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Saturday, January 08, 2005


you can never be a part of me
and i know this, coz i tried this.
you can never be, no never be
and you never really knew me
i'm still complete
even though you're not a part of me
i wonder why.

i wonder why... i wonder why... i wonder why...

yes i wanna be a part of you
but i know this couldn't happen
you're so far away, too far away
are you ever coming back here?
i'm not complete
you must really be a part of me
i feel so weak.
i wonder why.

i wonder why... i wonder why... i wonder why...
i'm feelin so confused
i dont know what to do
it's leavin' me wonderin'...

~ Why by Therese*

*From the Hed Kandi//Winter Chill compilation CD

I'm hooked on winter chill. Hah. Influenced by Bianx. I burned her 2-vol. CD of Hed Kandi's Winter Chill compilation. And then I heard this song - track 2, vol. 2. Swak. Like a dagger through the heart.

I came from Red Box around an hour ago. I was with my officemates. Hmm. Singing Kyla's If the Feeling is Gone + San Mig Lite + being in a videoke place + soliciting unsugar-coated advice from 2 males = NOT GOOD.

But what ultimately made me sad was when I was thinking "Who do I text my cab's plate number to now?" I had a habit of texting him my cab's plate number whenever I'm going home late from some gig. Hayyy. No one to text a cab's plate number to now. No letting somebody know that I'm on my way home na. No one to text with while going home just to keep me from falling asleep inside the cab. No one telling me to have a pen on hand while inside a cab. No one to say good night to me now. No one to ask me if I ate lunch/dinner na. Hayyy, nobody cares now. Such f***ness. Pardon my thoughts. It's 2AM and I'm not exactly in a sunshiny mood.

6 out 7 people say that a) I should not text him anymore, b) I should forget about him, c) it's-not-you-it's-me thing was just an excuse so that he doesn't hurt my feelings. In the Sex and the City theory-- he's just not that into me. Hayyyy. Such sad sh*t to deal with for me. Oh, and I'm the only 1 out of the 7 people who think otherwise. I am outnumbered. So even if in my heart, I sooo wanna text (call, even) him, I tell myself not to. Mind-over-heart, not heart-over-mind this time. Because heeding my heart over my mind only causes sad things like this to happen to me. Me and my stupid, gullible, trusting heart. Forget that already.

On the way home (I rode with Bianx til Alabang), I turned quiet na. Then Bianx goes "You're sad noh?" . *sigh* Yes. But I said I'm done with crying... well at least I'd like to think I am. "Hay, magpapaka-superwoman na lang ako," I said to her. I sooo did not want to cry. I'm trying to convince myself that I should be braver and stronger now, shouldn't I because this was almost exactly what happened to me before?! Been there, done that. Been to hell and back.

But it's another kind of pain in some unexplainable way even if I'm going through it all over again. *sigh* Here we go again... another year, yet another reason to be sad. Just when I think it's all over, it isn't. Coz hmm, I dunno.... it was too good to be true?

*triple sigh*

All I can do is sigh away the misery. Ahh I am so screwed again.

I said 'wait, have I been seduced and forgotten?' You said 'Baby, haven't we all?' .
~ Crying Like a Church on Monday by New Radicals


denden said...

hi! i can't remember how i stumbled upon your blog but as soon as i started reading i was hooked. hehe! somehow, i can see myself through you. like you i just finished a 3-year relationship. i guess i just want to let you know that whatever it is you're going through, i've gone through as well.

the part where you said you want to call and text him even if the people around you tell you otherwise hits a bit close to home. if you want you can read my post about it

you take care. it will get better, in your own sweet time.

~*lilacstardust*~ said...

thanks for the nice words, denden!:) i read your posts... i sooo can relate too! *sigh*

Abbie eXcites said...

Awww! You don't freakin deserve this, girl! :(