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Saturday, June 05, 2004


And I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. ~ Under the Bridge, Red Hot Chili Peppers

He sooo reminds me of ITY. Which is why I fear this.

We (ITY & I) had our cozy moments but until the end, he was still just Mr. Nice Guy and we were still just friends.

After I watched a DVD this morning, I went up to my room. And then I started to cry. This painful, spontaneous weeping. I think I wanted to do this last night when I got home but I think I was too tipsy/sleepy to think about crying and to actually figure out what's bothering me.

I hate this. I fear this. Coz he is Mr. Nice Guy. And life has taught me that Mr. Nice Guys are exactly that. Nice to you. Do not ever carry that illusion that he has feelings for you. HE IS JUST BEING NICE. F@#% that, right? That's how cruel this world is. Slap me with another one of 'em nice guys who will just break my heart without them actually knowing that they did.

I hate this.

Why is there so much freakin' drama going on with my life?!

It sooo sucks. It sooo f@#%ing sucks.


There are loves lost, there are loves gained
every minute, every heartbeat
Hearts bleed, lips lock

I shall never know the answer
that everyone seeks to find
Like everyone else who died without knowing
I shall carry on but forever wonder
why some loves work and some loves don't.


The blistered heart festers in the darkness of being alone
It bleeds tears of broken dreams
Lovingly seduced and pitifully forgotten
The carcass of Cupid lies unwanted
In the morning, when the golden rays bathe the souls
this heart will no longer lie where it once were
It shall lie tormented among the ruins
Surrendering to the cruel battle of loving you for nothing.


Gaah. The incessant rain is not doing my mood any good.


I was just reminded of Pablo Neruda's poems last night. Here are some excerpts of my fave works of Neruda:

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you, little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me,
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.


I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


I like for you to be still:
it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away
and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.


If you want to read more Neruda, my fave ones are here.

Rain, rain go away please.