~* CLOSER *~

I just saw Closer on DVD and I totally loved it! Natalie Portman deserves that Golden Globe. I'm surprised to find out that Clive Owen also won a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Larry in Closer. Anyway, aside from the fact that Jude Law has the dreamiest blue eyes I've ever seen, I totally loved the dialogues. And of course, what could go wrong with a Julia Roberts movie?! So many quotable quotes... And you know I'm a sucker for quotes :P

Third reason why I love this movie: Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter (which is my ultimate favorite track from his album "O") is the movie's "main theme" if I may say so. Plus, the intro of Cold Water were used in a lot of scenes.

And so it is just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
most of the time
And so it is the shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off you...
I can't take my mind off you...

~ the blower's daughter

Here's a little background to set up the conversations in your head in case you haven't seen the movie yet.

Now here are my favorite lines from the movie:

Anna: Men are crap
Daniel: But all the same...
Anna: They're still crap.

*******

When Jude Law's character breaks up with Natalie Portman's character:

Daniel: This will hurt...
Alice: You're a piece of sh*t!
Daniel: Deception is brutal. I'm not pretending otherwise.
Alice: How? How does it work? How do you do this to someone?
Daniel: I fell in love with her, Alice...
Alice: Oh as if you had no choice?!?!... There's a moment... There's always a moment--I can do this. I can give in to this or I can resist it. I don't know when your moment was but I bet you knew there was one.


Alice: Can I still see you?
Daniel: If I see you, I'll never leave you.
Alice: Do you still fancy me?
Daniel: Of course.
Alice: You're lying.... (starts crying)... Will you hold me?... I amuse you but I bore you!
Daniel: No... no...
Alice: You did love me?
Daniel: I'll always love you. I hate hurting you.
Alice: Why are you?
Daniel: Coz I'm selfish.


Alice: You'll miss me... No one will ever love you as much as I do. WHY ISN'T LOVE ENOUGH?

*******

When Julia Roberts' character breaks up with Clive Owen's character, Clive angrily fires off questions to Julia:

Anna: Why are you doing this?
Larry: Coz I wanna know!
Anna: Why is the sex so important to you?
Larry: Because I'm a f***ing caveman!
Anna: Yes, I came! We do everything that people who have sex do!
Larry: You like his c*ck?
Anna: I love it!
Larry: You like him c*mming in your face?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: What's it taste like?
Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter!
Larry: That's the spirit! Thank you. Thank you for honesty. Now f*** off and die. You f***ed up slag.

*******

Alice to Larry: I am not your revenge f***.

******

Daniel: Why didn't you lie to me?
Anna: Coz we said we'd always tell each other the truth.
Daniel: What's so great about the truth?! TRY LYING FOR A CHANGE! IT'S THE CURRENCY OF THE WORLD!

******

Daniel: You think that love is so simple. You think that the heart is a diagram.
Larry: Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood.

******

Larry to Daniel (talking about Alice): She loves you beyond comprehension.

******

Daniel: When I get back, please tell me the truth.
Alice: Why?
Daniel: Because I'm addicted to it... BECAUSE WITHOUT IT, WE'RE ANIMALS.

******

Daniel: Coz I'm an idiot.
Alice: Yes. I would have loved you forever...
Daniel: Don't do this, Alice. Talk to me...
Alice: I am talking. F*** off.
Daniel: I love you.
Alice: When?... Show me! WHERE IS THIS LOVE? I CAN'T SEE IT. I CAN'T TOUCH IT. I CAN'T FEEL IT. I CAN HEAR IT. I CAN HEAR SOME WORDS BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR EASY WORDS. Whatever you say, it's too late. It's done. Now please go.

Bravo. The credit goes to Patrick Marber for the brilliant lines. Watch it! Watch it!

~* THE MIND-BOGGLING/HEARTBREAKING MYSTERY OF THE DISAPPEARING MEN *~

ENCORE-- but minus me requesting for a repeat. That's how it freakin' is. You may even consider it a three-peat if you count it this way: (1) the unbelievable asswipe circa 2001, (2) the former TOWBMHTB circa 2003 and (3) the unbelievable asswipe returns circa 2004 as I stupidly risk trusting him again the SECOND time around *banging my head on the desk now!*; Thus, making him the new bearer of the title "TOWBMHTB". Okay, in fact, I even want to change it to The One Who Broke My Heart the Uber-Worst. Hindi naman daw sya gago but what he did just begs for him to be called exactly just that. What makes him far worse than Guy#2? Well, Guy#2 at least had the decency (albeit miniscule... just a speck of decency) to text me his lame-ass excuse/goodbye line some time way after. AND he said sorry. He said sorry many, many times. And being me, I forgave him (but I will NEVER EVER forget). The other reasons, I will say on my Tabulas...

I just got this book called "He's Just Not That Into You" by a writer (Liz Tuccillo) and a consultant (Greg Behrendt) of Sex and the City. I'm sure you remember Berger saying that to Miranda. Gee, I almost liked Berger for Carrie until he did that colossal asswipe move of his (a.k.a. the carnations-at-night-and-Post-It-in-the-morning move). So anyway, I went OMG when I saw this book on the shelf of Powerbooks. I check out the table of contents and lo & behold... page 108 is entitled "He's just not that into you if he's disappeared on you" with a subtitle "Sometimes you have to get closure all by yourself". Oh gee. Now THAT is SOOOOO ME, I thought to myself.

The chapter starts with:

He's gone. Poof. Vanished into thin air. Well there's no mixed message here. He's made it clear that he's so not into you that he couldn't even bother to leave you a Post-It... IT'S SO PAINFUL, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO BE HURT OR ANGRY. But because of that, you might be tempted to make some excuses for yourself. You have good reason to want to spend a lot of energy solving the Mystery of the Disappearing Man. But all those excuses, however valid they are, will not help you in the long run. Because the only part of that story that's important to remember is that he didn't want to be with you anymore. And HE DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL YOU THAT TO YOUR FACE. Case closed.

And the excuses were:

1. The "Maybe He's Dead" Excuse

There's nothing worse than having no answer... But the bad news is, NO ANSWER IS YOUR ANSWER.

2. The "But Can't I at Least Yell at Him?" Excuse

... In the long run, you will have wished that you had not given him that much credit for ruining your life... Let someone else expend that kind of energy with him. It may feel like you're letting him "get away with something." But trust me, NOTHING YOU SAY IS GOING TO BE NEWS TO HIM.

3. The "But I Just Want an Answer" Excuse

Sometimes a preson's behavior is so abhorrent that it leaves little doubt as to what to do. THE BIG MISTAKE YOU MADE WAS CHOOSING THAT PERSON TO BEGIN WITH. The quickest way to rectify that mistake is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.

More excerpts:

• The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The hard part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing.

• This one is impossible. He disappeared. He just stopped... out of the blue. You felt that whatever you had together warranted even the tiniest explanation... But instead, there's silence. No explanation, no goodbye. Just a vanishing. There's nothing worse... nothing worse than that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when it looks like the guy you were getting to know has decided to bail on you instead of talking to you about it. NOTHING WORSE.

• So first you feel hurt. But then you feel helpless, completely and totally helpless. HE JUST DISAPPEARED, MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAD ABSOLUTELY NO VALUE OR MEANING TO HIM WHATSOEVER. (Gee, thanks. There goes my sense of worth :P )

• ... to me, what's truly devastating is to feel like you weren't even worth a breakup.

• ... when a guy no longer wants to communicate with me, and doesn't have the manners or courage to tell me that to my face, he's given me all the information I need.

• He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he's just not that into you.

• There's no mystery-- he's gone and he wasn't good enough for you.
  

Now this is just appalling:

100% of men polled who had "disappeared" on a woman said that, at the time, they were completely aware of what a horrible thing they were doing, and no woman calling them up and talking to them would have changed that.

*aaaaarggghhh* Sabi na nga ba kasiiiii: "Never ASSUME. Never make an ASS of U and ME." *triple sigh* Once an asswipe, always an asswipe.

~* THIS POST IS SO BADUY, I'M SURE YOU'LL BE QUEASY*~

Funny how an old cheesy love song can suddenly be something that you can so relate to. Being a Wednesday, RX was playing old songs... so here goes Chico playing some old familiar song circa 90's(?)... I listen to the song and then *whoa*-- it suddenly actually makes sense to me!*nakampuch @%#^!!!!*

Good bye, it's time for me to go.
I'll call you in the morning so I can let you know.
I know it hasn't been easy to love a man like me.
Someday if we try there will be no goodbyes, and we will live happily.
Coz I'll be there one day and you'll be right next to me.
I'll be there one day and you will be right next to me.

Hey there, will you be where I am?
Will you be by my side girl or with another man?
Just wait a little longer, girl
I don’t know how long.
Just try to understand this is not what I planned.
I'm sorry this had to be.

Oh girl, every man needs a woman.
You're the woman that I choose and I can't afford to lose you baby.
I'll be there one day and you will be right next to me.
I'll be there one day and you will be right next to me.

I swear to the world, you'll always be my girl.
Just say you'll be right next to me.
I'll be there one day
And you'll be right next to me.

Already feeling nauseous with how sickeningly baduy this post is? Here... I've dug up some more mush:

" I cry for the times you were almost mine.
I cry for the memories I've left behind.
I cry for the pain, the loss, the old, the new
I cry for those times I thought I had you..."

"I'm wishing that one day you'll miss me terribly... that no matter how hard you look for me, you will not find me. But what you don't know is that I've been there all along inside your heart."

Excuse me while I get out of my nauseatingly mushy mode.

~* THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES *~

I was just watching Wicker Park the other night and that last scene at the airport with Coldplay's The Scientist playing in the background brought me to tears. I dunno. It must've been Josh Hartnett's oh-so-pained/tortured look when he was standing right behind Diane Kruger and the fact that The Scientist was playing. I soooo super-love that song. As in.

So anyway, one minute I was crying because of the movie and the next minute, somebody opened the floodgates. You know how sometimes you start crying because you are so sad and in pain like somebody has literally crushed your heart to pieces? It was something like that. And then later on, after much drama, you cry again not because of the hurt but because of silent rage kept inside your heart. You don't know whether you still love the person but you hate them at the same time for messing up your life big time *AGAIN*. I find myself clenching my hands whenever I remember. I clench my hands in hate, resentment, anger, heartbreak and pain. I clench my hands in utter frustration at how unbelievably unfair life is. At how unbelievably such an asswipe he is.

I read again what I posted earlier this month pre-*nasty* news:

And so now, even if somebody has *yet again* walked out on me, I do not feel hatred towards him. I do not feel utter desperation regarding the situation. Nor do I blame myself or wonder about my worth. I guess maybe this time it's because I had known the reason why he left early on and quite straight from him as told by a friend. I perfectly understand his reasons. It's a valid one and not some lame-ass excuse conjured for the sake of making up tall stories. I respect him and the things he wants to do with his life without me. In a weird twisted way, I admire him for his maturity to stop short of his tracks, step back, look at the big picture and gauge how ready he is. I know that it is not being selfish but being selfless in a way, such that he does not want to drag me into his life when he has personal issues that he must deal with himself.

I'm trying to convince myself that I should be braver and stronger now, shouldn't I because this was almost exactly what happened to me before?! Been there, done that. Been to hell and back.

I have done it last year and I am still alive now, aren't I? I should not be afraid coz I was alone before he came, right?

Ahhh. The lies we tell ourselves...

"Men are not complicated, although we'd like you to think we are, as in 'Things are really crazy right now. I've just got a ton of sh*t going on.'... And sadly, we would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, 'You're not the one.' We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both--or even worse, cry and yell at us."

"I know that guy you are dating... He's that guy that's so tired from work, so stressed about the project he's working on. He's just been through an awful breakup and it's really hitting him hard... He has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can't get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about... God, he is so complicated... HE IS A MAN MADE UP ENTIRELY OF YOUR EXCUSES."

~ from the book entitled He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo

~* FOCKERIZED *~

Saw Meet the Fockers last night at G4. Who names their son Gaylord Focker? Apparently, it's the Dustin Hoffman/Barbra Streisand-looking type of parents. I love that cute little "assssss...hoooole"-talking toddler (trivia: Little Jack was played by twins). Gaylord's Wall of Mediocrity and Mastery of Defeat. The strap-on rubber boob for the baby's milk. The fondue (sp?) incident. The dog humping one of Little Jack's "pre-approved toys".

"I'm going to be Pamela Martha Focker! Yes, I know how that sounds!"

~* NOW PLAYING: This Is The Last Time by Keane *~

Just got the Hopes & Fears album by Keane. I like it. I'm a sucker for vocalists wailing sadly and singing with a British accent. Very reminiscent of Coldplay's Chris Martin, Verve (remember Bittersweet Symphony?) and Damien Rice (he's Irish though, if I remember it right...) I bought it because of this song:

This is the last time
That I will say these words
I remember the first time
The first of many lies
Sweep it into the corner
Or hide it under the bed
Say these things they go away
But they never do
Something I wasn't sure of
But I was in the middle of
Something I forget now
But I've seen too little of

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I no I don't mind

This is the last time
That I will show my face
One last tender lie
And then I'm out of this place
So tread it into the carpet
Or hide it under the stairs
Say that some things never die
Well I tried and I tried

Something I wasn't sure of
But I was in the middle of
Something I forget now
But I've seen too little of

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I no I don't mind

The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I know I don't mind

~* GROUNDHOG YEAR *~

Have you ever seen the movie "Groundhog Day"? I feel exactly like that. But it's more like experiencing a groundhog year and not a day for I am in the same kind of sh*thole as I was a year ago. Isn't that, uhh, annoying to say the least?

To write about how I feel would render my blog redundant. Take a look at my blogspot archives... that's almost exactly how I am going about my meanderings these days.

As much as possible, I do not want to talk about it anymore. I did not even make kwento to my other friends about it. It is extremely touching and sweet though of some of my close friends who asked me a coupla times last week if I was okay.

I have drowned myself with work last week. I stayed up til 3am for three consecutive days to do the graphics on our company newsletter wherein I am the layout/art director. In some unguarded moments though, the bullsh*t memories still sneak up on me. Hate it, hate it.

I do not exactly know what the hell to do now but I know that no amount of going out for dinner and wine with friends, watching the Akafellas and being with the akakadas or going reggae-dancing on smoky Xaymaca will make any life-altering difference. I will still be the same emotional wreck as I was after all that artificial bliss and crafty diversion.

Sometimes I wish there was something like that "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" thingiemajig in real life. Eradicating your entire memory of someone. Being completely free from every shared moment with that person. Totally forgetting as if you never knew them in this lifetime at all. However, as much as I would like to forget the person, I would not want to lose the lesson. Because forgetting the lesson would mean having myself commit the same shitty mistakes that I did before. Forgetting the lesson would render all my past pains and sufferings wasted. And I do not want that. What then, would be the purpose of all that major crapdom?

In one of those top 10s, someone said that the bitter, jaded ones used to be the most romantic people in the world but something happened along the way which turned them into cold jaded biatches. Now excuse me while I go the Ice Queen's way...

Lost for you, I'm so lost...for you... ~ Crash into Me (Dave Matthews Band)

I don't know if I've ever been really loved by the hand that's touched me... ~ Push (Matchbox Twenty)

~* MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE METRO... *~

... I was at Red Box together with the rest of my officemates (see my post last Jan 8). We were about 20 persons in the room we rented to celebrate our (Entertainment Imaging) department's 2004 success and to thank the rest of the support group who helped our department the entire year.

Clockwise: (1) With the other department managers; (2) With Bianx and Buddy (my ex-boss in Digital & Applied Imaging who just left our company last year-end); (3) With Ge; (4) With Vic; (5) With Buddy

~* MOM'S B-DAY CELEB *~

Yesterday (Jan 7) was my mom's birthday so this afternoon, my entire family (of course, the birthday celebrant, Dad, Ate Chinkee, my brother-in-law Joel and my nephew/godson Dean) ate at Teriyaki Boy to celebrate her day. After craving for the loooongest time (since last December!!!) for california maki, I finally got to eat 'em! Yey! :)

~* MY UNSUGAR-COATED THOUGHTS*~

you can never be a part of me
and i know this, coz i tried this.
you can never be, no never be
and you never really knew me
i'm still complete
even though you're not a part of me
i wonder why.

i wonder why... i wonder why... i wonder why...

yes i wanna be a part of you
but i know this couldn't happen
you're so far away, too far away
are you ever coming back here?
i'm not complete
you must really be a part of me
i feel so weak.
i wonder why.

i wonder why... i wonder why... i wonder why...
i'm feelin so confused
i dont know what to do
it's leavin' me wonderin'...

~ Why by Therese*
*From the Hed Kandi//Winter Chill compilation CD


I'm hooked on winter chill. Hah. Influenced by Bianx. I burned her 2-vol. CD of Hed Kandi's Winter Chill compilation. And then I heard this song - track 2, vol. 2. Swak. Like a dagger through the heart.

I came from Red Box around an hour ago. I was with my officemates. Hmm. Singing Kyla's If the Feeling is Gone + San Mig Lite + being in a videoke place + soliciting unsugar-coated advice from 2 males = NOT GOOD.

But what ultimately made me sad was when I was thinking "Who do I text my cab's plate number to now?" I had a habit of texting him my cab's plate number whenever I'm going home late from some gig. Hayyy. No one to text a cab's plate number to now. No letting somebody know that I'm on my way home na. No one to text with while going home just to keep me from falling asleep inside the cab. No one telling me to have a pen on hand while inside a cab. No one to say good night to me now. No one to ask me if I ate lunch/dinner na. Hayyy, nobody cares now. Such f***ness. Pardon my thoughts. It's 2AM and I'm not exactly in a sunshiny mood.

6 out 7 people say that a) I should not text him anymore, b) I should forget about him, c) it's-not-you-it's-me thing was just an excuse so that he doesn't hurt my feelings. In the Sex and the City theory-- he's just not that into me. Hayyyy. Such sad sh*t to deal with for me. Oh, and I'm the only 1 out of the 7 people who think otherwise. I am outnumbered. So even if in my heart, I sooo wanna text (call, even) him, I tell myself not to. Mind-over-heart, not heart-over-mind this time. Because heeding my heart over my mind only causes sad things like this to happen to me. Me and my stupid, gullible, trusting heart. Forget that already.

On the way home (I rode with Bianx til Alabang), I turned quiet na. Then Bianx goes "You're sad noh?" . *sigh* Yes. But I said I'm done with crying... well at least I'd like to think I am. "Hay, magpapaka-superwoman na lang ako," I said to her. I sooo did not want to cry. I'm trying to convince myself that I should be braver and stronger now, shouldn't I because this was almost exactly what happened to me before?! Been there, done that. Been to hell and back.

But it's another kind of pain in some unexplainable way even if I'm going through it all over again. *sigh* Here we go again... another year, yet another reason to be sad. Just when I think it's all over, it isn't. Coz hmm, I dunno.... it was too good to be true?

*triple sigh*

All I can do is sigh away the misery. Ahh I am so screwed again.

I said 'wait, have I been seduced and forgotten?' You said 'Baby, haven't we all?' .

~ Crying Like a Church on Monday by New Radicals

~* MY CURRENT STATE OF MIND & HEART *~

I was fixing my template and decided to put up my favorite posts on my sidebar. (See "This is how my heart heard..." -- my sidebar style was to use lyrics as titles rather than the mediocre, unimaginative standard terms. Ergo, I used a Duncan Sheik song for this latest addition to my sidebar template). As I read through my archives (read: "romantic mushy bullsh*ts"), I realized that there are pretty much some constant/recurring things/values/beliefs/principles that string together all these words I've written since I started to blog. But then again, I know that there are some things that have changed in me, albeit slightly and not majorly identity-changing as it may seem. This is because I have learned lessons in what I have gone through and I have grown to understand and accept things the way it is rather than resist the reality or change they bring.

And so this brings me to discuss what I am feeling RIGHT NOW.

I had been a sad, sad girl last year and I want to change that. Yes, I am eternally a DQ but I would like to think that I have grown stronger, braver and wiser. All that self-proclaimed tragic sh*t I went through have given me such valuable lessons that made me more emotionally-mature. And so now, even if somebody has *yet again* walked out on me, I do not feel hatred towards him. I do not feel utter desperation regarding the situation. Nor do I blame myself or wonder about my worth. I guess maybe this time it's because I had known the reason why he left early on and quite straight from him as told by a friend. I perfectly understand his reasons. It's a valid one and not some lame-ass excuse conjured for the sake of making up tall stories. I respect him and the things he wants to do with his life without me. In a weird twisted way, I admire him for his maturity to stop short of his tracks, step back, look at the big picture and gauge how ready he is. I know that it is not being selfish but being selfless in a way, such that he does not want to drag me into his life when he has personal issues that he must deal with himself. We all know how screwed up things can be when we get into a relationship in a time when we are still such selfish insecure emotional baby whiners. As they say, you must be able to love yourself first before you can actually be able to love others. I have learned these things the hard way. It took one sweet intimidated momma's boy to teach me that.

But this is NOT to say that I am not sad. Of course I am. Who wouldn't if something inexplicably blissful happened to you unexpectedly one night? But at least I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. Well yeah, I wake up pretty sad sometimes but not in the same way I woke up back in 2003 and early 2004. You know, something like the I'm-happy-for-you-but-I'm-sad-for-me kind of thing. It all boils down to this: I was given a valid reason. With the other one, I was just left to pretty much build my own theories, psycho-analysis and conclusions based on crumbs of yesterday. Yet, I just wish that men do not underestimate my ability to understand their reasons. The problem with them is that they'd rather shut up altogether than talk and communicate. I guess maybe they think that "talking" would be a more complicated route to take. Or that talking to me would unavoidably build my expectations even more. Or that I would simply not understand. Or that they do not want to hurt me. But hey, I would rather hear the cold honest truth than have things sugar-coated or hidden from me. In this kind of situation, I believe that it is better to be honest than to be kind.

Certain people who've come into my life have taught me to be braver and stronger. Circumstances have made me braver. Reality did too. I now have maximum tolerance over f****ing sh*tty bullcraps. It's something like having been to hell and back. Facing the cards that have been dealt to me now is not as scary anymore coz I already know what it's like to live like this. I have done it last year and I am still alive now, aren't I? I should not be afraid coz I was alone before he came, right?

Shoot me for the cliche but as the hackneyed phrase goes: If you love someone, set him free. If he comes back, he's yours. If he doesn't, then it was never meant to be. That's how love is. It has always been that way. It's just that before, I refused to believe that relationships end, that people leave and that people realize, at a certain point, that they are not destined to be with you. Now I know that when men go into their so-called Martian caves and become like Martian rubberbands, there is a possibility that they may never come back to you. Sometimes, I think that I was just there to trigger their sudden re-examination of self and re-assessment of their life's accomplishments. My purpose in their lives was to be the friggin' catalyst. Okay fine, so I have this sad noble purpose to make them be better men. Good for them, bad for me.

Now I just say: let go and let God. After all, it's always God whom I am left to talk to after sh*t happens. I don't like it though how he doesn't actually answer me in black and white but instead He makes me realize the reasons on why things happen after such a loooong freakin' time (say, about more than a year). But even if I resent and endlessly question Him while I am in the pit of desperation, I still run back to Him for consolation and still put my trust in Him after I get out of the pit and become sober in time.

However still, this is NOT to say that I am not scared coz I AM actually friggin' scared. After all, after I have respected someone's decision to step away, I was left with only hard lessons to deal with. I was expecting to be rewarded with a better version of him but I guess things don't always turn out that way. Well this time, from what I've been told, it is not a definite end and no doors have been closed. No ACTUAL we're-better-off-as-friends euphemism for rejection have been actually said. But still, this gnawing fear in me asks: What if, after he has fixed his life, he will not see me fitting in it anymore? What if he decides not to come back at all? What if he has totally forgotten me? What if the feelings faded into nothingness?

Oh well. Nobody can ever answer the what-ifs til they actually happen. Nothing is certain. Whatever is meant to be will happen. Que sera sera (sp?). After all, things always happen for a reason. Pain, heartbreak, bliss, happiness, arrivals and departures aren't just a bunch of random moments. All of these direct which paths we take and which decisions we choose.

This is it. Then so be it.

~* NEW YEAR WITH THE GALS *~

Spur of the moment thing--Abbie invited Tin, Charo and I to come over her house in Cabuyao after the 12mn hullabaloo. Charo was partying in Baywalk with her family daw so it was just the three of us again. (Charo tanggal ka na sa TROPA! bwahahahaha! kiddin' kiddin'!!!). So anyway, the 3 of us were YM-confy'ing coz SMS sucked during New Year's eve. We were requested by Abbie to wear read daw. Why red? It's NOT Valentine's Day naman ah? Para daw festive! Festive my pw#t. *LOL* I asked her if my red bra will do :P. Anyway, the only thing red in my closet was my Bob Marley racerback top. It was too freakin' cold to wear just that so I layered with a midriff shirt. And wore matching red shoes! Killjoy Tin came in a black baby tee. Fine, it had red prints on it. Sige na nga.

Tin and I left Pacita around 1:30am. Looked for a gas station that was open at that time of the day. Managed to find one somewhere in Binan (or was that Carmona? anywaaay...) Bought red wine from 7-11. (Ganyan kasi kalabo si Abbie, magyayaya na mag-red wine, kala mo meron na sya dun, pero noooooo... we were tasked to buy the red wine on our way there! hay, para sa dyosa, sige na nga! hehehe.) Abbie saved some of her niece's sparklers for us to light and pose pictures with...

We talked and talked and analyzed what we have already talked about and analyzed just the other night at Westgate when we were in Alabang. Ahhh. We gals just can't avoid over-analyzing stuff... it's an innate disease! haha. Around 5:30am, my mom was already texting me and asking what time I was planning to go home. So there, Tin and I finally headed home around that time. I slept around 6ish am and woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon. Ahhh, the holidays roooock.