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Sunday, January 02, 2005

~* MY CURRENT STATE OF MIND & HEART *~

I was fixing my template and decided to put up my favorite posts on my sidebar. (See "This is how my heart heard..." -- my sidebar style was to use lyrics as titles rather than the mediocre, unimaginative standard terms. Ergo, I used a Duncan Sheik song for this latest addition to my sidebar template). As I read through my archives (read: "romantic mushy bullsh*ts"), I realized that there are pretty much some constant/recurring things/values/beliefs/principles that string together all these words I've written since I started to blog. But then again, I know that there are some things that have changed in me, albeit slightly and not majorly identity-changing as it may seem. This is because I have learned lessons in what I have gone through and I have grown to understand and accept things the way it is rather than resist the reality or change they bring.

And so this brings me to discuss what I am feeling RIGHT NOW.

I had been a sad, sad girl last year and I want to change that. Yes, I am eternally a DQ but I would like to think that I have grown stronger, braver and wiser. All that self-proclaimed tragic sh*t I went through have given me such valuable lessons that made me more emotionally-mature. And so now, even if somebody has *yet again* walked out on me, I do not feel hatred towards him. I do not feel utter desperation regarding the situation. Nor do I blame myself or wonder about my worth. I guess maybe this time it's because I had known the reason why he left early on and quite straight from him as told by a friend. I perfectly understand his reasons. It's a valid one and not some lame-ass excuse conjured for the sake of making up tall stories. I respect him and the things he wants to do with his life without me. In a weird twisted way, I admire him for his maturity to stop short of his tracks, step back, look at the big picture and gauge how ready he is. I know that it is not being selfish but being selfless in a way, such that he does not want to drag me into his life when he has personal issues that he must deal with himself. We all know how screwed up things can be when we get into a relationship in a time when we are still such selfish insecure emotional baby whiners. As they say, you must be able to love yourself first before you can actually be able to love others. I have learned these things the hard way. It took one sweet intimidated momma's boy to teach me that.

But this is NOT to say that I am not sad. Of course I am. Who wouldn't if something inexplicably blissful happened to you unexpectedly one night? But at least I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. Well yeah, I wake up pretty sad sometimes but not in the same way I woke up back in 2003 and early 2004. You know, something like the I'm-happy-for-you-but-I'm-sad-for-me kind of thing. It all boils down to this: I was given a valid reason. With the other one, I was just left to pretty much build my own theories, psycho-analysis and conclusions based on crumbs of yesterday. Yet, I just wish that men do not underestimate my ability to understand their reasons. The problem with them is that they'd rather shut up altogether than talk and communicate. I guess maybe they think that "talking" would be a more complicated route to take. Or that talking to me would unavoidably build my expectations even more. Or that I would simply not understand. Or that they do not want to hurt me. But hey, I would rather hear the cold honest truth than have things sugar-coated or hidden from me. In this kind of situation, I believe that it is better to be honest than to be kind.

Certain people who've come into my life have taught me to be braver and stronger. Circumstances have made me braver. Reality did too. I now have maximum tolerance over f****ing sh*tty bullcraps. It's something like having been to hell and back. Facing the cards that have been dealt to me now is not as scary anymore coz I already know what it's like to live like this. I have done it last year and I am still alive now, aren't I? I should not be afraid coz I was alone before he came, right?

Shoot me for the cliche but as the hackneyed phrase goes: If you love someone, set him free. If he comes back, he's yours. If he doesn't, then it was never meant to be. That's how love is. It has always been that way. It's just that before, I refused to believe that relationships end, that people leave and that people realize, at a certain point, that they are not destined to be with you. Now I know that when men go into their so-called Martian caves and become like Martian rubberbands, there is a possibility that they may never come back to you. Sometimes, I think that I was just there to trigger their sudden re-examination of self and re-assessment of their life's accomplishments. My purpose in their lives was to be the friggin' catalyst. Okay fine, so I have this sad noble purpose to make them be better men. Good for them, bad for me.

Now I just say: let go and let God. After all, it's always God whom I am left to talk to after sh*t happens. I don't like it though how he doesn't actually answer me in black and white but instead He makes me realize the reasons on why things happen after such a loooong freakin' time (say, about more than a year). But even if I resent and endlessly question Him while I am in the pit of desperation, I still run back to Him for consolation and still put my trust in Him after I get out of the pit and become sober in time.

However still, this is NOT to say that I am not scared coz I AM actually friggin' scared. After all, after I have respected someone's decision to step away, I was left with only hard lessons to deal with. I was expecting to be rewarded with a better version of him but I guess things don't always turn out that way. Well this time, from what I've been told, it is not a definite end and no doors have been closed. No ACTUAL we're-better-off-as-friends euphemism for rejection have been actually said. But still, this gnawing fear in me asks: What if, after he has fixed his life, he will not see me fitting in it anymore? What if he decides not to come back at all? What if he has totally forgotten me? What if the feelings faded into nothingness?

Oh well. Nobody can ever answer the what-ifs til they actually happen. Nothing is certain. Whatever is meant to be will happen. Que sera sera (sp?). After all, things always happen for a reason. Pain, heartbreak, bliss, happiness, arrivals and departures aren't just a bunch of random moments. All of these direct which paths we take and which decisions we choose.

This is it. Then so be it.

4 comments:

Abbie eXcites said...

Here's the ultimate cliche:

When the door closes, a window opens.
God knows.

*wink*

Claire said...

I love your thoughts Aileen. I can really relate to this.

~*lilacstardust*~ said...

ABBIE: hmm. i sure wish a pretty damn big window opens ;)

CLAIRE: thanks for appreciating my post :) wow, u can relate din? hey i linked you na nga pala coz i saw that u linked me on your blog din :) thanks for that! :)

blogger1272 said...
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