~* BURNING STREETS OF LOVE AND HATE *~

I don't like the fact that a certain person so affects me in a negative way such that he brings out the biatch in me. I hate being consumed with anger this way. Sooo not good for my karma & aura. I don't want to be a bad person. But I am only a biatch with heartless players. I am actually non-confrontational. Hence, I fight with the words I write. I just tend to lash out and vent in writing but never face to face. I will probably just end up crying with anger if I attempt a confrontation.

What infuriates me is that on the verge of over-analyzing it, I realize that his ultimate reason for giving me that new year apology was just to save his own ass and buy himself out of the guilt. Like a ticket to instant peace of mind. That's not really being sorry. That's just being selfish.

I cannot help but compare. Somebody else has inflicted the same amount of pain on me but I truly forgave that person because I felt that he was really really sorry with all his heart. He was aware that he had seriously done me wrong and was very haunted with the thought that he has broken my heart. There was at least some sympathy sent my way. And I felt his sincere effort to compensate for the mistake he has done. I felt that he respected my feelings. He has apologized probably ten times without me even asking for it. Even two years after, upon greeting me during my birthday, he was still saying sorry that it made my heart bleed and cry. Come to think of it, it made me weep whenever he asked for my forgiveness. But with this other one, when I was contemplating on giving my forgiveness, all I felt was contempt. And would you believe it, he did not even say thank you or anything, as in no nothing, after I said that he was forgiven. Wow. Gee thanks. I was disappointed with that non-reaction but I haven't said anything about it until now.

What enrages me is that he acts as if nothing happened. Like a totally shameless jerk. Like it's just one big entertaining game to him. As if he just did me this huge favor -- with him having already said sorry that one time. And he rubs it on my face this time, like wow, I should be grateful that he said sorry to me. Argghh. Unbelievable! It's so exasperating, I swear.

What upsets me is the fact that he has no freaking idea of the magnitude of the profound hurt, pain and heartbreak he has caused me. He doesn't know how he royally messed me up emotionally. He is utterly self-absorbed. Insensitive. Just because I didn't lash out any violent reaction directly at him, just because I didn't slap him, just because I did not bother him with midnight calls doesn't mean that I never cried. Hello, I am not made of stone. I am human. What kind of person does not have a full understanding of the fragility of the human heart? It's just so unbelievable that some people can just go on with their lives trampling over other people's hearts. How careless.

I may seem (operative word "seem") to be unaffected and nonchalant about it for the past 22 months but I am just trying to be brave. I have nothing else to cling to but my biatchiness. I have to be strong. I have to pretend that I have maximum tolerance of pain. I am letting myself be consumed with rage like this coz I would rather be angry than hurting. I am so tired of being emotionally abused. I am so tired of people letting me down. I am so tired of making these big leaps of faith that just end up as big disappointments. I am so tired of crying.

Say it ain't so

Your drug is a heartbreaker

Say it ain't so

My love is a lifetaker

~ Weezer