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Tuesday, March 09, 2004


Gaaaah. I just luuurrrrve that 6CycleMind song. I rarely like Tagalog songs but this one just rocks my boat. Maybe it's coz I can relate to the song's sad lyrics... (Abbie, this is my Maco song! Argggggghhhh!!! %@#$!) I bought Permission to Shine solely because the poignant acoustic version of Biglaan is there.

Nandito, naka-ukit pa rin sa puso ko
Nang sabihin mong 'wag na lang
Nandito, nakatatak pa rin sa isip ko
Kung paano mo tinalikuran ang lahat

Kay bilis
Ba't umalis

Nabigla nang
'Di ko man lamang nalaman na mawawala
Nabigla nang
'Di mo man lamang naisip na idahan-dahan
'Di ako sanay sa biglaan
Unti-unti na lang sanang nawala

Hindi ba natin kayang magkunwari
At sabihing sige na lang
Hindi ba natin kayang dayain
Ang mga yakap sa tuwing lumalamig

'Di ako sanay sa biglaan
Unti-unti na lang sanang nawala

'Di ko man lamang nalaman na mawawala
Nabigla nang
'Di mo man lamang naisip na idahan-dahan

~ Biglaan, 6CycleMind

Gaaaah. It's such a killer song. Bullseye. *ouch*

The mood has become increasingly depressing and I'm beginning to be overly-contemplative about my future. What with Aga & Jovan's upcoming wedding, Vic's break-up, her rants about relationships, finding THE One and marriage. I can't help but think about, hrmmff, these kind of things.

I wonder if I have (already) stupidly let THE One get away. Gaaah. It would be such a sad thought to be wistfully thinking of "the one that got away". What if God had already given/is giving me my second (and third... and fourth...) chance and it is actually staring at me right on my face and then I am actually shoving it away? Wouldn't that be tragic?

What does it mean when someone keeps coming back into your life (sometimes at such an opportune time you swear you think he must be heaven-sent but then again not). What if it is actually God's hand who is bringing him back to me? But the thing is, I am not completely sold to the idea and at the back of my mind I keep thinking, "What if I wait up some more? What if this one is not THE One and THE One is actually just a few days sleep and a coupla breaths away?" Freakin' complicated. Fudge, fudge, fudge.

Now why is it that T2 keeps coming back? Why, why, why???? And why is it that the one whom I actually want to come back doesn't? I am stupidly, naively waiting but I don't think he'll ever be back. I just hope that one day, when he turns around and looks for me, I am already happy with someone else. I want him to feel the consuming, exhausting, spirit-draining pain and heartache that I have been feeling since the day he went away. I may have some episodes of euphoric happiness because of them but then again it's still sporadic compared to the drama queen life that I am quietly living inside my mind.

When you're around someone <5 times a week, 8 hours a day> who is ranting about disappointing relationship(s), the one that got away, shattered dreams of getting married, fear of not EVER finding THE One (or if ever, finding THE One but at such a late, hopeless age) I'm sure you'd tend to think in the same wavelength as I am now. I'm turning 26 this year. She' just turned 30. She says I'm still young and I need not worry. But hey, she gave me a good scare! Gaaaah.

At this point, I am sick and tired of subscribing to the theory of true, endless love. It's sheer bullcrap for me now. But I am hoping that one day soon I will swallow what I've just said now coz by then, I will be (almost) insanely happy and in absolute pure bliss holding hands with the one I waited for all my life -- the one who will make all this sh*t I'm going through well worth it... and in that moment, all these words that I write will finally make perfect sense.


Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain.

~ Rainbow, South Border