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Sunday, July 04, 2004


This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her when she smiles

How many days in the year
She woke up with hope, but she only found tears...

This is the story of a girl
Who's pretty face she hid from the world
And while she looked so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her.

~ Absolutely, Nine Days

After watching SATC and seeing all that happy ending for Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda , I can't help but be depressed. See, when I watch my fave stuff, I tend to relate myself to the story and the characters. So there I was relating to Big & Carrie, Miranda & Steve, Charlotte & Harry, Samantha & Smith. *sigh* Don't we all wish that we'd get our well-deserved happy ending?

Plus, it seems everybody's got the blues. Plus, there's Abbie talking about her "one true love". Plus, it's the rainy season. The rain inspires reminiscing, contemplation and tears. If you're melodramatic like me, you would know exactly what I mean. Plus, I am twenty freakin' six and I still don't have a boyfriend... I still don't have The One. Such sucky, shitty, pathetic existence. Gaaah.

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone when you get home?

~ Sweetest Goodbye, Maroon5

Jack Berger. He and Carrie broke up and then one day he comes back knocking at her door with flowers in hand. If I remember right, he says "I love you" to her as he stood there by her door. The next morning, Carrie wakes up without him on her bed. She sees a Post-It which read something like: "I'm sorry. Don't hate me. Goodbye." Holy crap of craps, I cried so hard during that scene as Carrie swipes the vase with those freakin' flowers (carnations?). I remebered my own version of Jack Berger. Ackkk. The so-called hero. Arghhh.

Being a sucker for dramatic shit, on the night of Sept. 11, 2003, I tore all our pictures when we were together. The pictures from the reunion, the morning after at McDo, the Starbucks Petron pictures, the pictures from Friday's Alabang during my birthday celebration and Mitzi's despedida. Those were from digital cam shots so I am not entirely worried about putting 'em back to pieces. Nevertheless, I achieved the desired effect: indulging in the drama of the reality of him abandoning me, leaving me, suddenly disappearing without a decent goodbye and never ever telling me his reasons. I took pictures of the torn prints before I threw it on the garbage. Heck, I even tore that X-men card thing that we got when we watched the movie at ATC.

I knew it'd be like this someday
Turns out someday's not so far away
And now I'm falling down
I know you'd catch me but you're not around

So when I'm all unraveled at the end of my rope
Would you burn it on the side?
And it won't be easy but I'll do my best
When it's time to say goodbye

All good things will end
Leaving me with only memories
You seem to good to be true, but then
I could have sworn that it was meant to be

~ Unraveled, Rockwell Ryan

Ahhh. Those were the days. I was freakin' deliriously happy that I sooo thought he was The One. And I felt soooo at ease with him that I didn't feel the pressure to be always pretty in front of him. And then there's this ache. Ache in my heart. I felt that when he texted me all those sweet things... when he called back after a few seconds just to tell me he forgot to say that he missed me. It was with him that I learned how "missing someone it was killing you" felt.

I feel that familiar ache once in a while when I remember him. I felt it when I texted him while I was in Bellevue with friends. His "Why are you saying this only now" reply. Sh*t of sh*ts. "We" felt soooo right, looked sooo good together, seemed sooo meant to be. But kaput. All gone. Him and his intimidated ass. I cannot blame him though for re-examining himself and dealing with his personal issues first and deciding to spare me the further agony before we actually became a couple and before we could have the potential problem of him being insecure about himself and intimidated by me and him feeling that he is incapable of making me happy. Gaah. Psycho-analyzing him is a career in itself.

But why does he text stupid forwarded messages sometimes? Is it for the same reason that I once rummaged for stupid forwarded texts to send him (and even asked Abbie to send me harmless stupid ones coz I ran out of 'em)?

Aidan. He loved Carrie too much but Carrie was just so scared of fully committing to him. She evaded his starry-eyed marriage proposal by the fountain the second time around. He sees in her eyes that she will never ever be ready to marry him. She broke his heart once again. And so he bid her goodbye. Gaaah. I sooo liked the Aidan-Carrie thing. But Aidan loved Carrie more than Carrie loved him. Carrie loved Aidan but she also loved Big. Arghh. Aidan was always forgiving her when she hurt him. But ultimately, Aidan just gives up on her, on "them". 'Cried buckets of tears on that episode.

Somebody asked me how I felt about T2. I told that person that I loved him but I just could not see myself marrying him. I love him as a person, as a friend. I have nothing bad to say against him. He was good to me and I could clearly see that he loved me more than I loved him.

He was my first love. I had a crush on him since we were in grade 4. When we were about to graduate from high school, he gave me this letter. It was a confession: that he had loved me since we were in grade 6. But he thought I didn't like him coz I was always sungit to him. Gaah. I do that to my crushes. I pretend that I don't care about them. I don't smile at them. I don't chat them up. (And that's what I'm doing to my current O of A. Ha!:p)

Our relationship is such a sick cycle. After we broke up, he'd come back to me but I was not into him. And then I'd miss him and come back to him but then he'd not be into me at that time. Back and forth. Coming back and leaving. We are still doing that til now. We could never ever find ourselves both in love with each other at the same time. Twisted, isn't it?

But I find it eerie how he pops back into my life at the oddest points: when I had totally given up on my ideal one (ITY from college), when shit happened with his other friend and I, when I was trying to get over the so-called hero, and now, when I'm currently crushing on this guy. Twisted. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he is the one that was meant for me by God. Otherwise, why would he keep popping up like that? Is God giving me my nth chance for real love? Am I ignoring it when it's right under my nose?

What if we were wrong about each other?
What if you were really made for me?
What if we were supposed to be together?
Would that not mean anything?
What if that was supposed to be my house that you go home to every day?
How can you be sure that things are better?
If you can't be sure your heart is still here with me
Still wanting me

~ What If, Babyface

Petrovsky the Russian asked Carrie "Why? Has no one ever read you a poem?" And Carrie says that no one ever did. Then I remembered that lyrics of that song about me that he wrote. He wrote it on one of those love letters of his. Man, that was what I loved back then. He wrote me letters. I still have them tucked in my old diary along with those little notes with his tiny handwriting that he used to pass to me back in 4th year high school.

But why did my heart not do double flip-flops when we went to Festival Mall to window-shop for his new watch and even when we held hands during the Lord's Prayer when we heard mass at that church near ATC? I went with him that day because I wanted to give it a shot. But he did not make my heart ache like the so-called hero did. I tried Lord. I did try.

There was once this "Top Ten Reasons Why You Won't Get Back With Your Ex" in Chico & Delamar's morning show... I found the answer I've been looking for in one of the entries they read: "Because I don't want to hurt the one who loves me more." There. Crystal clear. I have hurt him so bad (though I did not ever mean to do it) he's probably scarred for life. The last thing I want is to hurt a good person like him. He deserves to be happy.

He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else...

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want...

(I) Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.

~ She Will Be Loved, Maroon 5

There. That's probably his song for me.

And you know what I think the so-called hero would have been thinking when he decided to walk out of my life?

I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to
Let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

... Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn.

And I wish he is still singing it now:

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know it was through

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same...
... It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my boo...

~ Burn, Usher


All my pride is all I have
You'll be needin' me, but too bad
the path you chose to run along
Here with me you had a home.

~ All I Have, J Lo/LL Cool J


The current O of A is turning out to be another ITY. Mr. Nice Guy and nothing more than that. And we all know how I cried about the college guy and how loooong before I ever got over my stupid feelings for him. Ahh, ITY the ever-nice gentleman, the benchmark of my ideal man. And so far I have only seen ITY in my current O of A. The Unattainable One. It's still purely infatuation at this point. Sometimes I think don't even want to get to know him better because I know that'll be just digging my own grave. Let him be a stranger, an illusion, an unstained persona of someone who could have been wonderful to have.

Darn it, I am geographically undesirable. That does not even help my bruised low self-esteem and shattered self-confidence. What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever find a man whom I'd love and who'd love me back? Am I ugly? Is it because my boobs aren't big? Is it coz I'm not the sexy vavavoom type? Am I boring? Uninteresting? Plain Jane? Am I destined to be alone forever? Why not tell me now, God, so I can save up and be a filthy rich single gal who travels all over the world (I sooo want to see Europe)? Will I ever find The One? Why not tell me now so I won't have to hold on to dear hope and whisper prayers everytime I am starting to fall for a guy?

Why is it easy for some people and not for me? Why do they find it just like that, like it just falls on their laps and I don't?

It just breaks my heart sometimes when I see a couple holding hands. I am not even envious about the kissing. It's all about having that hand to hold for the rest of your life... waking up and the first thing you see is him... being comforted by him after you had such a really bad day at work and then he suddenly, magically makes things better just by being there for you at the end of the day.

Okay. You are probably gagging over all this romantic mushy bullsh*t of a saga that I just wrote. So I am gonna stop.


Why can't we all get our much-deserved happy ending?

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it, yeah

The world seems bigger than both of us
Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry.

~ I Think God Can Explain, Splender


Anonymous said...

wala lang.....hello to all////