random thoughts up ahead... this post may not make sense but I just find comfort in seeing the words on my PC monitor.

***********

I am so scatter-brained these days. I'm restless. I'm anxious. I feel fidgety. I feel "sabog". It's like I'm floating. Like an out-of-body experience. I feel like wandering aimlessly onto an empty long quiet road. I seem to have lost my sanity overnight. I don't even feel I am fully HERE right now. I feel lost. It's like i'm crashing into something I cannot even see. It's like tossing and turning while trying to fall asleep... but I sooo wanna keep awake because I want to think, think, think and overanalyze the shit out of certain things.

Did I unconsciously send out a wish to the universe that I want this to happen to me? Is this upheaval in my life my own doing? Ahh. God is such a tease. He likes to give me "previews" of things that I am not even certain if He is EVER giving to me. I have been resigned to the thought that He won't. Maybe not in this lifetime. I want to think that the glass is half-empty rather than half-full so that I won't feel sorry for myself if it NEVER gets filled up EVER. They say "expect the worst" didn't they? I've set myself up for disappointment so that there will be less tears and less pain when the thing I fear most actually happens. What's the point of "positive thinking" if you're just bound to be hurt anyway? It would break your heart more if you put your eggs in one basket and if you have been on a "close-your-eyes-while-fervently-praying" mode and then nothing really ever happens. I would at least try to be very very brave as if my life depended on it. My lips might quiver a bit with fear and I might get teary-eyed as I hold my tears back. But I swear, I will try to be very brave til the end of this all.

***********

I stay awake and I want you by my side...


***********

Smashing Pumpkin's Landslide is on loop mode right now...

Mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

I took my love and I took down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in a snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down.


***********

Arggghhh. This is torture. I wish I knew how this ends. If this turns out to be another battle, I'd rather walk away right now.

Gaaah. I am friggin digging my own grave YET AGAIN. Good job, Self! Good job! *smell the burning sarcasm* Tsk, tsk. You even freakin' downloaded the song from Kazaa the other night. TSK, TSK!!! Crazy, crazy girl. I have been listening to the song over and over. Even singing to it. Oh f#@%. Screw PLAN A of NOT falling into the pit of crapdom. I am stupid, sorta uncontrollable and blind when it comes to these things. So sue me.

This is pathetic. I am fully aware of what I should not do yet I still fail to stop myself from doing it! Mind over heart, girl. Not heart over mind. PLEASE. For your own sanity?!


***********

But life is too short for games. Anything less than mad, passionate love is a waste of time. But I don't want to make the SAME mistake again of making an ASS of U and ME.


***********

Life is short my darling, tell me that you love me.


***********

Love's been knockin' at your door
Do you hear it?
Do you really, really care?

Tell me it's not over now, will you?
So I won't be hangin' around
And you won't see me crying


***********

Without hope or agenda, and just because it is Christmas (and you're supposed to tell the truth on Christmas), my wasted heart will always love you.

Hah. Saw this from Kiko's recent post. I absofreakinlutely luuuuv that line! I saw Love Actually already... I can't believe I missed that precious line! Awww. I remember the dude carrying those big signs on the gal's doorstep... Silent affirmation but definitely high-impact. Hayyy, 'must watch that DVD again... Then again, that can be *YET ANOTHER* suicidal move. Yey. Go tell the marines. Labooooo. I am so out of myself. So.. hmm... "gone"? I am physically and mentally tired/stressed from work but here I am typing away 30 mins. before midnight. My mind is restless. I am emotionally windang.

So help me God.


***********

This will all make perfect sense someday.


***********

You've sunk out at sea, crashed your car, gone insane. Do you *really* want to do that again?



***********

She's a girl in a world, she's moving as fast as she goes
Loves her mom and her dad, the only secure that she knows
But at night, she's alone, she's dreaming of somebody new
Her someone for to hold, she's praying the dream will come true

Show me the way - show me, show me how
Help me be brave - for love
Show me the way - show me, tell me how
What do you say

There's a pain in her heart, she's trying so hard to unwind
Makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind
Wants to break through the the fear
Erasing the scars from within
Start a new kind of being - she's down and she's praying again

You see she's
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Stepping outside, with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Take it in stride, you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Yeah we've all been hurt before
So you're not alone..., no...
You're not alone...