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Thursday, May 06, 2004


I feel depressed. Sarah McLachlan's Mirrorball CD is choking on my player. Very suicidal music huh. Not helping at all. Oooh but I just luv to torture myself and I luv listening to Sarah's angelic voice whenever I feel blue.

I am dreaming of them one by one. That's when I started being sad. On the night of the 3rd I dreamt of T2. My eyes were affixed on this hallway at home. I remember feeling sad while I stared at nothing. Something intermittently blocking and then revealing that hallway. The next thing I knew, he was standing there. I remember feeling relieved to see him there. And then suddenly we were sitting on the sofa. We were about to kiss but I remember feeling NOT happy about it. The dream stopped there.

The next night I dreamt of ITY. We like, suddenly saw each other again after a long time. We were talking to this chef in a resto. I think we were complaining (separately) about something and then we found ourselves bumping to each other there together with the chef. And then this chef dude tells us that we are so meant for each other, like we were supposed to be together and we were brought there together. Yadda, yadda, yadda. There was something about a necklace (??? ... I vaguely remember...) that I was wearing that lead him to that conclusion. I remember feeling fuzzy and giddy and warm. I can hardly remember the dream, but it was nice seeing him again. I haven't seen him since 2001. Last time we met was when he saw me crossing the street when I was about to get a snack on the building in front of my (then) office. I still remember his text to me: "I was making pipip but you didn't see me." Ever the coñotic CDO dude. Then he dropped by my office and we chatted a bit at the reception. Man, I miss that moment. 'Probably one of the giddiest moment of my life. Everybody at the office found him cute. Haha. And then that was it. The next thing I knew he was in US already. And then he came back home na daw. He's on my Friendster but we never messaged each other. I tried once... 'just greeted him merry chirstmas or sumthin'... but he never replied.

It was then that I missed The One Who Broke My Heart the Baddest. Like last week, Abbie, Charo, Jako and I were supposed to have coffee at ATC. I suddenly remembered our usual Saturday movie nights last year when we used to hang out together. We'd be out so late, catch the last full show and then have coffee at Starbucks Petron or get fries at McDo on the way home. Ahh, those were the happy days. I was genuinely happy back then coz I thought... man, I really thought... tsk, tsk.

I thought that I was gonna dream of him the 3rd night but I did not. But nevertheless, I was pretty much depressed since thoughts of him flooded back in my mind. Ang taray pa ng hirit ko kay Jako last Sat.

J: Do you want me to invite SOMEONE?
A: Whatever. I don't really care.

Eat your words, girl. Eat your words.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask him out of the blue.

Are you happy now? Do you miss me? Do you still love me? Do you love someone else now? Did you really love me? Why did you leave? What happened back then? Why did you think we will not work out? Can you just tell me why you thought we were better off as friends?

How can you say we are better off being friends when we ended up being less than friends now? How can you say it's for the best when it has hurt me so much that I have never fathomed I could feel this much hurt in my entire life?

I don't know if we will ever talk about it. All I know is that it's really damn hard to be free from this. I tried. I really tried. I am trying everyday. At times I succeed at faking happiness. At times I succeed in forgetting him for a moment. At times, I succeed in making myself believe that I have let go. At best, I get artificial bliss. A respite from the heartbreak.

And it doesn't help that I hear that blah blah is now with blah blah. And like, "What?! Wow!" Like, buti pa sila. Like, when is it my freakin' turn to be happy???

Yes, friends are there but some of you will understand that having loving friends and family is bullcrap when all you really want is that one person in the whole wide world to find you.

Blame it on Jerry Mcguire. Blame it on Sisqo. How dare you say that I am incomplete when I have not found THE ONE? It is unfortunate how things like that make things hellish for people like me. Oh well. Crap it is.

So anyway, I woke up feeling depressed today so I wore a black ensemble to work. And I wore my pointy red shoes. Yebbah. I am stylishly depressed. I am depressed but let me go through it with zsazsazsu.

I heard this new G-unit dancey r&b song so I made yaya to Abbie, Tin and Charo to go clubbin' and dancin' this Sat. since they don't wanna go to the fellas' gig. Ooh I wanna go dancing. Please! Am sad, must dance!

So anyway, 'looked for another cheer-me-upper during lunch time so I went DVD shopping in MCS. Woohoo. 'Found that damn hard-to-find El Crimen Del Padre Amaro DVD! Ahhh. Gael Garcia Bernal rocks. I am now on the hunt for "Don't Tempt Me". And then I got Season 6 of Sex and the City. Woohoo!

Well, there goes the moolah that was supposed to buy me the new Sarah McLachlan album. Oh well. Why spend for something that will make me sad? Heck, Imma gonna spend it on something happier like the DVDs I mentioned above.

Ackkk. I really gotta save now. Must get that Linkin Park gig tix. Will buy probably a week after the elections. Who knows what chaos (God forbid) may happen during the polls...

I also cheered myself up by eating lunch at KFC and getting that cute Powerpuff Girls plush toy. I do not like pesky Bubbles, I don't like tweetums Blossoms. I like tough-chick Buttercup. But drat, I like it better when she wears her toughie/grumpy facial expression. She is friggin' smiling on the free toy. Oh well.

Errmm. 'really really trying to think of happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

Haha! Me and my stupid fake grin.

Ah well, life goes on. The world does not stop for my grief.

Que sera sera.