~*DREAMSOUNDS 2*~

Last Tuesday, I met up with Rose and we had lunch at the Kitchen in Greenbelt. She gave me hers and Sheryl's super-kaduper mega late birthday gift. (My birthday was last April 20... That's how we are, even if somebody's birthday has passed a loooong time ago, basta, you still get a gift!) Anyway, I knew na what the gift was even before they gave it to me... coz a coupla weeks ago, they called me up while they were at Tower Records and then they asked me what were the CDs I found nice and like, what CD did I wanna get. Now when people ask me out of the blue what CD I would like, I know na that they're buying me one. Haha! Yup, I'm a music junkie so a CD will definitely make me smile :)

So anyway, I just wanted to share here how beautifully gift-wrapped my Dreamsounds 2 CD was. As always, Rose did such a wonderful job in wrapping it that I felt so sad to open my gift and ruin the cutesy packaging.... Anyway, I saved the dried blue rose;)

Thanks Rosey & She-pot!:) *mwah*hugz* I luuuuv the CD! Sige, I'll burn you guys a copy... I'll give it to ya the next time we meet!;)

Oh, here's my super fave track on the album:

I see the couples are walkin' by
Feel like I
Don't wanna be alone today
So glad no one can see what I hide
Deep inside
How it feels to be
The girl who never gets the right guy
Tell me why
When there`s so much I've got to give
I wake up reaching out in the night
Ready to hold him tight
'Til I realize
That nobody is there

When will it be me?
When will I be the one
Somebody's dreaming of?
When's it gonna be?
When will I find my heart
Lyin' inside the arms
That never let me go?
I'd really like to know
When will it be me?

My friends seem to have all the love
(Feels like love)
Knocks on their door and walks right in
I know that I am worthy of what I've been wishing for
I can't wait no more
Love's nowhere to be found

Feeling his tender touch
(Lying in his arms)
Talkin' bout forever together
Givin' him all my love
That's been trying to break free

Don't wanna be alone
No more
I'm telling you what I need
I want someone who loves me for me
And when will it be?
Wonder when it will be me?

I ask myself
When will it be me?

~ When Will It Be Me, Yasmeen

~* THIS IS THE STORY OF A GIRL *~

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her when she smiles

How many days in the year
She woke up with hope, but she only found tears...

This is the story of a girl
Who's pretty face she hid from the world
And while she looked so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her.

~ Absolutely, Nine Days

After watching SATC and seeing all that happy ending for Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda , I can't help but be depressed. See, when I watch my fave stuff, I tend to relate myself to the story and the characters. So there I was relating to Big & Carrie, Miranda & Steve, Charlotte & Harry, Samantha & Smith. *sigh* Don't we all wish that we'd get our well-deserved happy ending?

Plus, it seems everybody's got the blues. Plus, there's Abbie talking about her "one true love". Plus, it's the rainy season. The rain inspires reminiscing, contemplation and tears. If you're melodramatic like me, you would know exactly what I mean. Plus, I am twenty freakin' six and I still don't have a boyfriend... I still don't have The One. Such sucky, shitty, pathetic existence. Gaaah.

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone when you get home?

~ Sweetest Goodbye, Maroon5

Jack Berger. He and Carrie broke up and then one day he comes back knocking at her door with flowers in hand. If I remember right, he says "I love you" to her as he stood there by her door. The next morning, Carrie wakes up without him on her bed. She sees a Post-It which read something like: "I'm sorry. Don't hate me. Goodbye." Holy crap of craps, I cried so hard during that scene as Carrie swipes the vase with those freakin' flowers (carnations?). I remebered my own version of Jack Berger. Ackkk. The so-called hero. Arghhh.

Being a sucker for dramatic shit, on the night of Sept. 11, 2003, I tore all our pictures when we were together. The pictures from the reunion, the morning after at McDo, the Starbucks Petron pictures, the pictures from Friday's Alabang during my birthday celebration and Mitzi's despedida. Those were from digital cam shots so I am not entirely worried about putting 'em back to pieces. Nevertheless, I achieved the desired effect: indulging in the drama of the reality of him abandoning me, leaving me, suddenly disappearing without a decent goodbye and never ever telling me his reasons. I took pictures of the torn prints before I threw it on the garbage. Heck, I even tore that X-men card thing that we got when we watched the movie at ATC.

I knew it'd be like this someday
Turns out someday's not so far away
And now I'm falling down
I know you'd catch me but you're not around

So when I'm all unraveled at the end of my rope
Would you burn it on the side?
And it won't be easy but I'll do my best
When it's time to say goodbye

All good things will end
Leaving me with only memories
You seem to good to be true, but then
I could have sworn that it was meant to be

~ Unraveled, Rockwell Ryan

Ahhh. Those were the days. I was freakin' deliriously happy that I sooo thought he was The One. And I felt soooo at ease with him that I didn't feel the pressure to be always pretty in front of him. And then there's this ache. Ache in my heart. I felt that when he texted me all those sweet things... when he called back after a few seconds just to tell me he forgot to say that he missed me. It was with him that I learned how "missing someone it was killing you" felt.

I feel that familiar ache once in a while when I remember him. I felt it when I texted him while I was in Bellevue with friends. His "Why are you saying this only now" reply. Sh*t of sh*ts. "We" felt soooo right, looked sooo good together, seemed sooo meant to be. But kaput. All gone. Him and his intimidated ass. I cannot blame him though for re-examining himself and dealing with his personal issues first and deciding to spare me the further agony before we actually became a couple and before we could have the potential problem of him being insecure about himself and intimidated by me and him feeling that he is incapable of making me happy. Gaah. Psycho-analyzing him is a career in itself.

But why does he text stupid forwarded messages sometimes? Is it for the same reason that I once rummaged for stupid forwarded texts to send him (and even asked Abbie to send me harmless stupid ones coz I ran out of 'em)?


Aidan. He loved Carrie too much but Carrie was just so scared of fully committing to him. She evaded his starry-eyed marriage proposal by the fountain the second time around. He sees in her eyes that she will never ever be ready to marry him. She broke his heart once again. And so he bid her goodbye. Gaaah. I sooo liked the Aidan-Carrie thing. But Aidan loved Carrie more than Carrie loved him. Carrie loved Aidan but she also loved Big. Arghh. Aidan was always forgiving her when she hurt him. But ultimately, Aidan just gives up on her, on "them". 'Cried buckets of tears on that episode.

Somebody asked me how I felt about T2. I told that person that I loved him but I just could not see myself marrying him. I love him as a person, as a friend. I have nothing bad to say against him. He was good to me and I could clearly see that he loved me more than I loved him.

He was my first love. I had a crush on him since we were in grade 4. When we were about to graduate from high school, he gave me this letter. It was a confession: that he had loved me since we were in grade 6. But he thought I didn't like him coz I was always sungit to him. Gaah. I do that to my crushes. I pretend that I don't care about them. I don't smile at them. I don't chat them up. (And that's what I'm doing to my current O of A. Ha!:p)

Our relationship is such a sick cycle. After we broke up, he'd come back to me but I was not into him. And then I'd miss him and come back to him but then he'd not be into me at that time. Back and forth. Coming back and leaving. We are still doing that til now. We could never ever find ourselves both in love with each other at the same time. Twisted, isn't it?

But I find it eerie how he pops back into my life at the oddest points: when I had totally given up on my ideal one (ITY from college), when shit happened with his other friend and I, when I was trying to get over the so-called hero, and now, when I'm currently crushing on this guy. Twisted. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he is the one that was meant for me by God. Otherwise, why would he keep popping up like that? Is God giving me my nth chance for real love? Am I ignoring it when it's right under my nose?

What if we were wrong about each other?
What if you were really made for me?
What if we were supposed to be together?
Would that not mean anything?
What if that was supposed to be my house that you go home to every day?
How can you be sure that things are better?
If you can't be sure your heart is still here with me
Still wanting me

~ What If, Babyface

Petrovsky the Russian asked Carrie "Why? Has no one ever read you a poem?" And Carrie says that no one ever did. Then I remembered that lyrics of that song about me that he wrote. He wrote it on one of those love letters of his. Man, that was what I loved back then. He wrote me letters. I still have them tucked in my old diary along with those little notes with his tiny handwriting that he used to pass to me back in 4th year high school.

But why did my heart not do double flip-flops when we went to Festival Mall to window-shop for his new watch and even when we held hands during the Lord's Prayer when we heard mass at that church near ATC? I went with him that day because I wanted to give it a shot. But he did not make my heart ache like the so-called hero did. I tried Lord. I did try.

There was once this "Top Ten Reasons Why You Won't Get Back With Your Ex" in Chico & Delamar's morning show... I found the answer I've been looking for in one of the entries they read: "Because I don't want to hurt the one who loves me more." There. Crystal clear. I have hurt him so bad (though I did not ever mean to do it) he's probably scarred for life. The last thing I want is to hurt a good person like him. He deserves to be happy.

He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else...

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want...

(I) Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.

~ She Will Be Loved, Maroon 5

There. That's probably his song for me.

And you know what I think the so-called hero would have been thinking when he decided to walk out of my life?

I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to
Let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

... Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn.

And I wish he is still singing it now:

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know it was through

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same...
... It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my boo...

~ Burn, Usher

***************

All my pride is all I have
You'll be needin' me, but too bad
the path you chose to run along
Here with me you had a home.

~ All I Have, J Lo/LL Cool J


***************


The current O of A is turning out to be another ITY. Mr. Nice Guy and nothing more than that. And we all know how I cried about the college guy and how loooong before I ever got over my stupid feelings for him. Ahh, ITY the ever-nice gentleman, the benchmark of my ideal man. And so far I have only seen ITY in my current O of A. The Unattainable One. It's still purely infatuation at this point. Sometimes I think don't even want to get to know him better because I know that'll be just digging my own grave. Let him be a stranger, an illusion, an unstained persona of someone who could have been wonderful to have.

Darn it, I am geographically undesirable. That does not even help my bruised low self-esteem and shattered self-confidence. What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever find a man whom I'd love and who'd love me back? Am I ugly? Is it because my boobs aren't big? Is it coz I'm not the sexy vavavoom type? Am I boring? Uninteresting? Plain Jane? Am I destined to be alone forever? Why not tell me now, God, so I can save up and be a filthy rich single gal who travels all over the world (I sooo want to see Europe)? Will I ever find The One? Why not tell me now so I won't have to hold on to dear hope and whisper prayers everytime I am starting to fall for a guy?

Why is it easy for some people and not for me? Why do they find it just like that, like it just falls on their laps and I don't?

It just breaks my heart sometimes when I see a couple holding hands. I am not even envious about the kissing. It's all about having that hand to hold for the rest of your life... waking up and the first thing you see is him... being comforted by him after you had such a really bad day at work and then he suddenly, magically makes things better just by being there for you at the end of the day.

Okay. You are probably gagging over all this romantic mushy bullsh*t of a saga that I just wrote. So I am gonna stop.


*******************

Why can't we all get our much-deserved happy ending?

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it, yeah

The world seems bigger than both of us
Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry.

~ I Think God Can Explain, Splender

~* SATC SEASON-ENDER*~

Everybody's got the blues. It's the rainy season. The rain inspires reminiscing, contemplation and tears. If you're melodramatic like me, you would know exactly what I mean. Heck, even watching Sex & the City makes me cry! Aww. I just finished Season 6 today. From Big, to Aidan, to Berger, to Petrovsky... Ahhh. I have rode the emotional roller coaster ride with Carrie Bradshaw. I cried, I sighed. I like all of 'em except for The Russian. Can I spill the ending? (Now I know it ain't airing yet in HBO Asia. But, heck, I can't hardly wait so I finished the entire thing down to the last DVD minute!) Carrie ends up with John. Who's John? Hah! It's for you to find out if you haven't gotten your hands on the DVD set yet ;)

I like what they did to Samantha's character and her relationship with Smith. (Ahh, but you may say, after watching the entire thing, that the Smith character is just too good to be true. Such a LOYAL hot boy.) Here's my fave line from Smith... Samantha and Smith are walking down the street and Smith tries to hold Samantha's hand. Samantha freaks out and Smith vents out his frustration:

SMITH: I like you. You like me. Enough of this horsesh*t! Just f@#%ing hold my hand!

He tries to hold her hand again and in the process of avoiding holding hands with him, Samantha loses her balance and falls into one of those hatches along the sidewalk. Hilarious, I tell you!

Then there's this part wherein Carrie is talking on the phone with Miranda who was shopping for a wedding dress:

CARRIE: Oh my god, Miranda, you're my cynical touchstone! Do you promise to still be cynical even after you're married?

MIRANDA: I do.

And my super favorite quote ever, said by Carrie Bradshaw herself as she was breaking up with The Russian:

CARRIE: Maybe it's time to be clear about who I am... I am someone who is looking for love... real love... ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love and I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris.

And the gushiest line I ever heard from Big:

BIG: It took me a really long time to get here, but I'm here. Carrie, you're the one.

Awww. It's sad that SATC is over :(

~* IN HONOR OF SATC*~

I have just finished Season 6 of Sex and the City. After eating breakfast at almost 11am today, I proceeded to watching the last 10 episodes of Season 6. I watched 10 freaking episodes the entire day and now I have a bit of a migraine goin' on. Arghhh. Oh but it was sooo worth it. I luuuv Sex and the City! I cried, I laughed, I gushed... Such a darn good series! I have always thought of myself as a cross between Charlotte and Miranda. Like Charlotte, I'm a sucker for love and mush... an idealist sometimes. Like Miranda, I tend to be bitchy about love (if only for defense mechanism) and in such dark days, I tend to be cynical and be a bit of a pessimist. So anyway, I took this test I stumbled upon while surfing for SATC stuff:

You scored 60% Charlotte

A romantic at heart, you chose the answers that demure Charlotte may have chosen. Strongly influenced by the intuitive, profound and sometimes naïve Water Signs -- Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces -- you're like a mother, a mystery and a poet all in one. Though on the surface you may seem innocent and all about seeking the good in people, beneath the surface, you hide secret yearnings for intimacy, for attachment and ideal love. You're seeking a knight in shining armor, a soul mate, someone who will complete you and tether you to the earth when you get carried away with your fantasies. You're super-sensitive, soaking up the moods of others; you emote freely, crying at commercials and sappy movies. You also provide a shoulder to cry on and open arms for hugs. Be careful that you're not so wide-eyed and trusting that you get taken in by some cunning wolf in sheep's clothing.

You scored 20% Carrie

Your answers peg you as a Carrie-type, much influenced by the Air Sign qualities associated with Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. Like confident Carrie, a sex columnist, you're curious and perceptive, always seeking answers and never satisfied with the superficial. An Air Sign influence can lead to indecision and an avoidance of tough issues, like with Carrie and her on-again, off-again attachment to Mr. Big. Forward-thinking, incredibly intelligent and witty, you just exude quirky charm. You'd be utterly bored by someone who's just a pretty face or hot body -- though you don't mind looking and flirting! You're more turned on by an equally smart and funny mate, someone who challenges your mind and makes you laugh. You love to talk, so you need a good listener who's open to playful and eccentric ideas about love and lovemaking.

You scored 10% Samantha

You identify with Samantha's bold and liberated Fire Sign qualities, characteristics associated with the Signs of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. You're strong, audacious and larger than life -- and you take what you want! Sometimes you can even be thoughtless and selfish, as you get so caught up in craving immediate gratification and excitement that you overlook someone's feelings. Your personal style likely reflects your desires: sleek, low-cut, revealing just a bit more than might be considered acceptable. Watch that you're not coming on too strong, though. You could scare potential suitors off with all your drama. If you seek so much attention, the more basic qualities of the Fire Signs could be burned right out of the picture. Show less skin or cleavage and more of your creativity, your vibrant leadership skills and courageous generosity!

You scored 10% Miranda

You chose many of the same answers that Earth Sign-like Miranda, the cynical but pragmatic lawyer, might have chosen. Just like Miranda's had a tough time deciding whether to give in to the affections of Steve the Bartender, you don't give your heart up to just anyone. Miranda shies away from a relationship with Steve because he's 'just' a bartender, not something more conventionally ambitious or stable. Those with powerful Earth Sign qualities -- characteristics associated with Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn -- are cautious in love and seek stability and status over nearly anything else. Earth Signs provide a steady, realistic attitude and they can bring order out of chaos. A little-known Earth Sign fact: Incredibly sensual, you seethe beneath that smart, expensive business suit of yours, yearning for intimacy but hesitant to give up your material needs, your career ambitions or your responsibilities for a passionate moment that might not turn out the way you'd hope.

~* ACKKK...TING *~

Ackkk. It IS very hard to act nonchalant about it. Oh but then I am an unwilling expert (or so I think) on unrequited admiration.

Since the moment I spotted you
walking round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies... and it's alright
Bouncing 'round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied (turns out)
everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

When's this fever gonna break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
And it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

And slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
Right about the same time you walk by
And I say 'Oh here we go again'Oohh..

~ Why Don't You And I, Santana feat. Alex Band Of The Calling

As in "Shiyeeeet. Holy cow. HERE WE GO AGAIN!" *arghhh* every. friggin'. time. ;P

Our little secret just might be the kind of thing that you can't hide
It's growing like a tangled vine & rising like a river in the tide
And everybody knew when you walked into the room
I was just a fool for you, nothing I could do
Everybody sees you taking control of me
Well I'm not begging for release
I'm just begging darling please, please

Act Naturally
Don't let our troubles show
Don't let anybody know
Till we get it figured out
Don't give them anything that they could doubt

Our little problem doesn't seem to be about to go away
As far as I can tell it's gonna keep on showing more with every day
And everybody look, yeah, that was all it took
I can't help believing they can read me like a book
So hide your feelings tight till we figure how to make it right
I don't know what I should but I
Would do it if I could

Act Naturally
Just be you beautiful
Just be you casual
I'll be me before the fall
You be you before this all came down

~ Act Naturally, Semisonic

Hayyy. It shouldn't have come out like that. Suddenly, the whole freakin' world knows. Ackkkk. I was actually doing fine in my own little corner, side-glancin' and quietly pining. Ackkk talaga. *arghhhh* This is getting to be so hard. I hate it, I hate it! :(

Like, as if "Wow. Gee. This makes me feel a whole lot better. Thank you for messing with me." *smell the burning sarcasm*

So help me dear God. Oops, I did it again. I have thrown myself into a rut. It's not fun anymore. It's not funny ha. Grr. Sadness.

~* NOW PLAYING: Sweetest Goodbye by Maroon5 *~

Yeah. I changed my background music again. This is sooo my fave song nowadays...

Where you are seems to be as far as an eternity
Outstretched arms, open hearts,
If it never ends, then when do we start?

I'll never leave you behind,
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you come back,
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?

Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I'll never leave you behind,
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever ever ever did receive

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel.. feel.. feel.. feel

~* BEING SEEN ON TV *~

Ackkk. I thought no one I knew saw me on TV last Monday (the Manila Film Fest's delayed telecast at RPN 9). Apparently, Sybs saw me. Haha! We were seated on row 5 and the camera man onstage who was stationed on the presenters' podium plus the camera on the crane were near us. I knew we were focused for a sec when Mayor Atienza was doing his opening speech. Haha, Rico didn't like it! He and Jane who sat beside me were caught by the cam while they were looking up towards the wide screen on our right. As for me, when I feel the cam on me, I consciously avoid looking at the monitor/screen. So here... I thought of some "don'ts" in connection with such "chance" TV appearances:

1. Thou shall not look directly onto the camera... Pretend to be oblivious of it. (Unless you want to look super-conscious and uneasy about it.)

2. Thou shall have to look attentive of what's happening onstage. (i.e. Thou shall not be caught yawning, slouching, texting or chatting with your seatmate... It's your unguaranteed split-second of non-existent fame and you don't want to be seen by half of the Philippine population looking very stupid.)

3. Thou shall not look at the widescreen monitor (unless you wanna be seen with your eyes rolled all the way up. Very unflattering, I tell you. Oh, and when you ARE actually caught looking up on the screen, DO NOT search for the cam that is pointed at you. You will just make things go from bad to worse. Ackk.)

4. Thou shall know which is thy best angle. (You have 1:100 chance to be seen on national television. Now go face the camera on your best angle and make yer momma proud of those darn cheekbones! Teehee.)

5. Thou shall text your doting mom and dad to watch out for that split-second exposure of yours while the camera was panning amongst the sea of audience. (This works to your advantage when it's on delayed telecast. You'll have ample time to text the whole baranggay. Haha!) *Okay, I just texted my mom, hehe, not really the entire contact list on my phone book!*

Hermmm. I remember last year's Ad Congress Araw Awards which was on delayed telecast at ANC (?). We were seated at the *super* front, as in right smack at the cameras and we kept being caught on-cam as in always "extra" coz right behind us was David Guerrero's BBDO-Guerrero posse who kept reaping awards in almost all categories. Syempre, since they start focusing on the winner from the time they stand up from their seats until they go up and down the stage, the cameras kept panning on us. Ackkk. It was like "Ops, ops, ops, walang tulugan!" ... 'Can't be caught dead doing unglamorous stuff! Funny how ALL our moms (mine, Jane's, Vic's and Bianx's) texted us just to excitedly say that they saw their beloved daughter on TV. Aww, our loving mommies! :)

There. Haha, as if my split-second exposure really matters to anyone! :P