~* I TRY * ~

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop

So I'm back to square one then. This is precisely the reason why I blog. I need to vent it all out. Good, bad. Sad, mad.

I am missing him again. Gaah. I think it's coz the memory of those Saturday night movies last year crept back when I was out late again on a Saturday night yesterday. And it didn't help that we (Forces gals) were at the Town Center where we (him and me and Jako/Abbie/Charo) used hang out in for last full shows. It didn't help that we were at Starbucks Petron where we used to have 2AM coffee talks or alternatively, french fries galore at McDo Petron... sharing those goddamn tomato ketchups.

I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we're not

It's almost been a year and I still can't understand why what happened HAD TO happen to me, to us. I almost thought that... Oh Well. 'Turns out we're NOT. Up to now, I still think it was such a shame, such a waste that we never worked out.

I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Grrr. I really tried but it turns out I have not let go of him completely. I don't wanna give myself bullcrap. I am honest enough to say that yes, I am not yet over the whole too-good-to-be-true love affair gone sour. I have tried so many forms of diversions (Abbie-dear I know you can count 'em all!;) ). I have led myself to believe that one is better than the other. But then I realized it was not. I tried to just be a plain beeeotch against the seemingly mythical promise of finding THE ONE. I tried to be void of emotions. I tried to re-focus my energies to other objects of affections. Oh but dammit, I keep finding myself still loving him. Gaah. I'm a stupid masochist of love. I love inspite of and despite of. Stupid, stupid, stupid. @#%*!!!

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front

~ I Try, Macy Gray


I couldn't resist the need to communicate to him so with the lousy excuse of greeting his mom a happy mother's day, I texted him. Shetters diba. I shouldn't have done that. Baaaad for me.

A: happy mother's day to your mom!*smiley*
M: Thanks. Who's this?

***WTF?!? Shetters. Triple sh*t. Fudge. Sooooo I am not on his freakin' phone book anymore? He deleted me?!? Major f*ck.***

I contemplated whether to ignore his message and cry myself to sleep (well, NOT really. 'Just for dramatic effect...) or to reply to him. I opted to reply.

A: Uhh, nevermind.

*** Silence. After about a minute my fone rings. It's him calling me. To the tune of Wish You Were Here. Shetters, why did I even set his ring tone to that song... it makes me even sadder! Hmp, hmp. I did not answer my fone. And so then he texts...***

M: Aileen, sorry. Kumusta na? I'm using kasi the fone ng office kya wala yung contacts ko na naka-save.

***Bwiseeeet. He and his gazillion celfones! Kasi naman, kasi naman! Tsk, tsk.***

A: Oh ok. Well anyway, happy mother's day to your mom...
M: Same here po. So 'musta na? How's work?
A: Uhh, k naman. Still with kodak *smiley* You, how are you na?
M: Eto smart pa din. You guys go out pa with Jako?
A: Was supposed to last week but last minute na-cancel coz dumating tita nya ata.
M: Ah ok. Welcome pa ba ko if I join you guys sometime?
A: Yeah sure why not

*** I did not know whether to put a smiley or a period or an exclamation point or a question mark. Hence, the emotionless text.***

M: Thanks ha.
A: Welcome

*** Still emotionless... I did not know WTF I was supposed to feel then...***

M: K. Take care.
A: Thanks, you too.
M: Thanks po.

I decided to stop it there coz if I said welcome again we'd just do it all over again. Running around in circles... And I did not want the thought of me saying welcome and then it's him who stops texting. Yeah. Babaw ko noh. Hurray ang kaartehan.

So there. Sh*t. I f****ng miss him terribly. It rained this afternoon. And when it rains, I stupidly turn into a sentimental fool.

Oh well. I said I tried, but the stupid disobedient heart goes thump, thump despite the crap it's been through.

Man, I need to go to an Akafellas gig again to stop this foolish nonsense...