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Friday, May 21, 2004

~*ALL MY PRIDE IS ALL I HAVE*~

It hasn't occured to me that I was bitter until a friend jokingly told me "Biether Ocampo ka pala." I was like, duh? It took awhile before I got the punchline. So this is the name for what I have been feeling lately. Bitterness. Ahh, that's shameful of me, I know. But I am only human.

I told him that it's coz he didn't know what happened last week which had greatly affected what I have been feeling lately.

I have been harboring a lot of resentment for this person I supposedly forgave already last year. I can't avoid it. I still remember him and what happened... even more than ever lately. And dammit, I still have feelings for him. **refer to the stupid thing I did in my "The Missing Silence" post**

I just realized that I will NEVER EVER get him to say to me the reason why he left. I can't friggin' shake it out of him EVER. His friend said that it might be because he was not yet ready to tell me. I think that's f****ng bullcrap. (I'm sorry I am in a sad, bitchy mood now so you'll probably read a lot of cursing here...) It's been a year now, doesn't he have the friggin' balls to say it to my face or at least in a letter or in a stupid f***ed up text message? Shetters. Why did I fall for someone who's not man enough? Crap. Okay, fine. He did not have a dad coz his parents are separated. He did not have a father-figure to look up to. I can psycho-analyze his behavior to pieces with that one fact alone. "That sez a lot.", my officemate told me when I confided in her. But I did not want to stereotype him. I wanted to believe that he was a good person who is really trying as best as he could. I have put my faith in his goodness but judging from what's happened this week, I am probably wrong to believe that he will pull himself out of this mess like a real man. He has let me down and I am starting to lose faith in him. That's why I write like this now.

I thought I was gonna yank out the truth from him with my dramatic texts. But no. Deadma to death talaga siya. Like it never happened. All he said was that he fell asleep already that's why he didn't reply. I even feigned an apology saying that I was sorry if I said anything that offended him and that I should have just shut up. I was hoping that he was gonna finally explain himself. But no. For the life of me, I could not get him to say his reasons.

We have been exchanging stupid forwarded texts since Mother's Day. But hell, I cannot live like this forever. It's such a facade. I have tried to finally be honest about what I actually felt last Saturday... but on his end--NOTHING. Yes, he said that he missed me too but that was it. No dramatic declaration of feelings. No I-miss-u-and-I-want-you-back-coz-I-realized-I-still-love-you crap.

"He's just not that into you", I hear Jack Berger's voice echoing in my head.

Eventhough it is virtually moot for him to tell his reasons for leaving after a year has passed, I would still want to hear it straight from him. Even for f****ng closure's sake. It's not even about getting back together with him anymore. Yes, I am hoping, but I am not asking for it. If for anything, it's for my peace of mind. It has been so so so damn hard for me to let go and move on. It has been an on-and-off emotional torture for me. *nowadays, it's obviously f****ng "on"*. And I am tired, God. So tired. I just want to get on with my life again.

I read from somewhere: "Light up your own life. Take care of yourself. Hold your happiness in your own hands." This inspires me to get out of this sh*thole I'm in.

And so, what beats the blues? I am trying real hard to put my chin up for this crap. My stiff upper lip is quivering but I am really trying hard.

Haha. Look at my WinAmp playlist right now:

:: BURN by Usher ::

"Tell me why I should stay in this relationship when I'm hurtin' baby. I ain't happy baby... Deep down you know it's best for you... But you know that it's over, you know that it's through... I'm twisted coz one side of me is tellin me that I need to move on. On the other side I wanna break down and cry."

:: ALL I HAVE by J Lo ::

"It's such a shame, but I'm leavin'. Can't take the way you mistreated me. And it's crazy, but oh, baby, It don't matter, whatever, don't phase me... All my pride is all I have. You'll be needin' me but too bad. The path you chose to run alone. Here with me you had a home... 'Cause I'm good holdin' my spot. And I'm good reppin' the girls on the block. And I'm good, I got this thing on lock. So without me you'll be fine, right... Ain't nothin' you can say to me that can change my mind. I gotta let you go now. And nothin' will ever be the same, so just be on your way, go 'head and do your thing now. And there's no more to explain to me, you know. I know your game and I'm feelin' what you do. So I'm bouncin' and I'm out, son. I gotta leave you alone."

:: UNFOOLISH by Ashanti ::

"I think I found my strength to finally get up and leave. No more broken hearts for me. No more tellin' your lies to me. I'm lookin' like I got my head on right so now I see. No more givin' you everythin'. There's no more takin' my love from me. See my days are cold without you. Though I'm hurtin while I'm with you. And though my heart can't take no more, I can't keep keep runnin back to you... I'm proud to say that I will never make the same mistake. No more thinkin' 'bout what you do. There's no more me runnin' back to you... You must be use to me cryin', cryin' while you're out bumpin' and grindin'.But I'm leavin' you tonight."

:: OVER by Ashanti ::

"Can't believe that it's over, baby. For every bruise on my heart, you gave me. See we tried, but we'd fight then we cried so it's over, babe, it's over babe... When I met you I knew you would be the one for me. 'Coz looking at you had me feelin' kinda crazy. And what you asked, I almost did it automatically. But it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me. Although I know that what we had it wasn't perfect, babe... I thought by stayin', try to change you would be worth it, babe. But now I see that tryin' to change you only changed me. All these tears, and all of your lies. All these years, and now we're sayin' "goodbye". It's over babe. Now I'm thinkin' that I never should have dealt with you... See ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this sh*t from you. I'll never play another day of being your fool. I wasted all my time on somethin' that just wasn't true. I should have known that I could never ever change you... I'll never forget what you did to me. So I'm gone, I'm leavin', leavin', baby. Whenever you see me, don't even speak. I'll never forget what you did to me."

:: I WON'T CRY by Profyle ::

" I know I can't keep lying to myself. I said to be content with someone else. I know I never had to face the pain... I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears. I wont die no more, I got over my fears. And I'm moving on, I know what to do. Coz I'm better off without you and we both know that it's true... It's gonna take a little time, to stick in my mind the fact you're gone for good. Coz when you said you're leavin' me, I heard it before, I never really thought you would. Baby I should be glad that you're gone away. I know the pain would not be here to stay. If I could only fool myself, maybe baby... That I won't cry, I'm movin' on. I know it's hard enough to fall in and out of love but when something is gone, keep holding on will only break you're heart. So I won't play the fool by begging you to stay. I wanna keep it inside, til you're out of sight maybe that way I won't cry no more..."

:: EX-FACTOR by Lauryn Hill ::

"Loving you is like a battle and we both end up in scars."

:: LOSING GRIP by Avril Lavigne ::

"Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby? Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real... Why'd you turn away?... I was left to cry there, waiting outside there, burning with a lost stare. That's when I decided why should I care coz you weren't there when I was scared. I was so alone."

:: TOMORROW by Avril Lavigne ::

"And I wanna believe you When you tell me that it'll be ok. Yeah I try to believe you, but I don't. I don't know how I'll feel,tomorrow, tomorrow. I don't know what to say, tomorrow, tomorrow is a different day."

:: WHY by Avril Lavigne ::

"Why do you always do this to me? Why couldn't you just see through me? How come you act like this, like you just don't care at all?... So go and think about whatever you need to think about. Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about. And come back to me when you know just how you feel."


Other songs...

Nobody's Supposed to Be Here by Deborah Cox
I Think God Can Explain by Splender
King of Pain version by Alanis Morissette
Do You Suppose I'd Come Runnin' by John Mayer
Power of Goodbye by Madonna
Love Don't Live Here Anymore by Madonna
Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake
I Try by Macy Gray
Truthfully by Lisa Loeb
It's Harder Now That It's Over by Ryan Adams

Man, I'm such a sucker for drama!:P

~oO0Oo~


A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know, what I've done wrong
And how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I'll know never to make the same mistake again

You can tell me to my face,
Or even on the phone,
You can write it in a letter,
Either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions, I have to find

My head's spinnin'
Boy I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate...
...Find peace of mind, the happy mind
I once owned.

... Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I aint done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
Cos' I heard that this feelin wont last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feelin yeah, you got me feelin really bad
Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feelin' yeah, it just dont feel right

I'll keep searchin' deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, gotta feel at ease
Need to be
Free from pain, going insane
My heart aches.

~ Never Ever, All Saints


~oO0Oo~


I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. ~ Under the Bridge, All Saints/Red Hot Chili Peppers

2 comments:

Abbie eXcites said...

Bitter? NAH! I think you are just confused! That comment is so Jako! He can't tell the reason/s because he doesn't have any. I think he can't say it because he totally doesn't want to mess up with you. :)

~*lilacstardust*~ said...

he HAS messed me up already. enuf said ;) p.s. jako told me the reason last year pa... diba kaw ung kasama namin? sa starbucks petron ata yun. remember? anyway, i just want to hear it straight from him. hay. wala na tayong magagawa if he doesn't wanna talk. grrr.