:::.. ~* lilacstardust *~ ..:::

~*AND THE SAD PART IS...*~

And in this moment I am happy, happy.
I wish you were here.

~ Wish You Were Here, Incubus


April 19th, approaching midnight.We were SMS'ing forever. He was saying these sweet things. I was thinking, wow, thanks God, thanks for your wonderful birthday gift. In my handwritten journal it reads:


So is it true when they say that soul mates go through their own lives, living in preparation for their meeting? I think I believe that. As we live our lives, in God's weird way, we are preparing ourselves for the culmination-- FINALLY BEING RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.

All the problems that we encounter, all the people that we meet, all the happiness and sorrow we experience, all our relationships, in one way or another, mold us into the best person we can ever be for our soulmate.

****

Well my heart still aches, but in a good way, so I'm okay :)

Yeah, I'm missing you too. I wish you were here...

Talaga. Alam mo you're so bait that's why na nagtataka ako kung bakit di ka pa nagkaka-bf.

Naiiyak naman ako sayo.... I just thought that God would give the person to me in His own time.

Sorry if I said that. Pero siguro God already gave you one, and He also gave me you.

Don't be sorry, I'm crying in a good way.

Talaga. Hope that you'll think different sa akin, compared sa mga barkada ko. Coz iba talaga ako sa kanila.

*At around 1:45 am, he realizes it's my b-day and greeted me with matching mwah mwah mmmmmwah!

I'm very much comfortable with you. Sana you too. Hope you're here with me right now so I can hug and kiss you. Ok lang ba? Wag ka magalit ha. Bday mo naman eh;)

Ya, what's different nga with you is that I feel very comfortable around you. Like, I just have to be myself when I'm around you. Cge na nga, k na b-day hug/kiss... pero dahil b-day ko lang ha :P

Sana I can come and see you tonight. Para kiss and hug kita coz it's your b-day. Enjoy ha. Mwah.

****


And the sad part is, that was a year ago.

He didn't greet me yesterday. I dunno if he deliberately did not greet me or if he forgot. Last Oct. 2 '03, when it was his birthday, I waited until the evening before I texted him an emotionless 'Happy b-day'. No period, no exclamation point, no smiley.

This morning, he texted me a similarly emotionless greeting: 'Happy b-day to you.' I just said 'Tnx!'. I typed in a smiley but I erased it. It hurts to erase it but I still did. I did not want to feel ANYTHING at all. If I had to be devoid of feelings, so be it. A smile can thaw a frown but a frown can freeze a smile. It would just hurt again if we went beyond being civil to each other. We are not even friends anymore like before -- pre-MUwhatchamacallit time. We ended up being less than friends. Tiptoeing around each other's feelings. Eternally conscious of what had happened but forever cautious not to ever go into that road again. The ending was that I forgave him after somewhat understanding the Houdini stunt he pulled on me. But let it be known that yes, he sincerely said sorry a lot of times but he NEVER EVER told me directly why he left.

Ahh. Men--they screw up your life big time. They sweep you off your feet, and then they scar you for life. And then you are left alone, ever so bravely trying to be whole again... sincerely trying so hard not to bitch and be jaded about love after all the crap you've been served.

There. That's the story of the bitchy drama queen. I thank you.